The itch is setting in

It's that time of the year again. That time when I look around and realize that as the year is ending the time to try the new things is dawning. When years come to a close, I always find myself with an itch to try or do something that I don't usually do. I don't know why. I just do.

Let's get one thing straight: I don't like calling them New Year's resolutions. I don't care for making resolutions. I also never keep resolutions when I make them. Never keeping them makes it absolutely true that they are a waste of time. Plus I don't like telling people my resolutions when I make them because it just adds to the guarantee that I won't keep it. Which would mean on top of failure then I'll have people shaming me for not finishing what I've started. (In hindsight, I can only remember being shamed once, but it put a bad taste in my mouth for all resolutions ever.) I just don't make resolutions.

Anyway, back to my point. I try new things. What I love about trying these year long projects (for lack of a better word) is the feeling I get from the planning process. These things really are daunting to me. I get butterflies in my stomach and the jitters as I nail down the specs for the year. It makes me look forward to a new year of exciting things and new accomplishments. I don't always succeed at what I set out to do but having tried in the first place makes me feel all the better.

I've been wondering about my next project. Trying to decide on something simply because it's what I do. I was trying to force it. That doesn't work for me. I have to wait for it to come to me. Today it did. I'm still in the middle of nailing down the specifics. Which means that I am extremely extremely excited. This always makes me anxious for the start of the new year. Now I can't wait.

Grateful pick me up

I've been feeling a bit anxious about things in my life lately. Today there was definitely more anxiety about not meeting goals and wondering about my future. I know that there are things in my life that can be changed by me. I know that my unhappiness is stemmed from my lack of drive to change things. I just don't know how to start. (I think that was my last post.) So, in order to not sink into that debilitating funk of uselessness I composed a list of ten reasons I'm grateful (seriously, why do we spell it like this?)


 1. Healthy Family
Despite the blow my family has taken in the last year we are currently going on a streak of no ailments. While we may not be happy all of the time, at least our health is not an issue.

2. My car

The freedom to get where I need or would like to be is a wonderful thing. It's something that has taught me responsibility and time management. The latter is a really great thing to learn.

3. That I have jobs

I love things. I need money in order to get the things. It's nice to have a way to earn money that will allow me to get the things I want.

4. Not oversleeping to a detrimental extent

I'm doing a lot right now and am not always sleeping as I should. Getting out of bed gets really hard (for the record: I don't like to get out of bed when I'm well rested and sleep deprivation does not help). I'm just happy that it hasn't been so hard that I've missed an appointment.

5. Enough to pay my bills.

Once again, I like things and I'm glad to not have incurred more bills than money to pay them.

6. PoPS

Platoon of Power Squadron! I love this show. It makes me happy. Check it out.

7. Youtubers/Youtube

This is one of the things that ties into reason 9. I love the content. Other people's ideas and lives of which they are allowing me to catch glimpses. I'm thankful that Youtube provides an outlet for individuals to share these items.

8. Friends

Having people around to do everything from laugh to cry or whisper to yell and everything in between is just something that is a wonderful thing to have. I appreciate my friends.

9. Reasons to laugh

 Laughing is my all time favorite thing to do, so having reasons to do so is a blessing and I love and appreciate all of them.

10. Music

What better way is there to express yourself, memorize things, dance, and relax than music? There isn't.

Floundering

Maybe it's just that I feel overwhelmed. Maybe I'm just confused. I'm not sure. All I can say is that I don't want to do it alone. I desperately want for some one to hold my hand. I want them to tell me what to do.  I want them to walk me through it all the while telling me that everything is going to be okay.

But I can't have that.

No one is going to get me through this but me.

My fear is not knowing how to avoid giving into my fears that cause me to fail. My hang-ups are not being able to see even a glimmer of a path to my future happiness. My pathetic desires are to be able to stay in bed under the covers until the process is done and everything is perfect.

I know I'm full of excuses.  I know my desires of not wanting to move forward until I can see the complete path are foolish. I'm scared, of life, or living. I don't know.  I just know I'm terrified. I'm someone who was supposed to have it figured out and I keep coming up with blanks. "So smart," yet I can't figure out how to stop wasting it. I just. Don't. Know. What. To do. I don't know.

