Live music.
It's the reason I have no problem calling myself a music junkie. Tonight I experienced a live set. Four guys. Six instruments. Melodies that constantly surprised. I felt electrified. I believe it's gotten to the point that I can admit to having a passion for live music. I hesitate to do so because I go to so few live shows. After seeing a band live at the beginning of last year I have a newfound appreciation for an artist that can deliver a live performance.
I used to think I preferred what I called studio artists. I was a fan of so many musicians whose live performances weren't up to par with what they could do in a recording studio. I've since been relinquished of that belief. My new passion for live music causes me to look at the artist with a new perspective. Instead of just appreciating them at the superficial value donned on them by a highly paid team of marketers, I find that I am constantly looking for the actual ability. It has pushed me into new genres and down roads to new sounds.
I find music to be this incredible way to express oneself. Listening to someone's very personal emotions is one thing. Half of the time it is just a catchy tune whose true meaning is nowhere near being grasped. What intrigues me about live music is that it breaks down that wall between conjecture and knowledge. It allows me, the listener, to see the passion beneath. The emotion that powers the song is poured forth for me to explore. It also helps form a stronger bond to the music to be able to watch the artist play. Watching musicians when the fall into their passion is one of my great joys. All in all it makes for an incredible experience that keeps my passion for music, live or recorded, burning.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Bring it on, March
Apparently I need to reign in my cravings for the sake of others as well. I have this terrible habit of verbally stating what it is I'm in the mood for and forcing the people around me to reconsider their food choices. I've done so to at least three of my co-workers in the last week.
As March rolls in, so does my need to start cooking. I need to prepare meals that I can take to work as leftover lunches. I'm thinking I will start with the meatlovers casserole. I'm a little bit excited about it. I was supposed to use my goals last year to turn me into a person that ate out less and cooked more. It didn't work. I can, as previously noted, eat out everyday if my budget allowed. My budget doesn't allow.
Since, I apparently have commitment issues to things in a large scale. Things, not people. I'm going to turn my goals for this year into small bite size portions. Starting with March. I want to cook more starting March. Stop eating out unless it's social. I'm not talking calling up my friends every night and asking if they want to try the new Asian fusion spot in town. No. I have to wait for them to make the plans and then invite me. It makes me a bad friend, but for it I'm known. I don't typically make plans (maybe I'd see them more if I did). Anywho, my goal is to at least cook four meals. I can eat off of leftovers for a week. Cooking daily isn't a viable goal for me. I like to cook a big meal once a week and eat the leftovers.
Let's see if I decide to succeed or fail at epic proportions. The first meal is already decided. Four meals? Come on. Not hard at all.
As March rolls in, so does my need to start cooking. I need to prepare meals that I can take to work as leftover lunches. I'm thinking I will start with the meatlovers casserole. I'm a little bit excited about it. I was supposed to use my goals last year to turn me into a person that ate out less and cooked more. It didn't work. I can, as previously noted, eat out everyday if my budget allowed. My budget doesn't allow.
Since, I apparently have commitment issues to things in a large scale. Things, not people. I'm going to turn my goals for this year into small bite size portions. Starting with March. I want to cook more starting March. Stop eating out unless it's social. I'm not talking calling up my friends every night and asking if they want to try the new Asian fusion spot in town. No. I have to wait for them to make the plans and then invite me. It makes me a bad friend, but for it I'm known. I don't typically make plans (maybe I'd see them more if I did). Anywho, my goal is to at least cook four meals. I can eat off of leftovers for a week. Cooking daily isn't a viable goal for me. I like to cook a big meal once a week and eat the leftovers.
Let's see if I decide to succeed or fail at epic proportions. The first meal is already decided. Four meals? Come on. Not hard at all.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Terrible movie goer
I'm that person. You may not want to venture into a movie behind me, or maybe have the theater's front desk on speed dial. While, in my defense, I try to keep it to a reasonable volume, I am guilty. I talk through movies. I'm worse when I'm with someone. Even when I manage to shut up the person I'm with wants to have a conversation. I am usually conscious of my surroundings when it comes to acting a certain way. I know how to pick my audience. Being aware that most people don't want my commentary on the movie they paid to watch (what? no way), I at least keep my volume down. It doesn't make it acceptable. It is still enough to annoy those around me.
An idea as to how bad I am. I verbalize not only my opinions about the goings on but also my thought processes. I laugh at inappropriate moments. I sigh and scoff when I don't agree with what is going on onscreen. I'm terrible. It's the reason I choose to go to the movies first thing in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday. Usually like a week and a half after the movie premieres. It's probably also why I never say anything when others are being obnoxious around me. I like to make it as likely as possible that if there is someone else in the theater there are so few of us that we can put as much space in between us that we can't hear if the other is rude.
I will just apologize. I apologize for being a person who sometimes gets into the social part of movie watching. I apologize for forgetting that people don't want to hear me process the movie. I apologize for not being mindful of those around me. I admit to being a bad movie goer. I will try to be better.
An idea as to how bad I am. I verbalize not only my opinions about the goings on but also my thought processes. I laugh at inappropriate moments. I sigh and scoff when I don't agree with what is going on onscreen. I'm terrible. It's the reason I choose to go to the movies first thing in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday. Usually like a week and a half after the movie premieres. It's probably also why I never say anything when others are being obnoxious around me. I like to make it as likely as possible that if there is someone else in the theater there are so few of us that we can put as much space in between us that we can't hear if the other is rude.
I will just apologize. I apologize for being a person who sometimes gets into the social part of movie watching. I apologize for forgetting that people don't want to hear me process the movie. I apologize for not being mindful of those around me. I admit to being a bad movie goer. I will try to be better.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Blunt? Am I really?
I've been told multiple times that I am a blunt person. Apparently I have no qualms about allowing to cross my lips whatever crosses my mind. Suddenly it occurs to me that there is no way for anyone to make that call about anyone other than themself.
Why is that?
