Six years of a troubled mind

I say. There is a slight danger in writing down your life events as they happen to you. Apparently no amount of time and growth can truly disconnect you from the fear, shame and hopelessness you have once felt. Even when time dulls the pain, of it can still make you sick to your stomach. Or at least it can for me.

I've made it my mission to finally finish up my current journal. Due to irregular entry schedules and the size of the book, I've been writing in it for six years. With coming to an end I feel compelled to peruse some of the earlier entries. This book started in some of the darkest times of my life so far. All the evidence I'd ever need to display how truly lost I was and, to an extent, still am is there. The lowest of my lows. My terrible decisions that I wrote down as a way of relieving my mind. All of it is there.

I know that it felt right when I wrote it. I know that it isn't a over-exaggeration of my feelings. Reading it back now scares me a bit. While I didn't do any self-harm, I still wish that someone had seen this and helped. Obviously I got through and am not doing so badly anymore.

It just upsets me that I can read it back and still feel so small.

When I finish this journal I'll keep it where I can find it. I know that there is only up from where I was. If I ever need reminding I can simply ask myself if things are as bad as that journal.

For tonight.

I've decided to fill the whole in my chest with drink.

A foolish thing to say but it keeps the longing at bay. Right this moment I can't get out of the hole I've fallen into. This night does not offer any solutions to my problems. Waking up tomorrow with the fresh take on life will be the best time for me to tackle the shame, regret, disgust, fear, and sadness.

That is tomorrow. I still have to contend with tonight.

I will leave the longing in the bottom of the glass. I will send a flame through it and remind myself that I can feel something other than emptiness.

Tonight I want to be less aware.

Tonight I want to be more subdued. For one night I want to wrap myself up in something that isn't my own worry and fear. I want to forget the contemplation and manage the impossible of feeling less yet experiencing more.

I want to tell myself I am not alone and believe it with a ferocity that destroys even the beginning embers of doubt.

And tonight, even if only for tonight, I will have this. I will climb out of my hole in which I have fallen. I will fill my emptiness and I will quell the longing. I will give into silencing it for a night even if it will only come back more unassailable tomorrow.

Tonight my weakness wins.

You will find me racing to the bottom of the glass.

Acrtic Monkeys? Don't mind if I do.

Part of me wants to go through a play by play of the concert. Another part of me wants to express my new found love for yet another band. I'm sure there are a plethora of other parts of me that want to go over all the different things that occurred to be whilst I listened to the Arctic Monkeys play live last night. The part that wins is the one that just wants to throw a bunch of pictures around with little narration. Here we go.

The opening band played with enough funk and passion to make me want to look them up afterwards. Mini Mansions. Right after they turned on the sign showing their name the person I was with turned to me and asked, "who are they again?" I told them but still feel as though I should have ribbed them a bit.

The Arctic Monkeys took the stage to what I felt was quite a bit of smoke. It was later explained with a visual display. I will not question them again.

Helders made me very happy to be in attendance. Although I do wonder if he realizes that when he gears up for the next song he hits a beat that puts me in the mindset to hear the Black Keys. That, of course, is a bonus as I love the Black Keys.

We cheered so much. I think they started with Do I Wanna Know? I just can't remember. The very first song was from AM because I remember being surprised that they started out that way.

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I considered that the smoke would mean a light show like you wouldn't believe. I was right. Brainstorm had some seriously psychedelic flashing lights. That song being fast to begin with pairing it with the lights really took me to another level of being at this concert.

I appreciated the incorporation of the album cover with the initials of the band.

Since I didn't want to be one of the hundreds of people who were experiencing the show through their camera lense, I kept my camera off for a solid 80% of the show. However green lights were something I had to capture.

At this point I think I'd tuned into how much of a ham Alex Turner is when performing. He knew exactly what to say to get the squealers in the audience to lose their minds. His hip swivel that that emphasized what he was saying helped too.

Still wondering about the smoke levels.

I'll give it to them, the stage looked cool. My camera wasn't up to capturing what my eyes could see, but I loved trying all the same.

Afraid that it would translate well in pictures I took a video of the explanation of the smoke. Basically, it ended up being a light show like you wouldn't believe. So cool. The guys did that thing that bands do where they walked off stage for three minutes just to come back and play more songs. I don't understand this but I'm glad I knew they were coming back. I didn't realized until they closed the show with it that they hadn't played R U Mine?. That song live has been an object of my desire for months. They rocked it and I left in a state of euphoria.

Sitting on my chest

My stomach hurts. I keep getting pulsing pains from the base of my skull. I feel like crying which only gets stronger the longer I sit in silence. This is the time I usually think about my failed attempts at college. It's also the time where I think about the jobs that I have which only seem to fill me with anxiety. The only desire I have is to burrow deep in my covers in bed and forget it all. That, of course, is a terrible idea because it gives me the chance to keep torturing myself with these toxic thoughts of failing at life.

Why does it have to be like this? Why is it a constant cycle of being okay, of coping, of handling things and then this? This feeling as though the earth had given beneath my feet and I'm falling. I fall into this pit where I can do nothing right. Where I have done nothing right.

Even though I know it isn't true it's really hard to shake this despair. Things are okay. I'm all right. Right? God, it doesn't feel like it.

Holy smokes!

I want to shout expletives and type them in huge, bold letters to convey the amount of excitement I'm feeling at the moment. Somehow "oh boy" just isn't cutting it. I've been going on for weeks about PoPS. I've explained the reasons why I don't mind being a fan of the creator. Plus I think the story is gold and enjoy going on the journey with them as they pull it together.

They launched a campaign to fund the latest episode. The penultimate episode that is to do some serious explaining to a lot of the questions we've been asking for years. It's incredible. The campaign is crowd funded, which should have clued me in to what was to happen. In the first hours of the campaign they (I keep wanting to say we for some reason) raised about three thousand dollars. Which is incredible but only 16% of what was needed. The first few days saw a steady rate of giving and then the middle of the campaign hit. Cue this girl biting her fingernails.

Side note: I know that if the goal wasn't reached we, the fans, would still get an episode. I just want this to be as stress-free for the creators as possible. I don't want them to have to figure out a dozen or so workaround because budget is an issue from the beginning. I want them to have all that they need. I want this even when I know plenty of kick ass substitutes will happen if need be. I digress.

It's usually the case in crowd-funded projects that in the middle there is a plateau. There's a spike in giving at the beginning, a lull in the middle and sometimes a surge of last minute donations. The lull always makes me nervous. Which is good I guess, because when I get nervous I get to marketing. Whether or not it helps, I share links and repost videos to the point of annoyance to anyone who knows me and feebly hope for the best.

I did all this for PoPS. I begged, pleaded and sat around watching things inch along. I woke up this morning checking for progress. 80% with less than two days. I checked it at lunch with the same number of donations only fewer hours left. I checked it again and boom!

After the initial almost shouts for joy (I was in public), I'm back to being nervous. There's still one more day.

Forgo sleep for the love of laughter

I love to laugh and hate to get out of bed. At the moment I am simultaneously treating myself and creating problems. I can't stop watching PoPS updates because the guys is hilarious. Unfortunately that means I am breaking two of my rules. I am writing this here snippet in an attempt to reign myself in and go to bed.

However for the record, happiness is a PoPS update.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Full day at work with a extra dose of other tasks.

