Floundering

Maybe it's just that I feel overwhelmed. Maybe I'm just confused. I'm not sure. All I can say is that I don't want to do it alone. I desperately want for some one to hold my hand. I want them to tell me what to do.  I want them to walk me through it all the while telling me that everything is going to be okay.

But I can't have that.

No one is going to get me through this but me.

My fear is not knowing how to avoid giving into my fears that cause me to fail. My hang-ups are not being able to see even a glimmer of a path to my future happiness. My pathetic desires are to be able to stay in bed under the covers until the process is done and everything is perfect.

I know I'm full of excuses.  I know my desires of not wanting to move forward until I can see the complete path are foolish. I'm scared, of life, or living. I don't know.  I just know I'm terrified. I'm someone who was supposed to have it figured out and I keep coming up with blanks. "So smart," yet I can't figure out how to stop wasting it. I just. Don't. Know. What. To do. I don't know.