As an outsider I have no idea what is actually going on in anyone's mind but my own. The same is true regarding me. People refuse to believe that I actually have a very efficient filter. Not everything that crosses my mind is something I believe wise to share. At the same time I have a reputation for saying outlandish things. Most of the time when I talk I'm looking for the comment that has a shock factor. I want to say something that will stun people. I don't think it is wise to assume we know everything about a person.
For everything I choose to say there could be at least ten things I chose not to say. I feel like that is something that everyone should keep in mind.
Why is that?
As an outsider I have no idea what is actually going on in anyone's mind but my own. The same is true regarding me. People refuse to believe that I actually have a very efficient filter. Not everything that crosses my mind is something I believe wise to share. At the same time I have a reputation for saying outlandish things. Most of the time when I talk I'm looking for the comment that has a shock factor. I want to say something that will stun people. I don't think it is wise to assume we know everything about a person.
For everything I choose to say there could be at least ten things I chose not to say. I feel like that is something that everyone should keep in mind.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Put that food in my face
I want to eat everything all of the time. It's ridiculous. I don't seem to ever get tired of things. I decide that I'm hungry and am apparently in the mood for just about everything. There is rarely any rhyme or reason. I told one of my co-workers that if I was rich I would spend my fortune at McDonald's because I'd eat there every day. I just never tire of the menu. It isn't just McDonald's though. I'm hungry now and can/am about to list all of the things I can eat. I'll also note the reason that it's preposterous that I would want this item.
The only reason I ever wanted to go on a diet pill was for the promise of curving my appetite. It does bother me that I am hungry all of the time. I tend to overeat. Hell, I surprise myself sometimes with how much I can eat. Today is a prime example, but I digress.
I want pizza right now. I've had pizza twice in the last week. Which doesn't stop me from wanting a pizza right this moment. Pepperoni with mushrooms and extra cheese, please. I will eat the whole large pizza by myself most likely in one sitting. I'll do that and still want to order another pizza the next day. Maybe that one will be pepperoni with extra cheese sans the mushrooms. Maybe it is a supreme pizza that I am in the mood for or a meat lovers. I would probably end up ordering two pizzas so I don't have to choose. I want a pizza.
I also want a ice cream. I went a whole year without eating ice cream. Now that I'm back to indulging in it, I have to stop myself from eating it all of the time. It doesn't make any sense for me to eat ice cream as much as I do. I don't do well with dairy. That being said, I am always down for a bowl of cookies and cream (or vanilla, or lemon sorbet, or mint chocolate). Mmmmmm ice cream.
I want Chinese. I've ate Chinese at least three times last week and I only want more. Today was filled with the cravings for chicken fried rice and egg rolls. I discovered a place near my job last year. I was having and decided to sate a craving. I went a few months without returning to this place, but then my craving returned and so did I. I just recently discovered that this place is really good at the whole cooking Chinese food thing. I'm currently working my way through the beef menu and haven't found a thing that I wouldn't be willing to eat repeatedly. It is all delicious and I want it for every lunch and dinner. I love Chinese food.
I want McDonald's. Everyone saw this coming, right? I can literally eat McDonald's for every meal a day, every day of the week. Like I said before, I don't tire of the menu. Ever. It doesn't help that my favorite drink off all time is served there. While I usually get the one item, I can definitely say that went for the gold and got the 20 piece chicken nuggets. Thank you, Olympics. I surprised myself with the chicken nuggets and another entire meal this afternoon. I honestly didn't know I could eat that much. After all of that what did I want for dinner tonight? McDonald's.
I feel like it doesn't make sense for me to have these cravings. They never seem to end. Every day I want everything. Sating a craving is only ever temporary because I only want more. What's more is I hardly ever crave anything that is good for me. Why can't I want broccoli all of the time? Why not spinach (although that does sound good)? I really just need to be more adamant about fighting my cravings. I mean my barely keeping control of myself already has me under the impression that I will die a morbidly obese person. I know I don't have to go that way. I can fight this.
The only reason I ever wanted to go on a diet pill was for the promise of curving my appetite. It does bother me that I am hungry all of the time. I tend to overeat. Hell, I surprise myself sometimes with how much I can eat. Today is a prime example, but I digress.
I want pizza right now. I've had pizza twice in the last week. Which doesn't stop me from wanting a pizza right this moment. Pepperoni with mushrooms and extra cheese, please. I will eat the whole large pizza by myself most likely in one sitting. I'll do that and still want to order another pizza the next day. Maybe that one will be pepperoni with extra cheese sans the mushrooms. Maybe it is a supreme pizza that I am in the mood for or a meat lovers. I would probably end up ordering two pizzas so I don't have to choose. I want a pizza.
I also want a ice cream. I went a whole year without eating ice cream. Now that I'm back to indulging in it, I have to stop myself from eating it all of the time. It doesn't make any sense for me to eat ice cream as much as I do. I don't do well with dairy. That being said, I am always down for a bowl of cookies and cream (or vanilla, or lemon sorbet, or mint chocolate). Mmmmmm ice cream.
I want Chinese. I've ate Chinese at least three times last week and I only want more. Today was filled with the cravings for chicken fried rice and egg rolls. I discovered a place near my job last year. I was having and decided to sate a craving. I went a few months without returning to this place, but then my craving returned and so did I. I just recently discovered that this place is really good at the whole cooking Chinese food thing. I'm currently working my way through the beef menu and haven't found a thing that I wouldn't be willing to eat repeatedly. It is all delicious and I want it for every lunch and dinner. I love Chinese food.
I want McDonald's. Everyone saw this coming, right? I can literally eat McDonald's for every meal a day, every day of the week. Like I said before, I don't tire of the menu. Ever. It doesn't help that my favorite drink off all time is served there. While I usually get the one item, I can definitely say that went for the gold and got the 20 piece chicken nuggets. Thank you, Olympics. I surprised myself with the chicken nuggets and another entire meal this afternoon. I honestly didn't know I could eat that much. After all of that what did I want for dinner tonight? McDonald's.
