Six years of a troubled mind

I say. There is a slight danger in writing down your life events as they happen to you. Apparently no amount of time and growth can truly disconnect you from the fear, shame and hopelessness you have once felt. Even when time dulls the pain, of it can still make you sick to your stomach. Or at least it can for me.

I've made it my mission to finally finish up my current journal. Due to irregular entry schedules and the size of the book, I've been writing in it for six years. With coming to an end I feel compelled to peruse some of the earlier entries. This book started in some of the darkest times of my life so far. All the evidence I'd ever need to display how truly lost I was and, to an extent, still am is there. The lowest of my lows. My terrible decisions that I wrote down as a way of relieving my mind. All of it is there.

I know that it felt right when I wrote it. I know that it isn't a over-exaggeration of my feelings. Reading it back now scares me a bit. While I didn't do any self-harm, I still wish that someone had seen this and helped. Obviously I got through and am not doing so badly anymore.

It just upsets me that I can read it back and still feel so small.

When I finish this journal I'll keep it where I can find it. I know that there is only up from where I was. If I ever need reminding I can simply ask myself if things are as bad as that journal.

For tonight.

I've decided to fill the whole in my chest with drink.

A foolish thing to say but it keeps the longing at bay. Right this moment I can't get out of the hole I've fallen into. This night does not offer any solutions to my problems. Waking up tomorrow with the fresh take on life will be the best time for me to tackle the shame, regret, disgust, fear, and sadness.

That is tomorrow. I still have to contend with tonight.

I will leave the longing in the bottom of the glass. I will send a flame through it and remind myself that I can feel something other than emptiness.

Tonight I want to be less aware.

Tonight I want to be more subdued. For one night I want to wrap myself up in something that isn't my own worry and fear. I want to forget the contemplation and manage the impossible of feeling less yet experiencing more.

I want to tell myself I am not alone and believe it with a ferocity that destroys even the beginning embers of doubt.

And tonight, even if only for tonight, I will have this. I will climb out of my hole in which I have fallen. I will fill my emptiness and I will quell the longing. I will give into silencing it for a night even if it will only come back more unassailable tomorrow.

Tonight my weakness wins.

You will find me racing to the bottom of the glass.