In the many thoughts that went through my head today (is this rocket science, I need to comb my hair, is it spiked...hahaha, dang it I need to get back to work), I found myself remembering a project that I did for my fifth grade science class. The teacher gave an assignment to take a twenty six words from the glossary, one word per letter, and illustrate or find a picture for each one. Then we were to bind it together into a book. We were allowed to make it as professional as we wanted. Take it to Kinkos or whatever, she even showed us a couple of examples. I wanted to do something along those lines, however I one of three children in a single parent household and we didn't have the extra money to throw at a book binding. At the time I didn't have a way to get picture of these things either so I had to figure a way around that also.
Upon looking around the house I found construction paper and crayons. I decided to rely on a skill that I had (though never nourished) and drew all of the images for the words that I chose. My mother, always helpful when it came to homework, decided that since we didn't have the rings to bind it we would instead use some brown shoe laces that she had. Now that I think about it, I have no idea where she got them. I can't remember a single pair of shoes that would warrant brown shoelaces, but I digress. I turned in my book along all of the professionally bound ones. I don't remember being ashamed of what I had. I do, however, remember being slightly unhappy with some of my drawings. But what was I going to do? *shrugs*
A few weeks or so later we got our graded books back. When the teacher got to me she took the time to squat down and tell me that she was extremely impressed by my creativity. She loved that I chose to draw images for all of the words and that I bound the book with shoelaces. She was actually at a lost for words to describe how she felt. I never thought that with all of the spirals that were turned in that mine would be the one that stood out in her head.
I love that my teacher saw an amazing, creative feat when all I was doing was getting by with the resources that were available to me. It's surprising what people notice sometimes.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
alright, alright I admit it
As a woman, the last thing that I want anyone to ask me when I am upset is, "is it that time of the month." That question is a warrant for sudden death for the asker.
It used to be anyway. Well, over the last week I have been off. I have little patience as is, but this past week everyone and everything has driven me up the wall without much provocation. My headaches were out of control (that I blamed on my caffeine withdrawal). Then there was the nausea...that was just strange, it doesn't happen often. Usually, after all is said and done I will reflect and admit that I was indeed PMSing. That, however, was never warrant for anyone to assume it just because I am able to admit it. But now I am finally allowing it. Hello, I am Mon'que and I PMS. I am now opening it up to people who know me enough to ask if I am in that time of the month. I am tired of going through it without anyone who could understand. I think that if I have someone, at least one person, to recognize what was happening it could help to ease the tension.
The only problem is that as a woman some things are just not going to make sense. Now, the thing is, that question, no matter how true it is is still a sticky subject. It has to be said the correct way to keep me from frying the person with my eyes. This is where my being a woman comes in. You see, I have no idea what the right way to ask the question is, I just know that the wrong way will not be accepted. It depends on so many things to make it happen and be alright. Things like: how much the person knows me, the tone of the question, the reason for asking...among other things. See, the woman of me.
Anywho, I have finally decided to stop hiding behind sexism and start facing the facts. When I PMS it throws me off. I need to come out and say it so that people will know and possibly back off.
It used to be anyway. Well, over the last week I have been off. I have little patience as is, but this past week everyone and everything has driven me up the wall without much provocation. My headaches were out of control (that I blamed on my caffeine withdrawal). Then there was the nausea...that was just strange, it doesn't happen often. Usually, after all is said and done I will reflect and admit that I was indeed PMSing. That, however, was never warrant for anyone to assume it just because I am able to admit it. But now I am finally allowing it. Hello, I am Mon'que and I PMS. I am now opening it up to people who know me enough to ask if I am in that time of the month. I am tired of going through it without anyone who could understand. I think that if I have someone, at least one person, to recognize what was happening it could help to ease the tension.