My fandom sucks

I find myself in danger of becoming a screaming fangirl who blindly defends the object of their obsession without reason or knowledge. It's a shameful state to be in and I should have seen this coming. There have been many a soliloquy of my happiness to follow people. While I do feel is something wrong with idolatry, I do not feel there is a problem with allowing someone to be a positive influence.


The danger comes when we forget that people are human. The screaming fangirl comes in when a pedestal is placed under someone. It's a shame.

I just want to be a fan. I quite enjoy looking up to people. I want to find others who are more talented than me and encourage them. People who help restore my faith in humanity, as it is really rather low. I enjoy the creative and/or extremely intelligent. Though I will admit to listening more to the creative ones. Rooting for someone has always been my thing. I run into problems when I forget that adults, like the people I follow, can take care of themselves.

I don't need to come to the aid of my fellow adults. For one thing, if they wanted to go after someone who's picking a fight they would. I do not need to commit on everything. I do not need to defend these people. Besides, what on earth am I going to do from behind a computer? Absolutely nothing, that's what. I have to remember my place, not only in my life but in the life of these people. In short, I don't truly have a place in their lives and if I do it certainly isn't prominent. They don't need me to go to war for them and it is childish for me to think so. They can defend themselves.

Sometimes I'm really disgusted when I recognize the amount of growing up I still need to do.

Question

Is the phrase "multiple people" redundant? If by multiple you mean more than one person than yes. People by definition is more than one person. Multiple meaning more than one. Broken down the phrase "multiple people" means more than one more than on person. In short, redundant. That answers that.

I feel it's about time I stop saying multiple people. Here is a beginning of my cutting some of the superfluity from my spoken word.

Living life is hard

My new set of rules is making it very difficult to catch up on all that I am behind on YouTube. I've been about 5 videos behind for over a week. It reminds me that I am indeed subscribed to far too many channels. It kills me to unsubscribe. Not that I haven't done so before, but it's something I do only when watching the videos feel like a chore for months. Ridiculous, I know. It's what I do all the same.

Between exercising, having a bedtime, and taking care of home life things I can't seem to find the time to sit stationary for five hours at a time. Then there's the going to be at ten thing. Let me tell you. It's making it very difficult to stay awake after ten.

#30 day to do

I've decided to participate on all of the #30daytodo. It's one of the many things that YouTubers are making up to get their followers to be less stationary. One person thought of 30 days of fitness. They got off a stint of eating terribly and felt "squishy." In response they decided they would eat healthy and exercise while inviting their followers to do the same. Then there is another person who wanted to do September Smash. Basically they wanted to limit their sugar intake and also be more active throughout September. Yet another content creator decided to make a list of things they would start doing in order to establish better habits for being an adult called #30daytodo.

Enter this girl. I already had it in my head to start being more responsible. Not only from a financial stand point but also taking better care of my body. I've unsuccessfully tried to start up these things on multiple occasions. What's better to keep me accountable than someone I don't know who won't actually be able to check up on my progress? Answer: nothing. Not entirely true but it is giving me a reason to start again. I've decided to do a mix of September Smash and #30daytodo. Why? Because it's about time I got my life in gear. Why the mixture? Because half a month is not long enough for me to effectively establish better habits that will get me to a healthier me.

Starting the 15th, here are a few rules for my life, two of which I am currently breaking.

1.  make a budget and stick to it
2.  exercise daily
3.  write daily blogs
4.  practice guitar twice a week
5.  call mother once a week
6.  brush teeth nightly
7.  only eat out once weekly
8.  call brother once a week
9.  call sister once a week
10. set a goal for savings
11. write in journal twice a week
12. be out of bed by 9 AM on days off
13. clean room weekly
14. dust every two weeks
15. vacuum room every two weeks
16. be on time
17. go to bed at 10pm
18. manage time better
19. clean dishes immediately after use
20. drink more water
21. don't snooze
22. drink less soda
23. pay off credit cards
24. finish books in a timely fashion
25. no YouTube after 9:30 PM


I may be editing this list. There are supposed to be thirty items but I could only think of 25. Things have come up that I feel should be added though I don't get to where the list is stored before it's forgotten. The list is a shameless exhibit of the terrible person I am., something that I've made a note of in the past. Now I need to get on with checking off the things on this list.

Better person? Maybe

I guess the thought never occurs to us that people treat us the way we let them treat us. I've decided to grow more of a backbone. However I know that just being confrontational isn't going to help my work life go any smoother. I've also decided to that I need to chill out and not let things bug me as much. That last bit is news to me though.

I want to follow the trend that is sweeping the content creators I'm following. I want to be a better person starting in September. Although I let the first half of the month slide a little. I started it today. I also failed today when I snoozed this morning and was late leaving for work.

I can't really elaborate on this as another rule is that I go to bed at 10pm which is fast approaching. I'm also not supposed to be off the web after 9:30pm as to give myself a chance to get to bed on time. Again I'll elaborate later. Now I must proofread and go to bed.

I'm not one of the cool kids

The last three months has brought too many situations where I'm excluded. I feel as though I am always hearing about things after the fact. I'm supposed to show up and do my part when I wasn't apart of the planning and had no say in how to best tackle the problem. In the worst possible way I feel like I'm in high school. Though it's not like my actual high school, more like the high school where Mean Girls takes place. There are the cool kids who decide what's best for the school and what my duties are. What is that about?

No one seems to understand why I am constantly frustrated. How about asking instead of telling me?

Well this is uncomfortable.

I'm getting that strange feeling that I'm biting off more than I can chew. I don't like it. I'm not sure if it's self doubt or laziness or a genuine need to self preserve. It's adding to a list of things that has me questioning something about myself. What does it mean?

Juice? No thanks.

I don't understand juicing. An entire day's portion of vegetables in one glass. A whole line of kitchen appliances to throw money at. Businesses revolving around extracting juice from veggies. Why? So you want to protein? Antioxidants? Maybe you want the vitamins. These are good things to have. Those being in your diet does make for a better you. If it's done in moderation and with exercise. There has to be a better way to get these things. A more natural way.

Oh that's right. It's called eating your vegetables. You get all the vitamins, antioxidants, and protein as you do from drinking it. And here's a freebie: you get an added bonus of fiber. What's that noise? Yey regularity.

No.

Yesterday being hard carried on to today. I woke up this morning decided that I wasn't in the mood for this. At all. I think the precise thought was "no." I was five minutes away from calling in. Fortunately, being able to pay bills on time prevailed and I got up. I made it to work by the skin of my teeth. I even participated when I got there.

Trust me when I say I was happy to get home. I should strive to get more sleep. I think this may be the reason why being motivated has become so difficult. I may have to jump on the 30daytodo and get my life together.

I just want sleep

Today was hard. I don't know if it was the mixture lack of sleep and early rising or just poor living but I had a hard time working today. It usually isn't hard for me to get out of bed on Sundays. Today was not the case. The entire day I felt like I was slogging uphill. My boss looked as dead on his feet as I felt. Both of us desperately wanted to call it a day and close the store early. We didn't, for the record.

All day I wanted to post the same status:

What do you do when you're extra tired and just want to go home and get back in bed? You get to work.

Nickel Creek on stage. Saw it.

I got to experience the reunion tour of Nickel Creek. To summarize how it was without the fluff, it was awesome. To explain it with the fluff I have to start with the ticket purchase.