I love the internet... Youtube specifically

I have finally started to use Youtube for what it was created for. Discovering people who are expressing themselves. I think I am bordering a new obsession. (The thought occurs to me that I "obsess" about everything, which would make it hardly an obsession at all. It is, in fact, just another thing that I like, but I digress.) I am six years behind my good friend Thomas who discovered Nerdfighteria in 2007. He allowed me to catch a glimpse of it by getting me to read An Abundance of Katherines by John Green. Now I'm rambling. Let's see if I can regroup.
Vlog brothers are awesome. John Green, an author that I seriously need to rediscover (having only read one of his books and loving it), and his brother Hank Green, the witty and wonderfully intelligent human being with opinions about everything, are two guys who make up one of several new subscriptions that are causing my latest bouts of sleep deprivation. I was thrown into their universe (though it's more like I realized they were in my universe as they still don't know I exist) when a friend my mine did me a huge favor. So let us take a detour down Back Story alley. Are you ready? Here we go:

One night, whilst hanging around a frozen yogurt place with two of my guy friends, I was having one the usual off-the-wall conversations that enlightens my existence. We were talking about advertising, of all things, as the Green brothers hate advertising. It was mentioned that Dove did a commercial about different women's self image. The next day Dave found an entry about how a girl was really upset with the false "everyone is more beautiful than they think" message that Dove was sending. In her diatribe of how the images of the women were all the same white, blonde types (aside from one or two that weren't really showcased) she included a link to a video that would Rock. My. World.

Enter Hank Green. To be completely honest I can't entirely remember how he was tied into the writer's message. Probably something to do with the how advertising is not nearly as true to their word as they try to make us believe. Hank has a video that discusses how all the different branches of ads with their different, opposing messages are owned by the same major labels. It was one of many *rants* (please find a better word for this) that I will spend hours watching in Youtube. What's better, as they started this with a project in 2007, I may never catch up. It seems endless and I love it.

Then, of course, John cannot be forgotten. He is, after all, the older brother and the author that I didn't know I knew about. It took me several videos before I realized that John was THE John. The Mastermind behind An Abundance of Katherines. Talk about incredible. Hearing that the voice behind something that I've allowed to shape my mind is actually worth listening to in that he is extremely well-versed in the ways of the world. Now back to the present.

These two men make up a scintillating duo who have captured my mind in the throes* of their everyday life. They created Nerdfighteria where the fast talking, fact-slinging, genius philanthropists thrives. I truly appreciate that they made public their decision to reach out to one another.  (I know that's a bit ludicrous considering that my opinion doesn't really make a difference.) From the great things they do around the world to the great quotes I could keep a journal of, I'm so happy to throw my abundant fandom at them. It's simple really, I want nothing more right now than to be able to call myself a Nerdfighter.

I'm touched that you're impressed

Another video on YouTube has me enthralled. A genius mandolinist found himself impressed with an eleven year old player. After meeting her at a festival, he found himself allowing her to play a tune on his mandolin. Awe struck him when he realize that she did, in fact, know her way around his mandolin. He later invites her on stage while he is in concert. The part of the video that I most enjoy is when they play together live. She's eleven; he's been deemed the top of the line. She has no problem keeping up.


They play a song together, tossing the melody back and forth. Watching this man perform is incredibly entertaining. He is all over the place. It seems that he can never just give you a note or chord, he must also offer you his body to punctuate what he's playing. He’s never in one spot for long. He loses himself in his playing. When he’s playing with his band mates you can tell that he is the source of the excitement as well as is feeding off their energy. It's a very complementary relationship, them on stage. It was different when he was playing with this young girl. In a way, it felt as though he was only on stage to compliment her playing. He deftly handled his part of the melody with an air that he just needed to get through his part so that he can give the song back to her. There was almost an impatience in his playing when he was spotlighted. Most of his focus was on this young lady. He had all eyes on her, watching her fingering and navigation through the song.

There was a gleam similar to that of a proud parent in his eye. The first thing you notice about this performance, is that he isn't moving around as much. During the song the most moving he does is an impatient rocking through his solos and shifting his weight. The fact that he is extremely impressed with her is clear on his face. There was amusement in the form of a open-mouthed smile that just kept spreading the longer they played. I love that a man who is deemed a genius at what he does still has it in him to be impressed and accepting of a rising talent. It isn't just that he played with her, it's that he was completely complimentary of what she was capable of. It is that he made it clear that he enjoyed every minute of it. I can't truly say that I'm impressed as that would be far too pretentious of me. I just love it. I love his enjoyment. I love her talent. I love his encouragement of her. I know it seems as though I toss that word around a lot, but music is something that is very dear to my heart. His talent and his use of it, for not only his own personal gain but also those around him, is touching all the way down to my toes. It is moments like this that me proud to be a fan.

Super fan or stalker

At what point does a super fan turn into a stalker? I mean there must be a fine line. Considering that all of the typical stalker characteristics (e.g. following, reaching out for communication, and keeping tabs on them) are considered all right if you have a person who is famous enough to handle it. If a person decides to completely lose themselves in the minutiae of someone else's life does that make them crazy? Obsessed maybe, but crazy? Is obsession immediately a bad thing? I feel that if there is no desire to camp outside of anyone's personal home then things should be fine. Should be... possibly?