I feel like it doesn't make sense for me to have these cravings. They never seem to end. Every day I want everything. Sating a craving is only ever temporary because I only want more. What's more is I hardly ever crave anything that is good for me. Why can't I want broccoli all of the time? Why not spinach (although that does sound good)? I really just need to be more adamant about fighting my cravings. I mean my barely keeping control of myself already has me under the impression that I will die a morbidly obese person. I know I don't have to go that way. I can fight this.
Go Team USA!
And tonight is it. This wraps up my obsession with Team USA. While the closing ceremonies managed to put me to sleep several times, I do love to tune in. Kind of how the Olympians have a planes to catch in a few hours, but cannot go home without having experienced the closing ceremonies. I'm glad that Russia decided to tell a story instead of just throwing a bunch of stuff into the arena.
I wish I was able to give the final show all of my attention, but alas the desire to sleep was too strong. Fortunately the whole thing rebroadcasts after a few hours and my nap was only that long,
I wish I was able to give the final show all of my attention, but alas the desire to sleep was too strong. Fortunately the whole thing rebroadcasts after a few hours and my nap was only that long,
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Alcohol and chicken nuggets
Another night full of Olympics and all I want to do is drink. I'm not talking orange juice. Though that is neither here nor there.
This whole week has been both a drain on my patience and a drain on my body. With deciding to stay up everyday to watch the Olympics, every little thing has been in contingency to get on my nerves. I decided that I am not satisfied with some peoples definition of me in their lives. I guess I'm just frustrated. I can't seem to find any solutions.
There is something that I really want to happen. I'm too afraid put too much faith in it's occurrence. I can already tell that if it falls through I am going to be devastated. I hate it when I want things this badly. Is it ridiculous that I'm afraid of being excited about things because I'm afraid of major disappointments? While I know that nothing can be accomplished if I'm ruled by fear, it doesn't quell the feeling that under-promising in order to over-perform feels safe and comfortable.
On an aside, at least I was able to enjoy a 20-piece chicken nuggets for $5 at McDonald's before the Olympics ended.
This whole week has been both a drain on my patience and a drain on my body. With deciding to stay up everyday to watch the Olympics, every little thing has been in contingency to get on my nerves. I decided that I am not satisfied with some peoples definition of me in their lives. I guess I'm just frustrated. I can't seem to find any solutions.
There is something that I really want to happen. I'm too afraid put too much faith in it's occurrence. I can already tell that if it falls through I am going to be devastated. I hate it when I want things this badly. Is it ridiculous that I'm afraid of being excited about things because I'm afraid of major disappointments? While I know that nothing can be accomplished if I'm ruled by fear, it doesn't quell the feeling that under-promising in order to over-perform feels safe and comfortable.
On an aside, at least I was able to enjoy a 20-piece chicken nuggets for $5 at McDonald's before the Olympics ended.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Drained
As I've been whining about how tired I am all week, I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I am completely drained. The only desire I have at the Moment is to crash into my bed and just stop moving. That being said, I will just go to bed now.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
How disappointing
I watched the Olympics tonight and gotta say I was disappointed with the results of the Women's Singles in figure skating. I was heartbroken that Yuna Kim didn't take Gold. Maybe I just wanted it too much for her. Maybe she really didn't have the technical features that Russia brought to the table. I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter from falling short in my life at various things. After all, no one appreciates a victory as much as the loser.
I don't even know why I care so much about the Olympics for starters. Not that this will deter me from watching. I just may not be so excited to watch Women's figure skating anymore. Whatever. There is still snowboarding and speed skating.
I don't even know why I care so much about the Olympics for starters. Not that this will deter me from watching. I just may not be so excited to watch Women's figure skating anymore. Whatever. There is still snowboarding and speed skating.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Patenting
I don't know much about it, but I have a lot of opinions. Every now and then other moment I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I will be way too selfish to have children. There is a lot that must be given up and sacrificed. Decisions that were never in any plan have to be made. It is a bit much.
For starters, I feel that when the decision is made to have children current life must change. If someone spends the entire time raising children feeling that life had been put on hold then priorities are not properly focused.
Personally, I know that I'm not ready to change my life. I want too many things. Not having children is the best choice for me now. I only hope that when I decide to, if I decide to, that I commit. That my life doesn't get "put on hold" but becomes about being a parent.
I feel I should clarify. Saying that last bit feels as if I'm asking everyone to forget that they are humans with needs and desires when children enter the picture. I don't mean to come across that way because I do not feel that is the correct approach. I just feel that child rearing shouldn't be that thing that must be done instead of living one's life. It should be a part of the life that is being lived.
For starters, I feel that when the decision is made to have children current life must change. If someone spends the entire time raising children feeling that life had been put on hold then priorities are not properly focused.
Personally, I know that I'm not ready to change my life. I want too many things. Not having children is the best choice for me now. I only hope that when I decide to, if I decide to, that I commit. That my life doesn't get "put on hold" but becomes about being a parent.
I feel I should clarify. Saying that last bit feels as if I'm asking everyone to forget that they are humans with needs and desires when children enter the picture. I don't mean to come across that way because I do not feel that is the correct approach. I just feel that child rearing shouldn't be that thing that must be done instead of living one's life. It should be a part of the life that is being lived.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Always watching
Another night/day of overindulgence in the Olympics whilst simultaneously looking up the results by accident. That doesn't sound realistic, I know. Well not the overindulgence. That part is completely believable. The part about looking up the results. It really was an accident. I was trying to get the story of the skeleton rider that got hit by a bobsled and instead found the story of Wise taking gold in freeskiing. It doesn't matter in the end anyway because I don't mind spoilers.
All in all today was nice. I was slightly productive. I ate too much. It was beautiful outside and no one made me angry. Not bad at all.
