I don't want it!

Beware the reputations you build for yourself. My co-workers have it in their heads that I am a guzzler. It may be my past actions that put that there. Who knows. I cannot go out with them without hearing the disbelief if I say I'm not drinking. It's become a bit exasperating. Tonight was such an occasion.

I made a decision to limit my alcohol intake. I did a bit too much the night before and didn't want to push my luck. I set a limit that was reenforced by the sick feeling I kept encountering when an alcoholic beverage was sat in front of me. It seemed as though every time I declined a drink people bemoaned the old days when people were more fun and more drunk. It didn't change my mind. I still put a stop to my drinking unless it was a soda or water.

It's ridiculous that I allow myself to be peer pressured. Tonight was an exception. Usually when people get to moaning about my lack of drinking, I start drinking. It doesn't usually end well. Tonight was different. I managed to make it stick. I don't want the drink. I don't care if you cry, I don't want it!

Fog

I am navigating my day through a haze of hormones. It sucks. I can't seem to make a rational decision. Everything is the end of the world. I want a large glass of wine and time to not talk to other human beings. I know that humans are naturally social creatures. I know that insanity awaits those who can't talk and be with other humans.

Sometimes though, I feel like all I need is a little solitary confinement.

Crappy moods and crappier days

Another day going by with my whining about how I can't seem to get out of my bad mood. I wish I had access to better music while I worked. Listening to the same eight elevator songs everyday really weighs on me.

Yesterday was a day of nothing happening. I stayed in bed all day. I think I only got up four times. Twice to use the bathroom and twice to get something to eat. The remainder of my day was spent laying in and watch videos. I had laundry to do, trash to take out, and a room to clean but none of that made it on my to do list. Yet, even with lazing around all day it still felt like the day ended too soon. Going to work today was difficult.

What I get for waiting to eat.

I'm hungry. I've been sitting here for a while too enthralled in what I'm watching to get up and eat. Meanwhile time has gotten away from me. It's far too late for me to be considering food. Yet, I am so ready to eat whatever. Thoughts of many different meals have gone through my head. Between watching videos and wanting to be a loner, I have managed to skip dinner. I want everything now.

I contemplated ordering pizza. Fortunately I was too lazy too look up and deals. Besides I am thinking of ordering pizza tomorrow where I can eat it all day. I knew that I would order two pizzas, even though it's excessive. I managed to talk myself out of it tonight because I didn't want the discomfort of lying on an overstuffed stomach. Admitted overeater.

I wanted Chinese. Someone in one the videos I was watching was eating Thai food that looked like lo mein. That just so happens to be my favorite. Due to having Chinese for lunch plus believing that the place I want Chinese from is closed I was able to nix that option as well.

I considered a burger, Chipotle, Taco Bell and Ramen. None of these has inspired me to get up. I'm still hungry. I'm thinking that I'll probably just settle for Ramen. That or go to bed and deal with it all tomorrow.

Music is my drug

I get paid and what do I do? Buy music. And I mean Buy. Music. I went to a store that had a buy two get one free sale. That called for me getting six albums that I did not need. Then I went on to buy all of the music on my iTunes wishlist plus a few other things that I'd been wanting. Then there is the constant budgeting that I have been doing lately to get to concerts

Oh man. The concerts.

I've been saying for months that I have an itch to experience live music. My latest obsession of live music that has a slow and lasting burn. I've decided to keep feeding it. I have tickets to two concerts already bought. There are plans of attending a third low-key concert where I can't buy the tickets in advance. Yet I'm not done. I still have a fourth whose poor timing I was bemoaning. It was hours of my whining about having plans that I cannot change before I looked at the ticketmaster.com event list and found that I got the dates of two concerts switched. The one I wanted to go to is an open date on my calendar. Now I am sitting here trying to consider whether of not I should work this concert into my bill matrix.

I am in between wanting more social events and needing more alone time. I keep scheduling more events in order to keep up with my project to experience my city. I know I need to work in alone time because if I don't get it, well... I'll just be living in shambles. My room is such a mess already, but I least I have new music to serenade me in dreamland.

Why be normal? Because I need it.