I have an addictive personality. This is, of course, a self diagnosis. I may find under certain psychoanalysis that the only thing that plagues me is an obsessive personality. I wonder if that is a strand of OCD, obsessing over things in phases. I also wonder if obsessive personality and addictive personality are two pages out the same book, cause let's face it, when you look at the definitions of the two, what is the real difference? You're addicted, you're obsessed. Can you be addicted to obsessing? Apparently I'm addicted to rambling, so I digress.

I go through phases where I decide to put my complete focus on one thing. Whether it is a person, place or thing does not matter. I've had bands keep me up at all hours of the night. Individual people have been the reason for me to glue myself to a search engine during work. How-to-fact scavenger hunts have put my name on the FBI watch list. It goes on and on. These moments come in spurts. I have a week or three of an intense drive to get my hands on everything I can, and then I peter out. Now I am faced with such a phase. And again I must get back to the point.

I went to a concert about two weeks ago and found that I hadn't known skilled musicians until then. These five gentlemen are incredible. They instill in a person the drive to go home, blow the dust off your own personal instrument and figure out a way to become a fraction of what they are. I burn with the desire to have music coming from the fingertips once more. As I'm sure you can guess these men and their skills are the object of my latest obsession. I scour the internet for interviews. YouTube and I are best friends, doing a dangerous tango to get to the sweet nectar that is the music (believe me; I know how ridiculous this sentence is, but it’s true). Nothing in my music collection sounded right or good for that matter. They are the only thing that I want to hear, talk or even think about. My friends are getting fed up. I've gone from multimedia to written literature and back. I am still very much impressed and left begging for more.

Believe it or not, I am aware that there is a point that I have yet to get to. Now that the back story is laid out, I'll redirect back to said point. Since I enjoy (to say the least) delving into fact seeking missions (about people is where my point lies for this instance), where is the line drawn between super fan and stalker? In the past when I've focused on a person there was a desire to meet them. Maybe have a great conversation. Never, however, was it to the extent of what I'm feeling now. I am not sure if it's because my initial exposure to my obsession was triggered by a live performance which seems to put them on a more reachable level, or if I can relate more to them (doubtful) than the other things I've become fixated on. I want to see them again. I find myself looking up information for festivals that they will be attending. I want to take a class taught by them. I want to learn their craft in order to be able to talk shop. No concert seems too far away. Soundtracks they have contributed to become much more appealing. It's obnoxious.

But what's the difference? Wanting to follow them around on tour is intense, yes. However any given super fan with enough money can say that they have done this at some point. (Money is the true reason I haven't toppled over the deep end.) I want to hang out outside the venues they play at in order to possibly have a shot at a spontaneous picture and meet-and-greet. This, I have found, is something that has been done by their fans before and something that they are more than tolerant about. These guys have even put a spark back in my desire to date a brilliant musician, even though I know I'll most likely be widowed to their craft in the end. (This, I know, is where we start dancing along the borders of creepy. I'm not practicing signing my name with theirs or anything like that. It can be any musician, not just these guys. I just want to be that close to someone that driven and brilliant.) I have a sudden desire to find out everything I need to know about camping and attend music festivals. I just want to experience the music in any way I can. A fan of any genre of music, let alone the band itself, would want to experience as much. So where is the line drawn? I'm not writing letters to them, begging for their attention. I can even resist the urge to send them multiple tweets. There is no desire to surprise them at home. All of the information that I seek out, (interviews, music videos, and documentaries) are things that they put on the internet (sans a few fan posted performances) for people to find.

They are inviting me into their craft. Not their life personally, per se, but the life that they have built around what they do for a living. I'm just taking the invite and running with it. Like a cheetah. I just wonder if I've gone too far. Farther, I'm sure, than anyone I know would deem healthy, but everything I have done is open for the general public to do. Nothing was hacked for me to get my facts. In most, if not all, of these cases I am not alone in seeking things out. I may be the only one going after all of it this intently and all at once.

I don't know why I pounce so fiercely. I have no idea why the minutiae of these guys are so important to me. All I know is that it is. It is the object of my desire. Being fueled by their music is what I want. The feeling that things make more sense with their music in my life makes me eerie. The feeling obviously isn't much of a deterrent. It hasn’t slowed me down at all, actually. I'm going to ride this out to the end. I never have before worked to quell the desire once it starts and I have no intention to start now. I'm interested to see how long this carries on. All in all though, I still stand by thinking on myself only as a super fan.