All in all today was nice. I was slightly productive. I ate too much. It was beautiful outside and no one made me angry. Not bad at all.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Sleep, please
I really should start writing these entries earlier in my day. I have been so ridiculously tired lately, probably having something to go with watching the Olympics. My weird sleep schedule and hours of staring at the television has given me multiple headaches throughout the last few weeks. I'm so sleepy that I'm a bit worried about my drive home . I should go to bed.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Did you say nap time?
Another night of the Olympics watching me. I had every intention to tune in to ice dancing. Apparently Davis and White killed it tonight. Unfortunately I was asleep before the bobsleders got down the track. It's good that I recorded it originally thinking I was going to miss it. It was a great two hour nap.
My mind is in a state of unrest that I can't settle. I can tell because I am chasing new music to the ends of the Earth. As music is my greatest way to calm my mind and drag me out of my head, albums aren't being dropped fast enough. I guess it is good that I'm into so many things as there is always something new to find.
There seems to be something in every part of my life that is bothering me. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me being the common denominator and all. Forget this headache, I just need a new album.
My mind is in a state of unrest that I can't settle. I can tell because I am chasing new music to the ends of the Earth. As music is my greatest way to calm my mind and drag me out of my head, albums aren't being dropped fast enough. I guess it is good that I'm into so many things as there is always something new to find.
There seems to be something in every part of my life that is bothering me. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me being the common denominator and all. Forget this headache, I just need a new album.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Drained
I meant to spend this afternoon watching the Olympics that I had recorded yesterday. (I decided to brave the crazed world of restaurants on Valentine's Day with a couple of co-workers.) That was when I realized I was drained. I managed to get a 2.5 mile walk in. Afterwards I settled down for the Olympics. It wasn't long before the Olympics were watching me. I still feel drowsy and, having taken a nap, now have a headache. Goodie.
Whatever. Last night was fun. Wihtout meaning to I ended up giving someone perspective. I'm still not entirely thrilled about that. Now to watch some curling.
Olympics, Olympics, Olympics. *insert fist pump*
Friday, February 14, 2014
Skin irritations
I seem to rapidly be developing a plethora of skin irritations. I don't know why they are happening. I can't even say what is triggering them. I want to blame stress for my hives. However my lips do not want to be shown up. They are also trying to let the world know that I have no idea how to take care of myself.
Or at least that was my line of thinking when I started this entry a month ago. A few realizations have happened since. First, I could not find anything other than stress to explain away my hives. I decided it was all psychosomatic. It has since subsided. It has been at least three weeks since I've had a breakout.
Now the lip rash. I have this disappearing reappearing rash that keeps popping up on my lips. My long time go to for lip care seemed to now be breaking me out. I finally went to the store and pulled all of the different lip balms and looked for a common denominator. Turns out most chapsticks have either lemon oil or limonene. Limonene being one way to say orange oil. Oranges. A wonderful fruit for which I've developed an allergy. Things are finally explained.
Now that I know what to avoid things are becoming reasonable again. I miss orange juice.
Or at least that was my line of thinking when I started this entry a month ago. A few realizations have happened since. First, I could not find anything other than stress to explain away my hives. I decided it was all psychosomatic. It has since subsided. It has been at least three weeks since I've had a breakout.
Now the lip rash. I have this disappearing reappearing rash that keeps popping up on my lips. My long time go to for lip care seemed to now be breaking me out. I finally went to the store and pulled all of the different lip balms and looked for a common denominator. Turns out most chapsticks have either lemon oil or limonene. Limonene being one way to say orange oil. Oranges. A wonderful fruit for which I've developed an allergy. Things are finally explained.
Now that I know what to avoid things are becoming reasonable again. I miss orange juice.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Oversatying my welcome
I am up way too late preserving on a project that in no way concerned me. It doesn't quite make sense to me either. It did, however, serve as motivation to not celebrate Valentine's Day. Ever.
Now I want to build a puzzle. Instead, I'll just go to bed. Coffee run tomorrow? I think so.
Now I want to build a puzzle. Instead, I'll just go to bed. Coffee run tomorrow? I think so.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
I should move around more
I know that I can't be the only person that wants to participate in more sports when the Olympics come on. It happens every time the winter or summer games come around, I find myself trying to fathom the life of an athlete. While I don't have any desire to take up any sport professionally, I do feel the desire to find more active ways to pass the time.
I mentioned that I wanted to learn how to ride a penny board. I wish that was only because of the Olympics but in truth that urge comes from my over indulgence in YouTube. I do want to get out on a bike. Maybe attempt a trail. Fortunately, the memory of my crashing bikes on level ground is enough to disuade me from that particular pipedream. Even knowing that basketball, baseball, and tennis aren't the sports that draw my attention.
I used to want to be an X-sportsman since Rocket Power was on television. Who didn't want to be Reggie Rocket? I know I did. But I still can't justify wanting to do it professionally or even learning to do it as a hobby. All I know is that I get an itch for being more activedc while watching people throwing tricks. What's ridiculous is that it apparently doesn't take much to get me to feel that I'd like to be more active.
I mentioned that I wanted to learn how to ride a penny board. I wish that was only because of the Olympics but in truth that urge comes from my over indulgence in YouTube. I do want to get out on a bike. Maybe attempt a trail. Fortunately, the memory of my crashing bikes on level ground is enough to disuade me from that particular pipedream. Even knowing that basketball, baseball, and tennis aren't the sports that draw my attention.
I used to want to be an X-sportsman since Rocket Power was on television. Who didn't want to be Reggie Rocket? I know I did. But I still can't justify wanting to do it professionally or even learning to do it as a hobby. All I know is that I get an itch for being more activedc while watching people throwing tricks. What's ridiculous is that it apparently doesn't take much to get me to feel that I'd like to be more active.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
More than a fly on the wall
Am I the only person who sees a well known person and immediately wants to work with them? I don't know why, I just want to be the right-hand man for that person. I want to be the one they bounce ideas off of. I would love to be the person that is privy to their private thoughts. At first I wanted to know what was on their mind. Then I reminded myself that I can be annoying and I don't want to hear what people think about my antics.