I heard about Nickel Creek getting back into the studio through Twitter. Then I promptly forgot about the tour that would be associated with the promotion of product of that studio time. Thanks to my second favorite form of entertainment, YouTube, I was reminded. I looked up the tour and saw that I had less than three weeks before there was a show. I tried to get my former roommate to come with me. He was after all the person who tried to introduce me to the band. I let him know that this was his chance. Having once told him that I would give the band a listen when I saw them live, them no longer being disbanded made it a joke on me.

The show was held in the beautiful Majestic Theater in downtown Dallas. I went alone. Turns out it was bad timing for my former roommate. My seat was just four rows back from the stage. Something that would have worried me as I was right under the wolfers but the sound carried well enough without the audio needing to be turned up too loud. I managed to have a good conversation with the ladies sitting on either side of me. They were both there alone as well and neither one from the area. Things started with Sarah Jarosz playing her set. During it I made a mental note to look into more of her work. She was rather good. Side note, she looks younger to me in person than she comes across through singing and videos. Her soulfully rounded voice didn't connect to the youthful face I saw on stage. Good nonetheless.

We waited a bit, though not as long as I expected, for Nickel Creek to get set up and come to the stage. I shall note that once again I attended a concert where I was not all that familiar with the music of the performer. I knew and am quite a fan of Chris Thile. I missed him the last time he came through town and decided to not make that mistake again. He seemed to talk more between set than when I saw him with the Punch Brothers. That may have been what encouraged the heckler. More on that later.

The lights lower and here come Sara, Sean and Chris plus a gentleman who played the bass. The audience cheered like a bunch of nuts. They jumped right into their set. There was a mixture of old versus new. Coming out of one song we were told that every word of it was true and that the same was true about the next tune. The next tune being an instrumental piece. Every word.

After wrapping up another song Chris launched into one of my most enjoyed parts of the night:

Chris: That last piece was a happy tune. It's safe to say this next piece isn't. Well, it's safe for me to say. Maybe not you guys. That's the advantage of knowing the set list. I can say it, you cannot. I can accurately say that the next song isn't a happy tune --
Heckler (from the balcony): I can't wait to hear it!
Sara (from out of nowhere): You may have to.
Audience: cheers wildly
Chris: Yeah, it's safe to say the next song isn't happy. Knowing the set list, sir, I can tell you that it may only agitate you. I know that about the next 3 minutes and 15 seconds... or 7 minutes if I keep talking. It's full of anger and doubt and actually may be perfect for you. You know what? I dedicate the next song to you, sir, in the balcony. I give you permission to let it all out. We can have a moment of silence just the two of us to start. Does a hushing motion to the laughing audience and then turns to the balcony and does a you-and-me gesture. 

He stood there silently for a moment before launching You Don't Know What's Going On. It was awesome. They were back lit with red lights and Chris played his mandolin so hard I wondered how long before he needed to refinish the instrument. Nuggets of joy like that continued. Chris later let us in on the reason Nickel Creek took a six and a half year break. They simply ran out of names for instrumental songs.

The show was incredible. I got a new appreciation for Hayloft. Destination is one of my new favorite songs. In the true form that these guys are incredible performers they left us with the greatest performance of Where is Love Now. Due to the acoustics of the Majestic being what they are the four of them unplugged for the final song. They came to the front of the stage. There were simple white light beams pointed at the ceiling. They started to play. I thought for sure they were going to do an instrumental and was surprised when Sara lowered her fiddle and started to sing. My wonderment peaked as her beautiful, lilting voice rang out in the quiet auditorium. I was carried through to the end with my mouth open in awe. It was one of the many times when music left me with the desire to hold myself. I felt as though I needed to keep my heart from flying away. As they sang and played the lights slowly lowered from pointing up to at the audience. Slowly swallowing Sara, Sean, Chris and the bassist in the light until it completely engulfed them. The last few notes rang out and the lights faded to black. There was a moment of silence where I heard a man a row behind me whisper what was on my mind. A simple, "wow." At that moment I knew I wasn't alone in being haunted by that performance.

The show was incredible. Funny, entertaining and filled with the stirrings that make music seem human. I had butterflies in my stomach throughout the show and loved every minute of it. Even the heckler because we were laughing at his expense at the end. (Something I completely condone when someone is senselessly rude to performers and fellow audience members.) Nickel Creek. I'd go to another of their shows in a heartbeat as my wild cheering annotated as they bowed.

You make being a fan worth my while

Fan art from DannyFanthomFreek

It is back. Well it never really went away with the creator posting weekly videos. I dwell on it year round. At the moment I am fangirling so hard that I'm finding it difficult to get coherent sentences together. Basically big rush of emotions.

Except for tears. No crying. Crying is lame. That is when I do it, anyway.

Platoon of Power Squadron

YouTube has given me many great things. From the ability to find the nomads to showing me other people get as excited about things I do, all of it has been gifted to me and for that I am grateful. My favorite is hands down PoPS.

Of the creators, Jake Jarvi is a man that I feel I can look up to. It seems silly as I've never met this man in person. In my eyes he is incredibly good at seeing what it is that he wants out of his life and finding ways to get to it. When he takes on projects I find myself rooting for him as though he were related to me. I can't even remember the last time I've wanted something for a family member as much as I want things to come together for him.

PoPS is this funny, quirky nugget of happiness that I came across over a year ago. It's a show about modern day vicenarians who are trying to live their lives. Oh, and they have super powers. It's hilarious and dark with plot twists and crazy special effect. It even manages to tell two stories, one of the characters and one of the creators. But why am I gushing?

I don't know what it is. I guess I'm speaking from the part of me that seeks acknowledgement. It could just be that I finally feel appreciated, but even that doesn't sound quite right. Tonight was a live show put on by the for main characters of the show. I made sure I didn't miss it. I've mentioned before that a reason I love YouTube is that it allows me to interact with the content creators. I've been having conversations in the comments of videos with Jarvi for months now. I've sought him out on Facebook to get a question answered, not been replied to only to get what I was looking for when I thought I was forgotten. He's taken time out of his day to throw words of encouragement and understanding my way when, simply put, he didn't have to.

I've tried to send him encouragement when he feels that his work is going unnoticed. While I feel that any message I send is a drop in the bucket, it feels good to know that some of it is being seen. For some reason I seem to doubt people's deductive reasoning abilities. I've messaged this guy on his YouTube page, on Facebook and had conversations with him on Twitter. I don't have consistent branding so every profile is different. Although all of the profiles have pictures of my face, it never occurred to be that he'd know it was the same me coming at him from all the different mediums. Tonight let me know that he did know. In the live show he made note of my participation in his fan base. Eliza, his wife, let me know that I wasn't this obscure nothing. Sitting there and having her talk as though my name is ubiquitous throughout the fans of PoPS has me smiling from ear to ear.

From being told that my reaction to the possible cessation of the updates saved the updates to being remembered when I requested the buttons during the fundraiser, I've been given little snippets of how he notices I'm here. Tonight's show made me feel as though I am actually having a conversation with him. I'm not just throwing things out into the void of the internet. He's on the other end of the signal and he and his wife are actually paying attention. I am so thankful.

I'll be sad for it to end but I am so glad I'm getting to experience it now.

Oh yeah, did I do a concert or two?

I said I'd elaborate on why the Monumentour wasn't a complete waste of money. Well it's wasn't a waste of money at all. It was freaking awesome and even with things seeming to only work against my enjoyment, enjoyment was had.