The only problem is that as a woman some things are just not going to make sense. Now, the thing is, that question, no matter how true it is is still a sticky subject. It has to be said the correct way to keep me from frying the person with my eyes. This is where my being a woman comes in. You see, I have no idea what the right way to ask the question is, I just know that the wrong way will not be accepted. It depends on so many things to make it happen and be alright. Things like: how much the person knows me, the tone of the question, the reason for asking...among other things. See, the woman of me.
Anywho, I have finally decided to stop hiding behind sexism and start facing the facts. When I PMS it throws me off. I need to come out and say it so that people will know and possibly back off.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
don't let it consume you
For the last year and a half I have been told over and over again not allow my money issues to consume me. I, however, didn't know any other way to go about it. I'm 20 years old and live in America where credit is everything. At the rate I am going I would be fortunate if someone allowed me to rent a cardboard box in the future. First I have to say exactly how everything got so screwy.
I went to school.
Funny how trying to better myself is the reason that I am screwed almost to the point of no return. I decided to continue in my education and in doing so I created a cluster fuck of debt and monetary responsibities that I cannot handle. I particularly love the way it all happened. I went to the University of Tulsa, finally ran out of money and had to look for more loans on top of the three that I already had out. I couldn't get one and was promptly kicked out of school.
It was because I had no money that I left school. I have no money. None. Of course the people have to be paid. I was home and left to my self-pity for three months before I received a threat that my balance was about to go into collections. Fantastic. Then I had all of the loan companies that had given me money to first go to school trying to get their money back. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I didn't see this coming. It was just really overwhelming and each time I got a letter letting me know exactly how much money I didn't have I was told to not let it get to me. At the time that didn't seem plausible. It was after all my credit on the line.
Things started to look up when, after three months of looking, I finally found a job. Then with a steady paycheck I was able to set up a payment plan with the school and give them an automatic $250 that came out of my account each month for a year. Nice right? Wrong. In all this greatness I got my own apartment and decided to pick up a few more bills. Meanwhile the loans that I left to themselves decided to at last come after me. I am about to single handedly default on three loans all at once. Then I had to think about the ending balance for the school. Yes, giving them $250 a month is fine and dandy but once the year is up they want the remainding balance in one lump sum payment. Which mean: another loan. I couldn't get a loan when I was at school with them and with recent events of both of my credit cards going into collections (both my fault, I am aware) and not being able to pay back the loans that I currently have out. I'll be fortunate if a friend loaned me a dollar cash from here on out. All of this and
I am not supposed to let it get to me? Yeah right.
To top it all off I got a letter yesterday telling my that I missed a payment for the TU. It comes out of my account automatically, how did I miss a payment? I thought the money was there. Upon checking my balance before and after the scheduled withdrawal there was a considerable amount taken out. Now, I have to call the bank. I got the letter telling me that they would try to get the amount on the 20th, yesterday, the day I got the letter. That gave me no time to prepare and I know that the money isn't in there now. Which means: a NSF charge. Fantastic. Funny though, when I read that letter it was the first time something about my money issues didn't make me almost cry. Maybe I am no longer letting it get to me. I just have to accept that my credit is screwed.
I went to school.
Funny how trying to better myself is the reason that I am screwed almost to the point of no return. I decided to continue in my education and in doing so I created a cluster fuck of debt and monetary responsibities that I cannot handle. I particularly love the way it all happened. I went to the University of Tulsa, finally ran out of money and had to look for more loans on top of the three that I already had out. I couldn't get one and was promptly kicked out of school.
It was because I had no money that I left school. I have no money. None. Of course the people have to be paid. I was home and left to my self-pity for three months before I received a threat that my balance was about to go into collections. Fantastic. Then I had all of the loan companies that had given me money to first go to school trying to get their money back. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I didn't see this coming. It was just really overwhelming and each time I got a letter letting me know exactly how much money I didn't have I was told to not let it get to me. At the time that didn't seem plausible. It was after all my credit on the line.