I want a day to sleep in and focus on home. Correction: I want/need two days. One to sleep in and one to focus on home. These things cannot happen for me. I am really bad focusing on my home life when there is anything else happening. I stated last time that I feel drained because I am doing a lot of socializing. I'm finding that if I'm drained I don't have any desire to maintain a tidy room.

Cue the destroyed room. I tried to motivate myself to get around to laundry, but the moment I went to sort my clothes something came up. Now I have two piles of partially sorted clothes on my floor. Not to mention the clothing that piles up when laundry time nears. I also forget to take out my trash like I should. Thank goodness I don't usually place perishables in my bedroom trash. Things need to be stored, clothing needs to be watched, I need to remake my bed... just in general I need to sort out my home life.

Right now though I plan on finally taking myself to bed. I'm realizing that that has been my main sign off for the last few days. I should sleep like a normal person.

Should sleep, don't sleep

I fell into a YouTube hole and almost forget my responsibilities to this page. Since I've been doing a lot of not sleeping when I should, conching out when I shouldn't and further jacking up my sleep schedule, it's been interesting how my mood has been fluctuating. I spent the day in such a funk that I couldn't staple a smile to my face and have it stick. I was told that my usual spunk wasn't present. Once we were finally dismissed for the day I was the first one out of the building, into my car and out of the parking lot. Everyone else be damned.

The thing is, I don't think I had a particularly bad day. I mean my pants did split up the inseam in the morning, but that wasn't enough for me to completely feel the day was lost. In the end I just need to admit to it being sleep deprivation. I get up early. I run all day. Yet I don't have the decency to come home and go to bed at a respectable time in order to prepare myself for what's to come. I'm doing it again now. This habit of not turning in like a smart person has kick started my coffee drinking habits again.

I feel like I need a day in bed to get sorted. I'm on the fence about my ability to socialize the way I want. As I've mentioned, I feel like I need to do more things. I don't know what I'm waiting for when it comes to living my life. Between working my jobs and deciding to go out of town and hang out with friends though, I am feeling pretty beat. Of course that doesn't stop me from getting sidetracked and looking up whether or not Tina Turner repaid the Ramada Inn manager for giving her a room when she left Ike. Oh man, I need to go to bed.

She's getting married

I am freaking out a little bit. My best friend is getting married. For some reason I keep thinking we have more time before her big day. There are many reminders of just how little time is left. Today was the day we celebrated her final days of being single. It was very tame. Less alcohol and strippers, more hot dogs and baseball. A great night. Our team lost but that didn't stop me from eating, dancing and root root rooting for the home team.

She's getting married in three weeks. It's more daunting to me than her. I'm excited but there are a few loose ends that I need to tie before she ties the knot. Either way, bring on the nuptials.

Don't overuse, don't underuse

Yesterday consisted of me being in a crappy mood all day and not knowing what to do about it. I am feeling rather uncomfortable with certain things in my life. I was walking around feeling like I was looking at the world through a fog. It was not conducive to having a productive day. On my way home I weighed my options about how to unwind once I got home. I considered a glass of wine, but then I remembered what I friend said.

"Food is the most overused anxiety drug. Exercise is the most underused anti-depressant."

My mood has been in a bad place for at least two weeks. Things did seem to be improving. My day was ending and all I wanted was to go home, crawl in bed and forget that there are things in the world that needed to be cared about. I decided against doing that. Since I'm more than squishy, I behoove me to commit to working out more. Plus knowing that I'm not in a good place mentally, it can only get better if I get up and move around. I chose the walk over the glass of wine. It helped, rendering me in a way better mood today.

I need to start living by two models: 1. exercise. 2. get sleep.

As for number 2, don't mind if I do.

Don't feed the trolls

I feel as though lately I only ever want to sigh when I venture into the YouTube comments. There are some communities that seem to still have respect for their content creator. They gather around the video to uplift and support. There are communities that seem to converge for the love of a good laugh. Sure there are some idiots in the mix, but it is so insignificant that we can ignoring it is easy. Unfortunately, there seems to be a change happening in some of the online communities. Trolls are trolling. They are trolling and it is pissing me off.