I went to the show, showing up before it began despite coming from the other side of the metroplex in rush hour. Fortunately, living here allowed for me to root out a way that avoided all of the show traffic. I had easy comings and goings. So I get there and, well... let's talk about the goings on surrounding as well as this show.

I drove in not facing any traffic. Looking off to the distance I could see a hell of a storm rolling in. Being the pluviophile, it only added to the electric energy I was feeling about the show. I got to the venue and was happy to realize that I'd missed the memo that parking was included with the price of the ticket. Upon getting into the venue I find the news of Paramore cancelling their set. Complete honesty I was so bummed I was a bit angry. They were, after all, the reason I bought the tickets to the show. Fortunately I had decided to familiarize myself with Fall Out Boy's latest album. At this point my love for live music had me completely stoked to see them as well.

My preoccupation with Paramore cancelling and my seat under the overhang allowed me to forget about that beautiful storm that was rolling in. Guess what? It rolled on in. Before either of the sets began a cheer started from the left side of the covered seating. I, sitting on the right, was clueless as to what was going on for a moment. The cheering got louder. I turn around to see a curtain of rain sweeping over everyone with lawn seats.

Look at those clouds.

It was in pretty intense. A good chunk of the lawn audience flooded the aisles seeking cover, where they stayed through the New Politics set. The rain didn't completely let up until well into FOB set. With the rain came lightning which caused the surge that cut the audio from the wolfers. New Politics, realizing that their set wasn't reaching much of the crowd, stopped and apologetically left the stage. For thirty minutes we waited for them to reboot. Reboot they did and NP came back and finished their set. Then the wait began again.

An additional thirty minutes of wandering...

what's behind the curtain?

It did eventually fall and boy was it sweet. These men came to play.

They took up the slack left by the poor disease ridden Hayley. The set up was quite elaborate. There were five monitors the were flying in and out as the songs changed. A platform set up with hydraulics for entrances. The four guys took the stage coming out of the platform and took no time jumping straight into the set.

Enter my ability to gush. The show was extraordinary. There was a so much chemistry between the guys. Every part of the stage gave you a little nugget to feast your eyes on. I looked up at one point and Pete and Joe had their heads together feeding off each other while they played. Patrick has this wonderful habit of rocking back and forth when he sings. There was even a point when Patrick totally missed a note just as the footage of Andy drumming was streaming. The look on Andy's face as he assessed what was going on was great. As was his expression when he decided to dismiss it and get on with his drumming. Not that he missed a beat.

Not being a die hard fan of Fall Out Boy allowed for me to be surprised by the artistry of the band. Listening to Pete play a part that showcased what can be done with a bass guitar was excited. (Good thing he's a song writer and all that.) Watching Andy play the drums as though the set was an extension of his body was dope. Patrick did not disappoint. He sang both his and Elton John's part of Save Rock and Roll. Which for some reason I thought would be done in the same key he seemed to be singing everything else. I was wrong.

I found that he can play guitar, piano, and (most surprising) the drums.

What's that? The best shot I was willing to get without forgetting to experience the show I was attending IRL. Andy and Pete feature the rhythm section.

Musicians that don't stop always give me butterflies. These guys aren't content with a desultory job.

My favorite moment came when the lights were cut low and the audience was reminded that we all had cell phones. Without any further prompting needed we pulled them out and had a moment from the 70s using our modern lighters to show participation and light the stage. Fall Out Boy performed the song to the light of our cell phone flashbulbs while we waved them back and forth. It was incredible.

I know I went to that show expecting to hear The Only Exception and Ain't it Fun but I can't imagine it being a better show. Fall Out Boy came and played an awe inspiring show. They had flash, pyrotechnics and the usual smoke to catch the light beams. They even threw a little distraction and managed to walk through the crowd while I was being told to look elsewhere. That show had me leaving the venue only to play their CD in the car on the way home. I would go see them again in a heartbeat. I am so happy I got to see that show.

Keep the music coming.

Long weekends that aren't long seem to be a staple in my life. C'est le vie.

I am planning on going to another two concerts over the next few months. I finally gave in to my desire to see Arctic Monkeys and the Black Keys live. I'm excited about this. Instead of a summer of live music I've extended it to include the fall and winter. I'm still getting butterflies. Only down side is that going with people, which I am for both of these, I'll have to deal with them not being quite as excited as I am. The plus side is that I'll be going to see Arctic Monkeys and the Black Keys.

So. Stoked.

Monumentour

I bought Paramore by Paramore and got extra excited to see them live. I bought a ticket for their stop in my town on Monumentour. I had a panic attack thinking I missed the show. Then I worked a full day on the day of the show.

Then the show happened.

Paramore cancelled their set.

I got rained on.

There was lightning.

The power went out.

New Politics had to vacate the stage mid-set.

Things were on a downward spiral.


And then they weren't. Fall Out Boy took the stage and well... More on that later.

Deep breath in, exhale. Don't cry. It really is okay.

An E-mail sent was sent to me letting me know that I concert I was looking forward to was about to happen. A run of the mill get-your-ticket-before-it's-too-late message. I, thinking it's a reminder for Monumentour, clicked on it expecting to see details for Tuesday night. Instead I saw details for Aug 2. As in a day that has passed. As in I sat in my bed while this concert happened. Hands shaking I start looking at every bit of information I thought I had. I finally find my ticket and see that it does say Aug 5th, the day I had on my calendar. I go back to the E-mail and finally see it. It's for a city I do not live in. Oh man. That scared me. My heart started racing and even though I haven't missed this concert I feel tears threatening.

This little incident played to my fears. I have had long days that have caused me to forget my evening commitments. With the way work has been going it feels like a very real possibility for me to have a long day and just go home forgetting the concert. Only realizing my folly upon waking up the next day. In fact, I just did such a thing on Friday. I was planning on going to a friend's birthday celebration but forgot after a co-worker kept me at work an extra hour. The thought that I'll just forget about this concert fits so well with my dingbat antics that I am so scared I'll actually forget.

Despite being so excited for this concert. Despite playing the music I can't wait to see repeatedly. Despite it not being the 5th and still having the chance to attend, I deeply shaken by what I thought was an actualization of my fears. This may be a mixture of my love for music and my need for sleep and exercise.

This is what I get for not checking my E-mails regularly.

Rat a Tat

Here we are again. Sitting in excitement about what is to come.

Monumentour is two days away. It's a little surprising to me how excited I am. I remember when I got it into my head that I wanted to go to a Paramore concert. I remember when I told myself to stop being silly about the fact that they were coming with Fall Out Boy. I even remember when the game changer happened.

A friend of mine had me watch the video Fall Out Boy made for their album. The entire album. While it was a bit much, it did what it was made to do. It gave me a reason to sit and listen to the album. A decision that lead to me purchasing it for further research.

My only opinion is it's so good. When I listen to Paramore, I want to see them live. I had it in my mind that I needed to make this happen. So I purchased a ticket to Monumentour. Now, listening to Save Rock and Roll, it's getting to the point that I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about the greatness of this concert. To say I am excited... Butterflies. I literally want to jump for joy when I think about it. I can hardly wait to be present for this showcase of... Of what I feels speaks to and resonates in my soul. A bit much. I don't care.

Music that I love is going to happen in live in a venue and I will be there. I will see the music as it unfolds from their hands and throats. I will ride the highs and lows of the energy put off by those surrounding me who also feel the love I feel. Why would I want to be anywhere else?