Things started to look up when, after three months of looking, I finally found a job. Then with a steady paycheck I was able to set up a payment plan with the school and give them an automatic $250 that came out of my account each month for a year. Nice right? Wrong. In all this greatness I got my own apartment and decided to pick up a few more bills. Meanwhile the loans that I left to themselves decided to at last come after me. I am about to single handedly default on three loans all at once. Then I had to think about the ending balance for the school. Yes, giving them $250 a month is fine and dandy but once the year is up they want the remainding balance in one lump sum payment. Which mean: another loan. I couldn't get a loan when I was at school with them and with recent events of both of my credit cards going into collections (both my fault, I am aware) and not being able to pay back the loans that I currently have out. I'll be fortunate if a friend loaned me a dollar cash from here on out. All of this and
I am not supposed to let it get to me? Yeah right.
To top it all off I got a letter yesterday telling my that I missed a payment for the TU. It comes out of my account automatically, how did I miss a payment? I thought the money was there. Upon checking my balance before and after the scheduled withdrawal there was a considerable amount taken out. Now, I have to call the bank. I got the letter telling me that they would try to get the amount on the 20th, yesterday, the day I got the letter. That gave me no time to prepare and I know that the money isn't in there now. Which means: a NSF charge. Fantastic. Funny though, when I read that letter it was the first time something about my money issues didn't make me almost cry. Maybe I am no longer letting it get to me. I just have to accept that my credit is screwed.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Addictive Personality
I find that I have a serious issue with addictions. If it isn't to my friends or the internet then it's to people who I will possibly never get the chance to meet. I consider my addiction a response to me just being plain lonely at times. It is going to look bad, but I mean, it's not that bad. I mean I'm not stalking anyone...unless internet stalking counts. If it does, fair enough, but first you must tell me what the heck actually is internet stalking. But I digress.
I went through a phase where I was needing to be distracted by something...anything. I couldn't face my thoughts because I was dealing with the latest bout of depression. I've gone from hitting the caffeine to popping headache meds in order to get through my caffeine withdrawal.
Anywho, the first was 
the Jonas Brothers. I fell in love with their song "When You Look Me in the Eyes." I was hooked on them. I couldn't even find a reason. I just wanted to figure out a way to get to know them. But they didn't cause as much issue as the later obsessions. I listened to their music, bought the CDs and did a little internet looking to find some extra info about them. Only a little. I just enjoyed them. They fascinated me...and I thought Kevin was cute. Alright, alright, I gushed over them. Did what every other teenage girl did and got flutters when I thought about them.
the Jonas Brothers. I fell in love with their song "When You Look Me in the Eyes." I was hooked on them. I couldn't even find a reason. I just wanted to figure out a way to get to know them. But they didn't cause as much issue as the later obsessions. I listened to their music, bought the CDs and did a little internet looking to find some extra info about them. Only a little. I just enjoyed them. They fascinated me...and I thought Kevin was cute. Alright, alright, I gushed over them. Did what every other teenage girl did and got flutters when I thought about them. But it passed, thank the Heavens.
While the Jonas's did cost me a little bit of my dignity because of the lack of control I felt concerning them, that addiction pales in comparison to my addiction/obsession with *sigh* the Harry Potter cast. They snuck up on me and before I knew it I wa
s all about them. I have no idea how it happened. I remember only wanting to watch the Harry Potter movies. Then I was suddenly really fascinated in Alan Rickman's character choices. The man is amazing. (Matthew Lewis thinks so too.) Since I am a fan of ginger-heads I had a major crush in the Phelps Twins.