Anywho, this may be my desire to get out on the open road at any means necessary. It could also be that I just want to gravitate to interesting people. Or people that I find interesting. I haven't figured that part out just yet. I usually find that it's a person that doesn't stay in one place for too long. Usually performers. I never realized that before. Since I can't think of a single non-performer to refute that I'll try to come to terms with it. I've had the desire to be behind the spotlight in several people's lives. Whether it be touring as a tech or sitting in planning meetings, I want to be a part of it. I say behind the spotlight because being on stage or in an interview isn't what comes to mind. In my minds eye I see hours of building stages. I see dinner meetings about the day ahead. I would be the face that blends into the wall as I make sure they go the right direction at an event. People looking at who I'm with don't know I exist, but I'm there. I'm always there.
I'm finding that this urge isn't something that will just go away if I wait long enough. It's been at least eight years since the first desire to be close to someone I admire and have them look to me as either a friend or business partner can be recalled. Knowing someone in the spotlight has nothing on seeing them away from the public eye. I can't figure out what's up with my fascination with behind the scenes. All I know is that it even begs my attention in my dreams. Regular dreams and daydreams.
Anywho, this may be my desire to get out on the open road at any means necessary. It could also be that I just want to gravitate to interesting people. Or people that I find interesting. I haven't figured that part out just yet. I usually find that it's a person that doesn't stay in one place for too long. Usually performers. I never realized that before. Since I can't think of a single non-performer to refute that I'll try to come to terms with it. I've had the desire to be behind the spotlight in several people's lives. Whether it be touring as a tech or sitting in planning meetings, I want to be a part of it. I say behind the spotlight because being on stage or in an interview isn't what comes to mind. In my minds eye I see hours of building stages. I see dinner meetings about the day ahead. I would be the face that blends into the wall as I make sure they go the right direction at an event. People looking at who I'm with don't know I exist, but I'm there. I'm always there.
I'm finding that this urge isn't something that will just go away if I wait long enough. It's been at least eight years since the first desire to be close to someone I admire and have them look to me as either a friend or business partner can be recalled. Knowing someone in the spotlight has nothing on seeing them away from the public eye. I can't figure out what's up with my fascination with behind the scenes. All I know is that it even begs my attention in my dreams. Regular dreams and daydreams.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Just believe
Years of being told there would be snow without the occurrence of any such precipitation has made me quite the skeptic. Twice now I have been proved wrong for not beliving the weather man.
It snowed in my southern state. While it only stuck long enough to freeze for a few hours then evaporate, it still caused enough of a hoopla to make for a very dull day at work. A few weeks earlier there was an ice storm that I was warned was coming but nevertheless didn't prepare for. I ended up staying at my friend's house to avoid the long commute overt the ice for two days. I am starting to realize that my stubborness isn't earning me anything other than discomfort.
It's time I start listening to the weather man.
It snowed in my southern state. While it only stuck long enough to freeze for a few hours then evaporate, it still caused enough of a hoopla to make for a very dull day at work. A few weeks earlier there was an ice storm that I was warned was coming but nevertheless didn't prepare for. I ended up staying at my friend's house to avoid the long commute overt the ice for two days. I am starting to realize that my stubborness isn't earning me anything other than discomfort.
It's time I start listening to the weather man.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Even awake I dream
Another day in the bag and I feel as if my world is turned on its head. That sucks. Oh well.
I have desires to learn to do many things. I feel like a jack of all trades sometimes. No specialties in my book. For example, I wish I was a better cook. That I could have a stressful day that only an evening's cooking can work out. I would love it if I could depend on myself to regularly cook my meals. I guess I'm just not motivated enough.
Then, of course, I wish I was more active. Now I know that I can easily change that. Just get off my rear more often. Maybe not consider a day spent in bed a day thoroughly enjoyed. I want a bike to ride regularly. I want to learn how to skate on a penny board. I wish I could take dance classes. Not the ones for beginners where they spend the entire time teaching how to hear the rhythm. No. The classes that spend about 20 minutes teaching choreography and another forty dancing the hell out of it.
What is I was multilingual? If I could meet and conquer any language. I only really want to know five total. French because old movies used to randomly throw in french conversations without the use if any subtitles and I like old movies. Spanish is good to know if you live in America. Not mentioning that our southern neighbors speak it. Italian because I want to go to Italy and it would be easy to learn after I get through Spanish. Finally German because I have no idea why I want to learn so many romance languages. My years with Spanish in high school should tell me that this dream is a bit farfetched.
I wish I was more musical. I know that that takes practice and I am trying. I want to be at the level where I can get sheet music and learn my favorite songs on guitar and/or piano to serenade myself. Nothing has the healing powers of music after all. Being a musical person is such an incredible thing. I would be able to spend hours honing my skills. Submerging myself into this musical place that quells all doubts and calms the nerves.
I don't want to do any of this for money. I would do it all for me. I don't know why I have such grand dreams. Maybe one or two would be attainable but all of them? Maybe that's why sleep is my favorite pastime. I want too much and scare myself into not even trying. Who knows.
I have desires to learn to do many things. I feel like a jack of all trades sometimes. No specialties in my book. For example, I wish I was a better cook. That I could have a stressful day that only an evening's cooking can work out. I would love it if I could depend on myself to regularly cook my meals. I guess I'm just not motivated enough.
Then, of course, I wish I was more active. Now I know that I can easily change that. Just get off my rear more often. Maybe not consider a day spent in bed a day thoroughly enjoyed. I want a bike to ride regularly. I want to learn how to skate on a penny board. I wish I could take dance classes. Not the ones for beginners where they spend the entire time teaching how to hear the rhythm. No. The classes that spend about 20 minutes teaching choreography and another forty dancing the hell out of it.
What is I was multilingual? If I could meet and conquer any language. I only really want to know five total. French because old movies used to randomly throw in french conversations without the use if any subtitles and I like old movies. Spanish is good to know if you live in America. Not mentioning that our southern neighbors speak it. Italian because I want to go to Italy and it would be easy to learn after I get through Spanish. Finally German because I have no idea why I want to learn so many romance languages. My years with Spanish in high school should tell me that this dream is a bit farfetched.