I know better than to feed the trolls. When a person says something for the simple pleasure of causing a commotion it's only silly to respond. No matter what, the response doesn't change anything. It just gives the brouhaha that the comment was there to trigger. Feeding into the attention seeking tactics positively reinforces the behavior. One must remember that starving trolls go away. Don't feed the trolls. I hate it that a couple of my communities I feel passionate about seem to be under attack from troll armies. These armies are coming out in droves. Hateful things are being said, feelings are being hurt, and once again people are forgetting that they are talking to other humans.

There also seems to be an unhealthy sense of entitlement. I constantly want to scream at people that no one owes them anything. I want to scream that things should be appreciated as given. I want to make it understood that while we get what feels like a full story, we still only get what the creator chooses to give. Which could it say nothing to whatever else there may be. I want people to pull their heads out of their butts and see that they aren't that important. However, before I go on a rant about the insignificance on others, I must note that I too am insignificant. It irks me that the sense of entitlement is getting in the way of understanding our fellow humans. People are thinking that just because someone shares a little, that it's a right to demand whatever else we choose.

I hate the cloak that people can hide behind on YouTube. I want trolls to find other hobbies. I wish there was a way to show them a solution to their sad and insignificant lives. As a person who is far too sensitive to the things people do to belittle others, I get too emotional. It makes me angry to see people I care about (even those I don't know personally) getting so much hate. I am far too close to the situation and want to search and destroy when it happens. However commenting back doesn't change the person who made the comment. Feeding the trolls never works. I constantly have to remind myself to ignore them. Don't feed the trolls.

Road trip: Tulsa

My trip to Tulsa came and went. I feel like it ended too soon. Unfortunately I thought there would be internet access where I was. To be fair I didn't try all that hard to get to the internet. I could have tried a Starbucks but that would have taken me away from the sight-seeing that I was determined to do. I digress.

My friend opened her home to me. I in return drug her out of bed and forced her to entertain me with her city. Forget the fact that I lived in that town for a year in a half. We ended up doing things that we had spoke of doing all of those years ago. It was fun. I got to take some pretty awesome pictures. Going to the museum was a particularly beautiful day.

The grotto behind the museum.

I looked up and saw the house through the trees and thought I should remember that.

The back of the museum over the Mirror pond.

Another view of the museum from the Tempietto.

 On the way home I decided that since I didn't have a to get home at any specific time that I'd stop and see what this Scenic Rest Stop was all about. It was really pretty. Again I'm rather stoked that I did. It was well, here...

Now I understand why it's a Scenic Rest Stop.

Then there's me since I get fussed at for not turning the camera on myself.

Not meant to live like this.

So guess who's going crazy in her current living situation? I'll give you no guesses and just tell you it's me. I'm going nuts. Every once in while it hits me that I don't like the fact that all of my stuff seems to always be climbing the walls of my living space. I can hear it now, "get rid of some things." Before I state the expected "it's not that easy," (expected because I've inherited a pack rat gene) I'll explain some of my situation. Or all of it.

Now before I go into too much detail let me state that I am very pleased to have this opportunity to live with the family that has graciously opened their home to me. They have given me a break and I feel I'll never be able to repay them. In fact I feel like I've only really given them reason to regret letting me live here, but I digress. To say I like to be prepared is an understatement. My duffel bag purse is full of things that I don't necessarily need ever day, but might need. That goes for my living space as well.

I used to have an entire one bedroom apartment to myself. That was four rooms that I had places to put things. My kitchen held my dishes and what nots. My bathroom held cleaning supplies and medication. My bedroom was for my clothing and linens. My living room had my media and business items (i.e. computer, television, work tools). You wouldn't know this from the disarray that rules my life most of the time, but I like for things to have a place where they belong. I alphabetize my DVDs and CDs. There is somewhat of a pattern to my books, although it may be a loose pattern. I'm one of those who likes the silverware divider as opposed to dumping it all into the drawer. I had this going for me when I lived alone. For the most part, again I am not the neatest person.

Over the last five years my living situation has changed. I went from living by myself to living with my mother to share the burden of the bills. I'm a very "what's mine is mine" kind of person, so part of my ability to live completely across the place I called home started to diminish there. Instead of having my stuff all over the place they collected mostly in my room and certain spots in the kitchen. Then when I made another move to further my ability to save I went from sharing half of an apartment to living in a bedroom. I live in the bedroom with the expectation that it will not last forever. I have things that will help with the transition of living alone again.