They are amazingly beautiful men. (I do know that they are in fact not ginger-heads at all.) I found that I like them a lot better when they are natural with their brown hair. (Which is so dark brown that I thought it was dyed.) Once I started looking for interviews of theirs, I
stumbled across one with the James and Oliver, Katie Leung, and Matthew Lewis (the breath-takingly gorgeous Matthew Lewis). From there everything Ping Ponged. In looking up an interview for one person I find an dual interview and from there I start looking up another person. It spiralled out of control until I finally found myself indulging in interviews with Emma Watson, Rupert Grint (an actual ginger-haired stud...you can believe I'm crushing on him hard), and Daniel Radcliffe. Naturally the supporting actors and actresses don't have as many video interviews. This thing has bit me hard. I felt like I was in love. I would go to work then suddenly find myself smiling at something said in an interview. This happened a lot. I was constantly thinking about them as if they were people that were in my face, people that I dealt with on a personal level. I looked them up on the net during my lunch. I had them on the brain at all times. I even ended up analyzing them. I found that I can only watch interviews with Rupert Grint if they are asking him legitimate acting questions. Otherwise he averages about three "I don't knows" a question. Then the interviewers start to get snippy with him and it makes me angry. Daniel is extremely funny and very witty. I, however, am a huge fan on Matthew's wit and *gushes* I can't get enough. I enjoy the way he dodges questions that could get him in trouble if answered the wrong way. I watch some of his interviews two or three times over and still laugh just as hard. I love Emma Watson's grace in the way that she politely ignores stupid questions. I even enjoy that Oliver Phelps is soft-spoken at times. I hate how some people make them [the Phelps Twins] perform as if it is their divine right to get a private show. Being the kind men they are they just politely comply. It bugs me that they are put in that awkward situation.
But Rupert
. I enjoy him. He doesn't have the answers to stupid questions automatically on tap in his mind (to questions like "if you could invent a plavor of ice cream what would it be?). I love it because at the same time he isn't going to go straight for the answer that you want to hear. How many actors are brave enough to do that? Not many, they are afraid of losing their fan base. (A genuine fear to have, I know.) He is in one of my favorite movies. Well actually he is in six (and counting) of my favorite movies, but Driving Lessons is freaking brilliant. Julie Walters and Laura Linney are amazing. I am hoping to figure out a way to see Cherry Bomb when it comes out.
. I enjoy him. He doesn't have the answers to stupid questions automatically on tap in his mind (to questions like "if you could invent a plavor of ice cream what would it be?). I love it because at the same time he isn't going to go straight for the answer that you want to hear. How many actors are brave enough to do that? Not many, they are afraid of losing their fan base. (A genuine fear to have, I know.) He is in one of my favorite movies. Well actually he is in six (and counting) of my favorite movies, but Driving Lessons is freaking brilliant. Julie Walters and Laura Linney are amazing. I am hoping to figure out a way to see Cherry Bomb when it comes out.I have never before followed a actor, singer, movie, or even a song this closely. I used to just stumble across it whenever I stumbled across it. Now I'm looking ahead to the when they happen. How did I get like this? One crush on two guys and now I can't get over any of them. Heck. In this long entry alone I didn't even mention the others. That ping pong bounce around them that landed me to Daniel has a lot more steps then I let on. It went something like this:
- look up interviews for the Phelps twins, found interview with them, Katie Leung and Matthew Lewis, another with them and Matthew Lewis
- look up interview with Matt Lewis, found one w/ her and Katie Leung
- look up Katie Leung, found some interviews
- look up Tom Felton, only found the interview with the Slytherins
- looked more for him, found two maybe three others, got annoyed
- looked up Alan Rickman, got a few interviews
- looked up Imelda Staunton, didn't stay on her for long
- looked up Bonnie Wright...moved on quickly (no offense)
- looked up Gary Oldman, found interview with him and David Thewlis
- looked up David Thewlis, found out he wrote a book
- revisited some searches of Lewis, Phelps, and Felton
- looked up Jason Isaacs, found a good one
- looked up interviews of Emma Watson, on the Rupert Grint, and finally Daniel Radcliffe
- listened to a couple Watson interviews
- got annoyed with Grint interviews
- got into Radcliffe interviews
- looked up Radcliffe interviews about December Boys and Equus
- revisited old searches of others
- looked up Grint interviews about Driving Lessons
- stumbled across a press conference
- looked up Harry Potter press conferences
- and so and so forth
I am sure that there are a few steps that I missed. This was a process that took me three weeks to go through. I lost sleep over this...a lot of sleep. I was consumed by it. It was all I wanted to do. It was the first thing that I did when I got home at night. I think I can breathe now,that the worst has passed. Of course not before I bought Driving Lessons, Ballet Shoes and December Boys. No one knows the extent of what this was to me...and they probably never will.