I wish I was more musical. I know that that takes practice and I am trying. I want to be at the level where I can get sheet music and learn my favorite songs on guitar and/or piano to serenade myself. Nothing has the healing powers of music after all. Being a musical person is such an incredible thing. I would be able to spend hours honing my skills. Submerging myself into this musical place that quells all doubts and calms the nerves.
I don't want to do any of this for money. I would do it all for me. I don't know why I have such grand dreams. Maybe one or two would be attainable but all of them? Maybe that's why sleep is my favorite pastime. I want too much and scare myself into not even trying. Who knows.
I don't suffer stupid well
Apparently I find it rather hard to deal with a person when I think they are stupid. As a sarcastic person I am not good at holding my tongue when I feel a person deserves a certain quip. Sometimes that habit may call for laughs. Other times it is completely inappropriate. Since I don't seem to have a way to withhold my reactions I am the perfect person to bully.
Bullies are always looking for a reaction. I must response to inflammatory comments. These things do not go together. It only makes for a loud argument. I know that I need to chill out sometimes. I get into a lot of fights because I don't take lightly to being mistreated. There may have been a time when I just rolled over. I wasn't always up for confrontation. I still am a chicken according to some people. Now, though, I am less passive and more aggressive.
The desire to say things back affects me in several different parts of my life. Sometimes I feel like there should be an aptitude test for people to talk to me. Which is a very rude thing to say, I am aware. When I was younger I remember that one of the things that I looked for in a man was that he needed to at least be as smart as me. Though I preferred that he be smarter. I just find it hard to have an intelligent conversation with someone.... I sound like a douche. Moving on.
I've said so in the past that situations become more dicey when people say stupid things to me. I don't handle it well. Arguments need to be logical or I just get angry. I need to reign it in because it isn't a professional way to handle things.
Bullies are always looking for a reaction. I must response to inflammatory comments. These things do not go together. It only makes for a loud argument. I know that I need to chill out sometimes. I get into a lot of fights because I don't take lightly to being mistreated. There may have been a time when I just rolled over. I wasn't always up for confrontation. I still am a chicken according to some people. Now, though, I am less passive and more aggressive.
The desire to say things back affects me in several different parts of my life. Sometimes I feel like there should be an aptitude test for people to talk to me. Which is a very rude thing to say, I am aware. When I was younger I remember that one of the things that I looked for in a man was that he needed to at least be as smart as me. Though I preferred that he be smarter. I just find it hard to have an intelligent conversation with someone.... I sound like a douche. Moving on.
I've said so in the past that situations become more dicey when people say stupid things to me. I don't handle it well. Arguments need to be logical or I just get angry. I need to reign it in because it isn't a professional way to handle things.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Why I shouldn't stay up late
Today was a difficult day. I felt like it took me until about halfway through the day to feel like I wasn't dragging. I was so tired though I did wake up eventually. With the drowsiness I also had a problem retaining information. For instance, I had a budding idea for today's entry and lost it. I decided to stay up later than my body wanted me to and now I can only think of the music I'm obsessed with and videos I just watched.
So let's talk sleep deprivation. I tend to have a lower tolerance for sleep deprivation that others I know. Lack of sleep is a guaranteed way to encounter a crabby me. I find I am happiest either well rested or caffeinated. It's a dark path me to go without sleep for too long. Not only that but I am much more easily confused. I know that every gets to this point with sleep deprivation, but I still feel that I'm more sensitive.
On more than one occasion I've woken up from a deep sleep (in a time where I wasn't getting enough regularly) and couldn't understand a simple task. Twice I fell asleep in the car and when I was woken up couldn't for the life of me remember how to work the power locks. I could only make sense of the windows but even that wasn't enough to let my family into the car. As soon as I'd hit the button I'd know it wasn't what I was aiming for and would roll the window back up. Helpful that. Not at all. Then after a moment of confusion I'd try to go back to sleep, not remembering why I'd been awakened. Which happened several times. It took my sister getting right up to the window and pointing at the button I needed to push (whilst yelling, "THIS ONE, RIGHT HERE") before I was able to let my family into the car.
Then there is the alarm clock situation. For the record I had hundreds of occasions of being brought back to consciousness with this alarm clock before any of the following occurrences. I was hit with a level of sleep deprivation that made it impossible for me to silence my alarm. None of the buttons made any sense to me. Snooze was especially confusing. I was turning the thing upside down ripping my hair out trying to figure out how to shut it up. I felt so helpless. Despite my previous experience, it was quantum physics and I was just learning that the plus sign meant addition. I've been told that withholding my sleep would be a true torture for me. Knowing how I am with only the pressure from me I'd be insane in a week tops if someone else was leaning on me.
Lesson kids: Get your sleep.
So let's talk sleep deprivation. I tend to have a lower tolerance for sleep deprivation that others I know. Lack of sleep is a guaranteed way to encounter a crabby me. I find I am happiest either well rested or caffeinated. It's a dark path me to go without sleep for too long. Not only that but I am much more easily confused. I know that every gets to this point with sleep deprivation, but I still feel that I'm more sensitive.
On more than one occasion I've woken up from a deep sleep (in a time where I wasn't getting enough regularly) and couldn't understand a simple task. Twice I fell asleep in the car and when I was woken up couldn't for the life of me remember how to work the power locks. I could only make sense of the windows but even that wasn't enough to let my family into the car. As soon as I'd hit the button I'd know it wasn't what I was aiming for and would roll the window back up. Helpful that. Not at all. Then after a moment of confusion I'd try to go back to sleep, not remembering why I'd been awakened. Which happened several times. It took my sister getting right up to the window and pointing at the button I needed to push (whilst yelling, "THIS ONE, RIGHT HERE") before I was able to let my family into the car.