I live in my bedroom with enough items to furnish two other living spaces. Tubs under my bed store things that could be stored in a bathroom. Nooks and crannies have my dishes and groceries. I mostly just miss having a kitchen. I have free range of the kitchen where I live, I just miss having MY kitchen. Dishes stacked up corners and my mug collection still packed in boxes has me feeling a little stir crazy. It's just that the way that I'm living has me feeling like the walls are closing in on me. To give up the stuff that I'm not using makes me feel as though I'm settling to mooch off my landlords forever. I've backed myself into a financial whole that I feel keeps me reliant on their hospitality. I'm fortunate that they have so much for me. I wish I didn't need it so much.

Cranky

Today I went to work wondering why I was extra cranky. I thought I had a good night's sleep. I wasn't hungry or hangry, as someone I know says it. I didn't have any reason, that I could think of, to make me refuse to want to interact with people. Or so I thought.

My day wasn't that difficult. I did my job, and had slightly decent results. The day ended eventually and home I came. On the way I was starting to feel the truth behind my crabbiness. I was so sleepy. No one could get out of my way fast enough. I just wanted to get home and stop having to think.

I came home thinking I would just get off my feet for a bit. I didn't really want to deal with anything, but I was hungry. I remember wondering when I was going to get up and get something to eat. Apparently that was all she wrote. I fell asleep and slept well. I woke up four hours later thinking it was early in the next morning. It isn't.

Now I need to not stay up all hours into the night because I have to get up early. My sleep patterns are so jacked up.

Mayfest

I decided to do a sort of test run for my conduct at Warped Tour. (What? I'm talking about it again? Yes. Get used to it. I'll be talking about it up until it happens and, I'm sure, long afterwards.) I went to a festival called Mayfest. It's held in a park. They set up rides and booths for vendors. They sell food and best of all, the reason I went, they had live music. On four stages set up across the park they had bands rotating throughout the day. While two of the stages had dance and fitness going on, there wasn't an absence of something to see or do.

I wanted to see the dance, but ended up getting there too late. I caught the tale in of a young lady showing what she had learned in her latin dance class. Not exactly what I was looking for. I walked along the river and enjoyed the incredible breeze. On the sports stage I was reminded me that I really should take a Zumba class. Then on the Arts stage there was a band that had a really cool sound

I didn't ride any of the rides but I was a spectator to a lot of things. My favorite thing to watch was the mechanical bull. I don't know what was funnier. Watching people bite it or watching the satisfaction in the operators face when he successfully knocked someone off. There was a long line of children when I started watching. I ended up waiting around to see if I could watch an adult eat it. Evil? No one watches people ride those not hoping for a funny ending. There were times when after a person fell of the operator did a little 1, 2 fist pump in celebration. He definitely has a dark side and was expressing it through his job.

I finished the night parking myself in front of a stage and allowing a band to serenade me with jazz and blues. While I was watching a little girl who couldn't have been older than two got up and danced away the night. To say she was adorable is to state the obvious. Since the sun had set, people started recording her with their camera spotlights on. She always gravitated to the light and danced in front of it. She is definitely a little performer in the making. Someone, after recording her for a bit, finally picked her up and danced with her for a few bars before setting her down in front of her mother. Even in the void where my tolerance for children should be, I had to admit it was something to see.

It was a good night. I'm glad that I didn't talk myself out of going. When it was after 4, and I was still staring at the four walls of my bedroom, I almost convinced myself to just stay at home. Once again I didn't chicken out. Bring on Warped Tour!

Bring on a summer of music

So I managed to not chicken out. The last time I wanted to go to a concert I kept putting off purchasing the ticket even when I had the funds. When I finally got around to buying the ticket, the event was sold out. I was bummed but not really surprised that I allowed the opportunity to pass.

I refuse to allow a repeat performance on my part. Last time I spoke of it I had decided that I'd be stupid to allow someone I cared about to come through my town without going to see them. I made a definitive decision to buy the tickets to Warped Tour the moment I got paid, right after my bills were paid. I bought my ticket yesterday. Now I have to see if those coming with me will get their tickets or not. Either way I'm going. Whether it's alone of not, I don't care. I am going to Warped Tour. I'm so stoked. I randomly burst into a happy dance when I think about it.