So that's it
He loves me after five hours and refuses to let me go by the time we are done with the night. He was all for making me see how we could love each other. Right.
These are the reasons that I was uncomfortable with our pending relationship. And he didn't end. Kept professing his love, and his wanting me to have his children. So I decided that this wouldn't work. I decided to not wait any longer but to phone him and let him know. However, when I tried to talk to him he doesn't want to listen. Just gives up. Yeah, never gonna let me know, my ass. I knew he was full of shit.
His faults:
- he doesn't respect my "no" (if you can't stop when I ask/tell you too then I can't trust you)
- he's aggressive (first day meeting, you love me? want to get married? have children? what the hell?)
- he thinks that all guys who befriend females are trying to have sex with them, and if not are gay (granted this may be true for some but definitely not all. he called my best friend of ten years, who is a male, gay--major fuck up)
- he thinks very highly of himself and has no problem letting me know...over and over and over again (sometime you have to be still and let your light show. translation: stop telling me how good you are and just show me. I'm not a total bitch, I want you to be confident, just not full of yourself)
- even though I ask for time to get used to a possible relationship between us he still wants to force on the physical affection. basically he was trying to have sex with me (in what I think he thought was a subtle way)
- he wants to have children, correction: he wants me to have his children...enough said (maybe not if you not know me. basically, I don't)
These are the reasons that I was uncomfortable with our pending relationship. And he didn't end. Kept professing his love, and his wanting me to have his children. So I decided that this wouldn't work. I decided to not wait any longer but to phone him and let him know. However, when I tried to talk to him he doesn't want to listen. Just gives up. Yeah, never gonna let me know, my ass. I knew he was full of shit.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
what the hell happened to preliminaries?
Since when was it alright to say your name and then immediately start kissing on a girl. I will allow my own fault to come forward with this...I didn't show how serious I was about his not touching me. But I mean really?
Do I walk around with a permenant Come Fuck Me sign?
Whatever happened to the dating scene? What the hell happened to allowing us time to get used to each other? Someone please tell me what happened to letting a girl get comfortable with you before you have your hands all over her ass?!? Why can't I find a single sane male that isn't all for jumping my bones within the first two seconds of knowing me?!?!? I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!
Screw it, screw it all. Apparently all it wants is to screw me. Fuck the dating scene, it doesn't want me on it anyway. Fuck these cheesy ass men who refuse to see me as more than a piece of ass. You ain't gonna get it, so you can kiss my ass!!! Make sure you bring the chapstick because I want no crusty lips on my backside.
**I never thought that of all the relationship issues that I could face, this one would be the zinger.
***My debut and I'm already turning it melo. *sigh*
Do I walk around with a permenant Come Fuck Me sign?
Whatever happened to the dating scene? What the hell happened to allowing us time to get used to each other? Someone please tell me what happened to letting a girl get comfortable with you before you have your hands all over her ass?!? Why can't I find a single sane male that isn't all for jumping my bones within the first two seconds of knowing me?!?!? I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!
Screw it, screw it all. Apparently all it wants is to screw me. Fuck the dating scene, it doesn't want me on it anyway. Fuck these cheesy ass men who refuse to see me as more than a piece of ass. You ain't gonna get it, so you can kiss my ass!!! Make sure you bring the chapstick because I want no crusty lips on my backside.
**I never thought that of all the relationship issues that I could face, this one would be the zinger.
***My debut and I'm already turning it melo. *sigh*
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