Then there is the alarm clock situation. For the record I had hundreds of occasions of being brought back to consciousness with this alarm clock before any of the following occurrences. I was hit with a level of sleep deprivation that made it impossible for me to silence my alarm. None of the buttons made any sense to me. Snooze was especially confusing. I was turning the thing upside down ripping my hair out trying to figure out how to shut it up. I felt so helpless. Despite my previous experience, it was quantum physics and I was just learning that the plus sign meant addition. I've been told that withholding my sleep would be a true torture for me. Knowing how I am with only the pressure from me I'd be insane in a week tops if someone else was leaning on me.
Lesson kids: Get your sleep.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
So tired
I heve a usual appointment with a friend. Every Thursday we hang you at their place and watch tv. I almost canceled due to inclement weather. Everything cleared up hours before we were supposed to get together so I decided there was not a need.
The problem is that I had no idea I was so tired. Here we are sitting at my friend's house and the next thing I know I'm knocked out. I end up falling asleep so deeply that when I wake up I've turned two seperate shows into one program with this bizarre plot that belonged to neither one. That took me about an hour to sort out.
It's always a bit disappointing to get that sleepy and that comfortable away from home. Well, it is for me anyway. When I start to fall asleep like that the only natural response for me is to go to bed. Something that I cannot do when I'm not at home. Waking up drowsy, in the middle of the night and realizing that a drive home is still necessary for settling down a tad frustrating. I spent an hour longer at my friend's house because they were too sweet to wake me. Then, of course, I needed to properly wake up. As driving sleepy is worse than driving drunk, I didn't want to navigate the ice while I was still groggy.
All in all I got home eventually. Now it's bed time. Nap at friend's house aside, I still only want to sleep.
The problem is that I had no idea I was so tired. Here we are sitting at my friend's house and the next thing I know I'm knocked out. I end up falling asleep so deeply that when I wake up I've turned two seperate shows into one program with this bizarre plot that belonged to neither one. That took me about an hour to sort out.
It's always a bit disappointing to get that sleepy and that comfortable away from home. Well, it is for me anyway. When I start to fall asleep like that the only natural response for me is to go to bed. Something that I cannot do when I'm not at home. Waking up drowsy, in the middle of the night and realizing that a drive home is still necessary for settling down a tad frustrating. I spent an hour longer at my friend's house because they were too sweet to wake me. Then, of course, I needed to properly wake up. As driving sleepy is worse than driving drunk, I didn't want to navigate the ice while I was still groggy.
All in all I got home eventually. Now it's bed time. Nap at friend's house aside, I still only want to sleep.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Tough choices, or they were
I have a serious wanting things habit. I want things all of the time. Lots of things. According to a friend, I tend to have champagne taste on a beer budget. Go figure. Then of course there is my desire to own things coupled with my slow-to-spend attitude that sometimes makes me miss out on the things I want. This post just got hella confusing.
I wanted to go to a concert. There is a website that had some shirts that I want marked down. My watch needed a new battery. All of these things cost about the same. Around $30. I was willing to spend sixty (when I should be saving, I might add) but I couldn't get myself to spend ninety. So I need to make a decision. Would I get the concert ticket and enjoy some music? Should I go for the T-shirts that I've been drooling over for months now? The only definite purchase was my watch battery. I have to have a watch.
All of this back and forth proved to be pointless in the end. I waited too long to get my concert ticket and now the event is sold out. The genius is coming to town and I will have to let him pass through without enjoying his stay. I'm so bummed. Had I bought that ticket two months ago this wouldn't be a problem. Why didn't I buy the ticket? Silver lining can be seen as I do get to get the shirts now. In fact, I should buy them now before they get sold right out from under me. Meaning I should stop typing and get to purchasing. Like right now. I should stop wast.... oh.
I wanted to go to a concert. There is a website that had some shirts that I want marked down. My watch needed a new battery. All of these things cost about the same. Around $30. I was willing to spend sixty (when I should be saving, I might add) but I couldn't get myself to spend ninety. So I need to make a decision. Would I get the concert ticket and enjoy some music? Should I go for the T-shirts that I've been drooling over for months now? The only definite purchase was my watch battery. I have to have a watch.
All of this back and forth proved to be pointless in the end. I waited too long to get my concert ticket and now the event is sold out. The genius is coming to town and I will have to let him pass through without enjoying his stay. I'm so bummed. Had I bought that ticket two months ago this wouldn't be a problem. Why didn't I buy the ticket? Silver lining can be seen as I do get to get the shirts now. In fact, I should buy them now before they get sold right out from under me. Meaning I should stop typing and get to purchasing. Like right now. I should stop wast.... oh.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
So that's what people do with their days off?
I had a day where no one bugged me. A day off, basically. Sounds like a day in bed for me. Nope, today wasn't. What?!? Am I sick? Crazy? Not entirely ready to give up on life? No. Well, maybe the last one. Focus Jas.
I get the urge to go to the movies. When I was younger I practically lived in the movie theater. I would see at least two movies a week, sometimes two in a day. I decided to go to one movie every week last November. This, of course, making my desire to constantly see movies very persistent. Growing up slowed down my movie going. Today I found myself lacking the satisfaction a recent movie viewing grants me.
Look at that, I'm getting to a point. I wanted to go to a movie. Actually I wanted to go to two. I reminded my sister that we spoke about seeing Ride Along. She was game for seeing it still so we made it a date. Also, since I like to go to the movies in the middle of the day, I made plans to see That Awkward Moment at 11:15 AM. I let my sister know I was planning on seeing it as a way to explain why I chose the time for seeing Ride Along. She took my notice as an invitation and thus a sister day was born.
Instead of sleeping the day away, I was up and out of the house before the breakfast specials had their last call. My sister and I went to our first movie. It was delightful. With the hour we had in between movies, we ate lunch. That was delicious. Then it was time for round two. Ride Along, for the record, was funny and thoroughly enjoyed. After that my sister wanted to go and get her nails done. I sat and chatted her through her pedicure. We wrapped up the night with an hour long discussion of how to best tackle executing my mother's party. It was a discussion that ended exactly the way I expected.