Whoa. I am riling myself up. I shall stop talking about this until a later date.

Maybe my greatest love despite what you think

There seem to be a lot of requirements surrounding a person's ability to be passionate. I will admit that I have been guilty of criticizing the love and passion of others. I have mixed up one's love with one's ability to be a FAQs page. I'll admit to being wrong about that here: I am wrong. This realization came when someone called into question my love of music.

Two-fold situation: First, recently I have been told by several people that I know it all when it comes to music. I sing along to just about everything when I am familiar enough. Basically give me two days of the radio and I'll know enough Top 40* to be able to cancel it's irritation by singing along. I refute the accusation of musical omniscience because it just isn't true. My most accurate response is that I listen to a lot of music. Which, while I feel represents me well, also feels inaccurate in the grand scheme of things. I mean, on a global scale of music out there versus what I've heard... Astronomical difference.
Second, someone told me I didn't know music because I wasn't knowledgeable with every lyric that fell from the mouth of Ozzy Osbourne. I know who he is and I understand he is a pillar in the music industry. However, the genre he represents isn't my go to. Similar to rap.

I'm speaking out against people who crap on other people's passions just because their requirements aren't met. I refuse to allow someone's outside view tell me how I feel about music. My music collection represents a lot of different genres but by no means all of them and certainly not equally.

Though this little high horse has my thinking. This just may be a well timed experiment to promote self-awareness. Knowing that there are times where I am far too sensitive should prepare me for dealing with my own reactions. Instead of getting irritated I should just remind myself that I don't know everything there is to know about music. Plus it isn't bad to remember that other opinions do not take away what music is to me. Now I understand how it feels to impose my requirements on the passions of others. No one asked me and I need to never stop shutting up.

For some people being passionate is knowing everything. I have been obsessed with that line of thinking in the past. Life just recently taught me that wasn't always necessary. Music being one example. I am not stuck in the music that happened three decades ago. It is great, but not everything. There is so much new stuff to find and explore. There are so many artist coming out and showing new ways to use music for expression. I'd say I'm stuck in the now, yet it's really just what's brought to my attention. An album sounds great and will be released next week, I want it. An album has a great rhythm and was dropped ten years ago, I want it.

I just want to continue my romance with music.


*No offense meant to Top 40, I just find it annoying that radio doesn't seem to diversify. Ever.

I love you, Music.

Just when I think I'll have to hold off on all the music I want to purchase, my birthday happens. Thanks to my mother and dear friend, I now have five new albums on their way to me. Then my sister allowed me to con her into buying yet another CD earlier today. Heck yeah for sixty dollars worth of music that didn't take away from gas money.

This couldn't come at a better time. I find myself constantly frustrated as of late. Now I can ease into my music and forget about being angry for a few moments. Having new sounds allows me to keep from being so irritated that I decide to sit in silence because nothing sounds right. Who knows, if the music is good enough I may come out of it with a goofy grin. Goofy grin means infinitely better mood than hateful scowl.

Music. Will anyone ever treat me as well as you? Will all of my other relationships pale in comparison to the brilliant passion we have? I'll just focus on our now. I love you, Music.

Birth-weekend

My very first. It was awesome. My actual birthday was great. I started it with breakfast with my mother. The food was good. Her company was awesome. I bugged my sister while she was at her hair appointment. Then there was work. It wasn't that bad... It... yeah. I just summed it up. It wasn't that bad. My friend got her brother and my roommate together and took me out to dinner afterwards. She let me know that she had a vast budget for me to squander. I had an appetizer, dinner, dessert and a couple of drinks to boot. I thank her vastly for the evening of attention. She even got me my favorite energy drink as a gift.

Today started with a stark difference to the bliss I felt yesterday. I woke up cursing my job before convincing myself to get out of bed. I was so irritated on my way to work that I thanked the traffic jam that delayed me. Work happened. It ended. I was happy the day was over. Getting home took less time then I expected, especially since I felt like every other driver was working solely to slow me down.

Then things took a turn. Upon getting home my landlady asked me if I got a package from my brother for my birthday. I was confused because I hadn't received a package. Then it clicked. I backed a web series about nine months ago. The premiere of the latest episode just happened. My DVD had arrived. To say I was excited cheapens the level of emotion felt. I've been wanting to binge watch the episodes for weeks now.

After forcing those around me to be excited about this, I went back to clean up the package I'd tossed aside for my prize within. I picked up the package to throw it away and heard something move inside. Upon looking inside I saw buttons. Back story time:

When the campaign launched to fund the episode I wanted a combination of things that weren't packaged together. There was a level of donating that gave me a button set. Then there was a level that gave me all of the episodes up to the current one getting ready to launch (the package I wanted). I sought out the creator to see how much money did he want for me to get the DVD set and the buttons. He told me that he'd do some research and get back to me. I never heard back. I messaged him again to no avail. With hope lost I donated for the DVD set and gave up on the buttons. Today I get the DVD set and find that even though I didn't give more for them, he included the buttons in my package.

I immediately messaged him letting him know that he was the cherry on top of my cake of a weekend. Expressing my happiness at finding that I wasn't forgotten or ignored when I thought no solution could be reached. Being forever the number one reason I still enjoy participating in YouTube, he responded to me.

 As shown I then mentioned my birthday despite my desire to tell everyone who when completely unprovoked tell strangers it's their birthday that no one cares. Thinking for sure that the conversation was over on his end, I threw it out there and was pleasantly surprised again.

This night wrapped up with me being unable to contain my gushing about wanting to meet this man. I am such huge a fan of his content and opinions. This is even better than Google telling me happy birthday. And I was pretty stoked about that.

Happy Birthday

I seem to be celebrating my birthday as a birth-weekend. I didn't mean to. Between my family being busy and me working, I have people wanting to celebrate with me over the entire weekend. I have so many good people in my life. Earlier today I got to see a movie with my sister. The movie was sub par but her company was awesome. Then I was able to see a roller derby bout which I had been looking forward to for two months. Tomorrow will bring breakfast with my mother and dinner with a friend.
I find it silly but my DM sent me an E-mail wishing me a happy birthday. While I don't entirely feel they meant it or cared, it still made me smile. I guess that means the message did it's job. However my favorite was Google's birthday wish. One of my friends thought I was crazy for being happy about Google accurately stalking me. I don't care. I used to have entire photo folders on my computer devoted to the different Google logos. Having one directed to me is so awesome. Thank you, Google. Happy Birthday to me.

I want to take on other's talents

I do this thing where I constantly wish I was better at things. Where I wish I had more talent? Where I compile lists of things I wish were better about myself? Whatever. I'm passionate about a lot of things. In the definition for Nerdfighteria, I am a nerd because I get excited about things and am not ashamed. In my excitement I always wish I can see the things I love in myself. This is a never ending pattern. I go to a concert and wish I could play an instrument. I go to a movie and miss my acting days of high school.


In the end I have this list of things that I am in constant want of doing.

-learn to play guitar
-learn to play piano
-be a better bike rider
-learn to skateboard
-build a record collection
-be more active
-travel

Even as I type this list I'm sitting here wondering why can't I do all of this? I have a guitar. I just need to practice. I can't commit to piano lessons until I can play more than four chord progressions on guitar, but I can get there. I want a bike and already know how to ride one. Riding frequently improves my abilities so there is that. I'm eyeing a skateboard on Amazon.com, I just have to purchase it. My record collection doesn't have to happen overnight. I have time to work on that. Then being more active is just me getting off my butt, i.e. riding a bike, learning to skateboard or walking.

