Sitting on my chest

My stomach hurts. I keep getting pulsing pains from the base of my skull. I feel like crying which only gets stronger the longer I sit in silence. This is the time I usually think about my failed attempts at college. It's also the time where I think about the jobs that I have which only seem to fill me with anxiety. The only desire I have is to burrow deep in my covers in bed and forget it all. That, of course, is a terrible idea because it gives me the chance to keep torturing myself with these toxic thoughts of failing at life.

Why does it have to be like this? Why is it a constant cycle of being okay, of coping, of handling things and then this? This feeling as though the earth had given beneath my feet and I'm falling. I fall into this pit where I can do nothing right. Where I have done nothing right.

Even though I know it isn't true it's really hard to shake this despair. Things are okay. I'm all right. Right? God, it doesn't feel like it.