All in all it was a good day. I enjoyed my day with my sister. Two movies in the bag and family time. I didn't miss my bed at all.
I get the urge to go to the movies. When I was younger I practically lived in the movie theater. I would see at least two movies a week, sometimes two in a day. I decided to go to one movie every week last November. This, of course, making my desire to constantly see movies very persistent. Growing up slowed down my movie going. Today I found myself lacking the satisfaction a recent movie viewing grants me.
Look at that, I'm getting to a point. I wanted to go to a movie. Actually I wanted to go to two. I reminded my sister that we spoke about seeing Ride Along. She was game for seeing it still so we made it a date. Also, since I like to go to the movies in the middle of the day, I made plans to see That Awkward Moment at 11:15 AM. I let my sister know I was planning on seeing it as a way to explain why I chose the time for seeing Ride Along. She took my notice as an invitation and thus a sister day was born.
Instead of sleeping the day away, I was up and out of the house before the breakfast specials had their last call. My sister and I went to our first movie. It was delightful. With the hour we had in between movies, we ate lunch. That was delicious. Then it was time for round two. Ride Along, for the record, was funny and thoroughly enjoyed. After that my sister wanted to go and get her nails done. I sat and chatted her through her pedicure. We wrapped up the night with an hour long discussion of how to best tackle executing my mother's party. It was a discussion that ended exactly the way I expected.
All in all it was a good day. I enjoyed my day with my sister. Two movies in the bag and family time. I didn't miss my bed at all.
Monday, February 3, 2014
I want it but I don't want it
I want a tattoo.
I want a tattoo that I won't ever get.
I want it in a place that isn't good.
I want it.
It doesn't make sense to get it.
What is it that I want? Four things that occupy my free time.
I want a 2x2 cell grid that holds in each square a line drawing of each the following: old time camera, book, treble clef and the theater masks. I want it on the front of my shoulder. I want it there because it's a place where I can see it. The longer I think about it the more I want it. Maybe I should wait a year and see how I feel.
It takes a lot for me to get a tattoo. I am very aware of the permanence of inking oneself. Plus I have dreams... dreams that maybe I should give up on but can't seem to. I just wish I could get my vision on paper. Maybe not being able to do that is the only reason that I haven't gotten the dang thing.
I want a tattoo that I won't ever get.
I want it in a place that isn't good.
I want it.
It doesn't make sense to get it.
What is it that I want? Four things that occupy my free time.
I want a 2x2 cell grid that holds in each square a line drawing of each the following: old time camera, book, treble clef and the theater masks. I want it on the front of my shoulder. I want it there because it's a place where I can see it. The longer I think about it the more I want it. Maybe I should wait a year and see how I feel.
It takes a lot for me to get a tattoo. I am very aware of the permanence of inking oneself. Plus I have dreams... dreams that maybe I should give up on but can't seem to. I just wish I could get my vision on paper. Maybe not being able to do that is the only reason that I haven't gotten the dang thing.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Stop arguing! But they're wrong
I'm so distracted. It's hard to focus. Maybe I'll just keep typing and maybe something will come to me. type type type type..... nothing. type type type type.... maybe, oh I can't talk about that. type type type type... distracted by YouTube. Oh, what about:
I'm not good with going against my system. I am particular about the way to do things. A way that I'm not good with straying from. It's a sickness. I am constantly trying to not allow my disappointment or anger take me over when things change unexpectedly. So maybe I am also bull headed. Which only means that I fight to keep my systems in play.
Today was a trial. I wanted to do something that I thought was important. Not only was I told that it wasn't, I was also blocked from doing it with crappy excuses. (I felt they were crappy.) This infuriated me. Being told that things were different, that I was stepping on people's toes, and that I was being ridiculous had me about to go through the roof. I had to tell myself to calm down and build a bridge. It took about an hour and a half for me to not stomp around like a child. Even longer for me to quit being standoffish. I hate to change things when my system makes more sense.
I need to change this about myself. Not being able to adapt when I think someone is being stupid is a serious hindrance. This has caused me to argue with my bosses even when I can tell it's a dangerous stance to take. In case it wasn't known, that isn't a good way to keep your job. Luckily none of my bosses have decided to terminate me for doing so. It get it into my head that the best way to carry out a task it's very hard to convince me to change. I try to blame it on my personality type. Apparently I need to have the benefits of a change made plain. Even I feel that's just an excuse to be cantankerous.
I should get to be bottom of why I feel the need to argue against everything (sometimes for what seems to be for the sake of arguing). Or maybe I just need to learn to control myself.
I'm not good with going against my system. I am particular about the way to do things. A way that I'm not good with straying from. It's a sickness. I am constantly trying to not allow my disappointment or anger take me over when things change unexpectedly. So maybe I am also bull headed. Which only means that I fight to keep my systems in play.
Today was a trial. I wanted to do something that I thought was important. Not only was I told that it wasn't, I was also blocked from doing it with crappy excuses. (I felt they were crappy.) This infuriated me. Being told that things were different, that I was stepping on people's toes, and that I was being ridiculous had me about to go through the roof. I had to tell myself to calm down and build a bridge. It took about an hour and a half for me to not stomp around like a child. Even longer for me to quit being standoffish. I hate to change things when my system makes more sense.
I need to change this about myself. Not being able to adapt when I think someone is being stupid is a serious hindrance. This has caused me to argue with my bosses even when I can tell it's a dangerous stance to take. In case it wasn't known, that isn't a good way to keep your job. Luckily none of my bosses have decided to terminate me for doing so. It get it into my head that the best way to carry out a task it's very hard to convince me to change. I try to blame it on my personality type. Apparently I need to have the benefits of a change made plain. Even I feel that's just an excuse to be cantankerous.
I should get to be bottom of why I feel the need to argue against everything (sometimes for what seems to be for the sake of arguing). Or maybe I just need to learn to control myself.
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