I've found myself constantly asking what it is I am waiting for to start living my life. I don't have an answer, but I feel like I'm still waiting for it. That has to change.

Sad Shadows

I've fallen into the pit of despair that is only brought on by being a woman. To say I lacked enthusiasm in performing tasks today would be an understatement of epic proportions. My usual complaint of everything hurts is still as prevalent as ever. Both my hands and my feet are swollen. I must have eaten far too much salt in last few days. My throat is bugging me so much that my dream self croaks as she talks.

I'm just uncomfortable. I want a day where I can be stationary. The moment I wrote that sentence I realized how ridiculous it was. I just don't know what to do. I'm swollen, my feet hurt, I'm always tired, and everything is a mess. Whine whine whine.

Hopefully it'll be better after I get some sleep.

Monkey see, monkey do

Who says watching YouTube for hours is unproductive? What's that? Everyone who has the ability to be productive? Oh okay. I say it can be extremely productive. Well, not the stationary watching of bright screens. The looking into other people's life and being motivated part. I'll explain.

I have been going on and on and on and on about how I want to be more active. That didn't quite stem from me being too pudgy. It came from me watching others having fun and getting around in ways that required an elevated heart beat. Today, however, was the best example. I have been trying to do my laundry for two weeks. Pathetic, I know. I started it last week and took to long to finish causing myself to be ousted.

My continued avoidance of the task attributed to the chaos that is my room. I started my laundry again today. That is after I sat in bed until 1 in the afternoon. Then I went to a movie and continued to postpone finishing the job. Finally I loaded the last load into the wash and what happened? I forgot about it. What was all that chatter I was doing about YouTube? Oh yeah. Watching a YouTube video where a lady was discussing her difficulty staying on top cleaning tasks I remembered I'm still doing laundry. Thanks to her I may actually finish tonight. Yeah other people's productivity being my motivation.

I don't fare stupid well

I have difficulty working with people who I don't feel are intelligent. This is such a bad thing to state. Why is it that the moment you decide that you would rather an environment of competent people you become the opposite of a team player? Suddenly I can't be a go getter if I find it hard to look at someone I feel is stupid and keep working... Okay, I get that one, but it's the truth. I get extremely irritable when I find myself having to follow a bad leader.

With all of my issues in followship (which of course, is the opposite of the leadership) roles I'm beginning to thing that my problems just stem from my bullheadedness. I am so stubborn. I want to do things my way. I understand that there is a reason for things to be done a certain way. However, show me a way that makes little sense and I will either fight it or fight myself to keep from fighting it. Ridiculous, I know. It is a constant struggle for me to not be the most irritating person to work alongside.

I also have issues with being told to do something a certain way only for it to be changed at whim. Basically I'm just full of reasons to whine and complain. I should probably work on being a better me. Dang it. All of my complaints stem back to be not being a good enough person. Screw me and my logical thoughts about myself.

I just can't be bothered

I should make a list of all of the things I can't be bothered with. I've finally decided. I'm not lazy, I just can't be bothered to do anything. What can't I be bothered with?

• laundry
• cleaning my room
• removing month old toenail polish
• dishes

Basically everything that up to now I've been putting off doing. laziness? After I get off work the only thing that I want to do is lie around and eat. laziness?? A major problem (to say the least). It's like I want to wake up one day not only being more active, but also having the ability to be more active. Pipe dreams, I know. The only thing that inspires a sense of urgency from me is catching up on YouTube. This is why I am attuned to my potential of dying fat. Who knows, I may not be bothered to do that either.

Now is probably a good time for me to tackle this toenail issue.


Note to self: The reason you don't write entries after a few glasses of wine is it's too difficult to align your thoughts.

Sleep or swim

America day dawns. It makes me ridiculously tired and I am not even doing anything. Well, I am attending a party put on by my family. Not planning, not setting up or breaking down just attending and I feel more tired the more I think about it. I'm torn between sleeping through the day and taking advantage of the chance to swim.

I should be using tomorrow to take care of all that home life maintenance that I was going on about the other day. Yeah. All my fear of gaining a new identifer wasn't enough to actually invoke action from me. I still had to function outside of home causing me to back burner everything that was bugging me. Laundry still demands to be done. Trash still demands to be rounded up and removed. I may have even worsened my issues in a category or two. I.. uh... there's... well... *sigh*. I don't know.

On the plus side there's an episode of the Art Assignment on YouTube that has me wanting make a rug out of all of my old clothes. I think I'll just donate the things that can still be worn and have an arts and crafts project for the rest. First however I need to wash the clothes that are currently climbing my wall. I have so many things to do other than sleep. And yet it is always the number one thing I want to do.

New identifier? I hope not.

Yet another day of chronicling how sleep deprived I feel. I have a secret to beat this. Really I do. It's called getting more sleep. Yet for some reason I fight my sleep like 2 year old, violently and without reason. It seems the older I get the more I revert back to my preschool days. All of this, though, is neither here nor there.

Today is the launch of me wanting to be a less unhealthy me. The majority of which shall be documented elsewhere. It's time I showed myself that I can be what I want. I'm going to be a dragon. Hopefully I'll be a dragon that doesn't feel like she's become such a slob. My first line of business needs to be to restore my home situation.

I have times when I like to think I'm not as bad a homemaker as others I know. I always knew that things get messy but it was always under control. Usually. Right?

Okay, maybe not. Right now is a prime example. I don't know why my landlady hasn't laid into me about the state of my room. The thought just hit me as I was looking around, "since when do I live in my own trash?" It's gotten a little scary. If I walked into a friends house and it looked like my room does now I'd be hard pressed to touch any surface. I take out the trash only to find more. An empty wine bottle lays on the floor making me out to be a little overindulgent. Laundry climbs the wall and dishes lay around rinsed but in desperate need to be thoroughly washed. I am immunized to my own mess. I don't know if it's because I alone use my dishes allows me to just keep using the dirty ones or if I'm just a disgusting person. Perhaps both? All I know is that I really should do better.

The deciding factor was when I left a used napkin on the floor for two days. It was when the word slob finally started to feel like one of my identifiers. Talk about a wake up call. It has gone beyond being too tired to clean to being to lazy to aim two feet to the left. The only saving grace is that I don't have an otherworldly smell that is usually associated with this kind of disarray...

That I know of. Could I be used to it?..

Oh man, I have to clean my room.

One foot in front of the other

I'm in my last days of going about my days with reckless abandon. At least as it pertains to my body. So what do I do in preparation? Binge eat of course. I'm planning on cutting my portions as I stated yesterday on July 1st. I want to try for a healthier me. I can't do that if I keep eating the same amount I'm currently used to. However, there are a few things that I want to indulge in before I crack down.

First I want a burger from Burger Island. I've found myself craving one several times over the last few days. I also want to satiate my Chinese craving. These things will not help me in the long run, I am aware. I already feel the strain my bad choices are putting on my body. It's part of the reason I desire a change.

Recently my feet have been hurting in a way that I haven't felt before. Growing up there was a time I had chronic foot pain. It consisted of my feet hurting when I applied pressure as well as when I released pressure if I was on them for too long. I never did find out what caused it. Shortly after that started happening I lost some weight and haven't had that problem since. Now I feel as though a ligament is strained. Except I'm not entirely sure if that is what I'm feeling. All I know is that there is an almost burning pain when I squeeze my foot. It started in my left foot and then I woke up feeling it in both. I was very happy about that.

