For tonight.

I've decided to fill the whole in my chest with drink.

A foolish thing to say but it keeps the longing at bay. Right this moment I can't get out of the hole I've fallen into. This night does not offer any solutions to my problems. Waking up tomorrow with the fresh take on life will be the best time for me to tackle the shame, regret, disgust, fear, and sadness.

That is tomorrow. I still have to contend with tonight.

I will leave the longing in the bottom of the glass. I will send a flame through it and remind myself that I can feel something other than emptiness.

Tonight I want to be less aware.

Tonight I want to be more subdued. For one night I want to wrap myself up in something that isn't my own worry and fear. I want to forget the contemplation and manage the impossible of feeling less yet experiencing more.

I want to tell myself I am not alone and believe it with a ferocity that destroys even the beginning embers of doubt.

And tonight, even if only for tonight, I will have this. I will climb out of my hole in which I have fallen. I will fill my emptiness and I will quell the longing. I will give into silencing it for a night even if it will only come back more unassailable tomorrow.

Tonight my weakness wins.

You will find me racing to the bottom of the glass.