Not meant to live like this.

So guess who's going crazy in her current living situation? I'll give you no guesses and just tell you it's me. I'm going nuts. Every once in while it hits me that I don't like the fact that all of my stuff seems to always be climbing the walls of my living space. I can hear it now, "get rid of some things." Before I state the expected "it's not that easy," (expected because I've inherited a pack rat gene) I'll explain some of my situation. Or all of it.

Now before I go into too much detail let me state that I am very pleased to have this opportunity to live with the family that has graciously opened their home to me. They have given me a break and I feel I'll never be able to repay them. In fact I feel like I've only really given them reason to regret letting me live here, but I digress. To say I like to be prepared is an understatement. My duffel bag purse is full of things that I don't necessarily need ever day, but might need. That goes for my living space as well.

I used to have an entire one bedroom apartment to myself. That was four rooms that I had places to put things. My kitchen held my dishes and what nots. My bathroom held cleaning supplies and medication. My bedroom was for my clothing and linens. My living room had my media and business items (i.e. computer, television, work tools). You wouldn't know this from the disarray that rules my life most of the time, but I like for things to have a place where they belong. I alphabetize my DVDs and CDs. There is somewhat of a pattern to my books, although it may be a loose pattern. I'm one of those who likes the silverware divider as opposed to dumping it all into the drawer. I had this going for me when I lived alone. For the most part, again I am not the neatest person.

Over the last five years my living situation has changed. I went from living by myself to living with my mother to share the burden of the bills. I'm a very "what's mine is mine" kind of person, so part of my ability to live completely across the place I called home started to diminish there. Instead of having my stuff all over the place they collected mostly in my room and certain spots in the kitchen. Then when I made another move to further my ability to save I went from sharing half of an apartment to living in a bedroom. I live in the bedroom with the expectation that it will not last forever. I have things that will help with the transition of living alone again.

I live in my bedroom with enough items to furnish two other living spaces. Tubs under my bed store things that could be stored in a bathroom. Nooks and crannies have my dishes and groceries. I mostly just miss having a kitchen. I have free range of the kitchen where I live, I just miss having MY kitchen. Dishes stacked up corners and my mug collection still packed in boxes has me feeling a little stir crazy. It's just that the way that I'm living has me feeling like the walls are closing in on me. To give up the stuff that I'm not using makes me feel as though I'm settling to mooch off my landlords forever. I've backed myself into a financial whole that I feel keeps me reliant on their hospitality. I'm fortunate that they have so much for me. I wish I didn't need it so much.