I am doing a little bit to prepare for the change. I got up and went on my three mile walk. It finally clicked that I was walking with traffic the whole way and that I should change that. I did so today. It. Was. Hell. I don't know if it was because I was having a difficult time getting out of my head. I don't know if it was the drinking that happened on Friday night. Maybe it was the stroganoff and hard cider I had on Saturday night. Maybe it was everything, but today was the hardest three miles I've ever walked. I didn't make it half way before I was acutely aware of my breathing, the blisters developing on my feet, the cramp in abdomen and the other 1.5 miles that was yet to come. There was at least thirty minutes of me telling myself that I could finish, that I had done this walk before. Not to mention the parts where I begged myself to listen to the music and just keep going. I made it though. Being on my feet at work all day after this morning was not ideal, but I did that as well. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow. I can already feel it setting in.

Can I just be less squishy?

I am pushing myself into another diet of sorts. It's not really a diet as those never work. I just want to be healthier. I want to be more active. I feel that if I lost weight I'd be more active. What better way to lose the weight than to be more active. Eh? See what I did there? I have many many problems with losing weight.

For one thing, I need to resist the urge to eat so much. Since I tend to eat so quickly that by the time my body has caught up to the fact I am full, I've overdone it. The problem is the feeling of being hungry frustrates me. It has always been the one thing that bugged me the most. Over the years it was always the only thing that encouraged my brief stints of taking diet pills.

I want to be more thin. By no means to I want to be a toothpick. It's an unrealistic goal that I am not seeking. More accurately, I want to be slimmer than what I am. I just want to feel less heavy. If there is less of me being drug around I may have more energy to bike and run and hike and do things that don't involve being stationary. I can't say how many times recently I've wanted to pick up a new sport. For some reason I want to learn how to penny board. Is it called a penny board in America? A question I keep wondering.

I am trying to figure out this whole thing without going to a nutritionist. I am thinking that I am going to do my best to work out every day. I also want to be more conscious of my portions. Despite hating the feeling of being hungry I want to strive for consuming half my usual portion size. I also want to give myself a cheat day in the month so I am not always consumed by cravings. More specifically I want to do the following things:

• cut soda
• cut juice
• cut sugary sweets
• half my portions
• work out daily

Hopefully I can stick to this. There are a few rewards that I have in store for myself if I succeed. One of which being a day at the theme park riding some roller coasters. It's not that I can't now. Only I've done the walk of shame and I am rather reluctant to find out these hips don't lie. All I want for Christmas is a healthier me. That's my Christmas wish. Truly though, I want to start on July 1st. Here goes nothing.

I want my glasses

I seem to be an arms length yet worlds away from so many things. I can't put into words half of what is going through my head, so instead I'll talk about glasses.

All day long all I can think about is the eminent arrival of my glasses. Of course the thing I am most excited about are the sunglasses. A pair of shades that I can where sans glasses or contact and still see. Huzzah! I probably should have asked after I ordered my glasses (the pair I ordered in person) when they were expected to be in. Alas, I did not. Now every day is a mystery. Either way they are coming. Yey.

Sleep on a day off? Not this time

Finally. I used a day off the way it's supposed to be used. I didn't sleep through the day though at first I thought I would. I fell asleep again without finishing everything the night before. I woke up thinking that I wanted to finish my slightly uncomfortable rest in a more comfortable way. I talked myself out of it.

I decided to earn myself some money. That was easy. I may be able use that to get some prescription sunglasses. I'm excited about that. Then I finally scheduled my eye exam that was supposed to take place in January. I've committed to a more prominent set of glasses that I'm half excited about and half nervous about. It's a bit of a bold statement. I feel like I subconsciously took a step towards being more of a hipster. I shouldn't be surprised, it's been brewing for a while.

I got to hang out with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while. That was cool. We got lunch and chatted about a plethora of things. I even paid the bills today. Things just happened. Well, some things. I did not get around to cleaning my room, doing my laundry, washing my hair, or taking out my trash. Baby steps, I guess. I'm beginning to understand why it's important to have two days off. One is there to recuperate from the beat down the work week delivers. The other one serves as free time to handle business. I should probably make some changes so I can get back to having two days off a week. After five years it's starting to get to me. Interesting.

DPC

The last few weeks have beat me down. It was crazy sauce.

The other night I went to see Driftless Pony Club. They're on tour and came through town. I decided to not miss an opportunity to meet someone who feels like they are in a different universe. I understand that they are just people who make videos. However, I am looking into the lives of people who aren't my personal friends and don't live around me. That feels strangely intimate to me which makes me desire to meet them. Plus I have this thing for live music.

The venue was an coffee house, apropos for the front man who has a catchphrase "I love it when the coffee's done." I loved the vibe of the place and have decided to get my friends back over there sometime. Unfortunately for the band (fortunately for me as I'm an old woman at heart), the band received some noise complaints and had to turn down the volume for their set after maybe two songs. Personally I felt the sound was more rounded that way. Let me explain, the venue was this small concrete basement. With the sound up so high all you heard was an overload of instruments and no vocals. Once the volume came down I could hear the songs being sung. Though it was sad to see that the drummer had to be turn it down. I've recently fallen in love with watching drummers do their thing.

The guys in the band were comedians at heart. They were cracking jokes in between songs. The bassist decided that he was rocking too hard to be on stage. He just backed off the stage, playing all the while. He back about ten feet into the crowd just because. I enjoyed watching them play. I also enjoyed meeting them afterwards. I got to talk to one of the guys about creepy pictures and stage a picture for the heck of it. I also failed to check a picture I took with another guy. I was so disappointed to find that picture was blurry.

Always check your photos or just get better at taking them.

Conversations get you great things.

Weeks of Awesome

My weeks of awesome have not come to a close just yet. It will tomorrow night. I'd say that I'm a little bummed about it but instead I am just excited. As I am always when it comes to being able to the chance to meet a Youtuber. Driftless Pony Club is coming to town bringing their front man, Craig Benzine, or Wheezy Waiter. I'm stoked. They are also bringing with them live music. Another concert to keep up my live music kick.

I've decided to be smart about this. Since I need to open at work tomorrow, sleep needs to happen now. As in right now. I will, however, put it off a little more to finish my thoughts. I have a plan to pack a change of clothes so I don't have to waste time coming home to change. I am thinking that a double lunch needs to be packed in order for me to save my money buying CDs at the concert. My mind is running a hundred thoughts a minute. At least I know where I'm going this time. Yey practice drive. I won't get lost like I almost did going to the Subbox Tour.

In other news, PoPS is releasing it's 8th episode in three days. Maybe that's why I'm not bummed about my weeks of awesome coming to an end. I consciously forgot but subconsciously remembered that it isn't. I now have PoPS to look forward to as well.

That weekend. Man.

My first day back to work after stretching myself way thin this weekend. Talk about a difficult time. Even with yesterday off from life I still ended up staying up until after midnight to bring in my mother's new year on this planet. Happy Birthday, Mom.

It's now been a few days of pushing forward with less than the ideal amount sleep. Unlike Warped Tour work didn't have as much stimulation to keep me feeling energized. I made it through the day but it was a long one. I feel like a dead girl walking all day long Also it's definite that I burned on neck and shoulders. I'm not blistering like my friend, so that's a thing.

Warped Tour

Mother flipping Warped Tour.

Everything I wanted and more. It was incredible. I sweated, burned, danced, found new artist, and stood on my feet for eight hours. I got to see We the Kings (the entire reason I bought the ticket). I even got to find a band that I was familiar with from my years of hearing music but not knowing bands.

However, before I get into Warped Tour I must discuss my mother's party. All of my whining and complaining were for naught. It was a lot of fun. We danced most of the night. Despite me being a crotchety old maiden and feeling like the music was far too loud, the DJ was incredible. He got up and showed us some line dances. He danced with my mother, twirled her really showing everyone up. The food was good. The decorations were nice. My aunt and mother did an excellent job. My mother brought in her 50th year with style.

Now Warped Tour. This day... God gave me so much more than I could have imagined I desired. It started with Gabrielle noticing the tent named Warped YouTubers. I was busy fretting over We the Kings. Not only were there YouTubers but there was one that I was familiar with. What? I didn't even know he'd be there. There he was. I got a picture with him. That was cool.

 

Afterwards, Gabrielle decided that we needed to eat before watching the We the Kings set. We went to the other side of the festival from where the stage they were playing was located. She wanted to sit down for a bit so we copped a squat next to the concession stands. Sitting there I realized that we were right at the entrance gate for the food tent for the performers and crew. Who should coming strolling out but the owner of the Delorean kit himself. On his way to play his set, Danny Duncan walks in front of me and I had to make a quick decision as to whether I should stop him or not. I stopped him. Even though he had his call time to make he stopped and took a picture with me. I thanked him via Twitter.

My face makes it look as though I was ungrateful for the encounter. I had food in my mouth, that's how spur of the moment this was, when I called him over.

The day continued in that manner. Gabrielle got me over to an acoustic set by Yellowcard, reminding me that there is music out there that I like but don't know where to find it. We the Kings did not disappoint with their show. It was just as exciting to watch as I dreamed. I saw this set by a artist named Antiserum. I danced through his entire set. He had the pit bumping. During his set I was making up my mind to visit his merch table to purchase a CD if I could and his hat because it was sic albeit simple. A hat ended up being tossed into the crowd and I got it. Then when I went after his music, turns out it's all free online.

I wanted to stay for Yellowcard's second set but Gabrielle was feeling beat down and needed to get home to her animals. Sensing my reluctance leave she saved my day. She decided that she will go home. Yet, since we both came in her car she would return to pick me up later and carry me home after the last concert. I wish that I could say I refused to inconvenience her in that manner, but alas music is my drug. She left and I underwent the remainder of the festival alone. Something I am not unaccustomed to doing. The day was dope. I think I'm sunburned, my throat hurts a little, I'm beat and I wouldn't ask for it to go any differently.

 

Need sleep because Warped Tour

Gearing up for a weekend by... not getting enough sleep. I never learn. I should be in bed. After all tomorrow night is my mother's party celebrating her 50th birthday. Sunday is Warped Tour. I'm already exhausted and I haven't spent eight hours on my feet in the sun. Thank God I have Monday off. I may sleep away another day off... I still need to do laundry.

I'm extremely excited for this weekend. Although part of me, the part that wishes I never had to get out of bed, is a little worried. I finally had a day to myself. I spent it at the movies forgetting about my to-do list that sat in need of attention here at home. I regret nothing. This weekend marks the beginning of a whirlwind. There's my mother's party, Warped Tour, and the DPC concert. I'm still a little stressed at work. Things are a bit crazy. There are a curious amount of elements present to produce a dead girl walking. I'm not complaining. I love being able to live my life. I'm still testing my limits. I bet I'll find out what they are when I keel over.

Movie day off

Today I learned that I will pretty much do anything to avoid handling basic responsibilities. Okay, maybe I didn't learn that today. Maybe that is a thing that I've known about myself for years. Either way I have managed to waste a day off. Though I like to call it relaxing.

My day started with me waking up after falling asleep at an odd time. After I finished a few things that I should have completed before crashing, I went back to sleep. Later I woke up late to my alarm. It was time to get my day started. I went to go see The Fault in Our Stars. Since a lot, and I do mean a lot, of tweens are interested in seeing this movie I decided to go to a showing that few newly-released-for-summer kids would want to drag themselves out of bed to attend. It was my best decision not to push that to a later time when I had trouble getting out of bed. The theater was mostly empty. Not to worry as the movie is number one in the box office.

I cried just as I expected I would. It was a beautiful and touching story. I left with my eyes burning and a smile on my face. I need to rush through To Kill a Mockingbird so that I can read The Fault in Our Stars. I am touched with a sentiment that seems to be going around: D**m John Green.

The pressure in my chest had me feeling that I needed a pick me up. What better to grant that than the latest Tom Cruise movie? Answer: nothing. He's dreamy. I enjoy his movies. I try to catch everyone he's in. This one being the Edge of Tomorrow. A strange story line that I couldn't grasp from the trailer. It was quite entertaining. There was suspense, comedy, and tragedy all in there. I can't wait to own it so I can watch it an obscene number of times. That is the first time I've ever felt that way about an alien invasion movie. Oh wait, second. There was Oblivion which was also Tom Cruise.

My day off turned into a movie day. I didn't do laundry which needs to be done. I have not straightened my room. I haven't even eaten a proper meal all day, probably the reason for my headache. Day wasted/rested, whatever. I enjoyed it.

♫♪So hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah♫♪

Today was my first day back to work after vacation. It was a difficult day. After spending majority of my week essentially only worrying about hanging out with my friend as she prepares to get married, getting back in the swing of business was almost a miss. Friend time, all week. The only time I thought about either work or the people I work with was when I told a story about sunburn. Other than that I'm that co-worker that doesn't miss her colleagues when she's away. Miss them? More accurately I don't think about them. I leave my work, colleagues included, at work at the end of the day.

Last week was no different. I was away from Wednesday until Monday. My time was spent in hair appointments and dinners. I got dressed up and stood in a spot all pretty like. None of these things reminded me of the "fun" I was missing at work. What did remind me of what I had been missing at work? Going back to work today. The whole day was one drag after another. I was told that I was particularly quiet, something that is not a natural state of my being. The whole day I felt, while not crabby, as though I was in a funk. My smile disappeared at the door and I didn't feel it on my face again until I was driving home. I don't know what the problem was, but it is disconcerting. I don't know why it's so hard.

Gotta change the name in my phone

It's done. The wedding is over. My friend is now a married woman.

The last few days leading up to the wedding were a bit of a whirlwind. Fortunately, being a bridesmaid I was able to hang out with the bride in the midst of it all. Thursday night we had the rehearsal dinner followed by the rehearsal. Friday brought on the nail appointment. Afterwards we went to dinner at Cheesecake factory. That was a lot of fun. We all ate too much.

I spent the night in a hotel, thanks to the parents of the bride. Even though I stayed up too late I was still up early the next. I was ready for the wedding. I started my morning off with an emergency run to Walmart. We ate breakfast. Afterwards we headed out to get makeup done around noon. Well makeup for me, hair and makeup for the others.

The wedding was quite the party. We took picture, ate cake, and danced like crazy people. I was in love with my green dress and by the end of the night I got to take home not one but two bouquets. How is that? Because who has two thumbs and caught the bouquet with all the single ladies? This girl.

It was a great night. I am so happy to have been apart of it.