Rules for Survival

1) Don't be a creep, it's not nice

2) If you happen to not follow rule number 1 and you are a creep realize that if they start laughing at you... Beware! Chances are they know something you don't. Usually it's something that would hurt more to understand than to remain ignorant of.

Don't blame me.

I am into Pin-Up art. I love the artistry of the many artist. I love the fluidity of the body movement captured by oil paints on canvas. I love the life placed into the drawings. I love the story and evolution of the iconic pin-up girls, from the Armstrong girl to the Vargas girl. I love Pin-Up. The sexuality of it. The blithe and seemingly lithe qualities of it. I love the art of it. I know from experience that to deny the sexuality of it will turn me into the the-girl-who-denies-to-much. I also know that with the title "Pin-Up" comes the understanding of what some consider soft-core porn. That is not my problem.

Over the years Pin-Up has fascinated me. I couldn't truly tell you why without making myself look or feel bad. With everybody trying to place me under certain labels it was hard for me to stand by and express myself freely. Now that I have delved into the history of the art I find myself facing further scrutiny. Everyone has an opinion on everything. That doesn't bother me until I feel trapped. If I throw something in your face that you don't agree with it is your right to let me know.

Situation: I got a new book on the art of Gil Elvgren. I brought it to work. This book is believed to have 98% of his art compiled together. I took the dust jacket off to avoid and issues about the risqué art on the cover. The book without the dust jacket is black with only the title. I had someone take it upon themselves to open the book and flip through the pages. There was no time for me to explain what it was. There wasn't even time for me to warn about the nudity. They flipped through the book stopping to look at the nudes and giving their opinion. I later was given a talk about how in the future I shouldn't have that book or ones similar to it with me. Someone could take offense and report me.

Reflection: You took it upon yourself to peruse my private property. If you had left my things alone or looked only instead of touched, you wouldn't have known about the racier content (for the book was closed). This is not my fault. You cannot chastise me for something that you took upon yourself to indulge in without invitation. I feel that the advice that was given me was not earned. Instead I shall return the favor: in the future, do not take it upon yourself to go through things that do not concern you. If it isn't yours, leave it alone.

Situation: In the event of needing somewhere to send my items bought online, I have it sent to a friend's house who also happens to be the host of my weekly bible study. The person whose house it is does not mind the art. In fact her only request is that it is not flaunted in front for her son. As much I understand. My sole appreciation of the art of Pin-Up does not fall in the nudes. It is not my mission to sway the steadfast beliefs of the men of that house. Or even to trip them up. This is not for them, it's for me. I recently had two more books sent to their house. I left them both sitting on the the table where I'd removed them from their packaging. One of the other guest saw them, chose to pick up the book titled 1000 Pin-Up Girls, flip through it and cause herself to become angry. I then received a stern talking to about the objectification of women. How these images were all there to give men a happy thought to masturbate to. How it belittled the motivation behind WWII and Vietnam war because the pin-up girls was chosen as a mascot of many troops and plastered on planes. Every argument I had was shot down. This person happens to be apart of a coalition to get women out of the terrible ring of prostitution. As much I was aware. She hates everything that stems the thought that the only thing that a woman can offer a man has to do with sex. That is an amazing thing to stand by. She has placed herself above all things that objectify women. She feels that the only image a Pin-Up girl can give is a sexual one. And yet, she still took it upon herself to open the book that clearly labeled itself for what it was. A walk through the top 1000 pin-up girls.

Reflection: You hate things that objectify women. You see something lying there that has every clue that it will go down an alley that you do not agree with. Do you leave it alone because it isn't yours? No, you take it upon yourself to start finding where you should point the blame. You then choose to not only, point premeditated fingers but to pick up the book to confirm if it is as awful as the title preludes. When it is, you are hyped up and ready to fight. I am thankful for the words of the young man originally accused for owning my books. After the person expressed the continued fact that the women are objectified by men, he states that some women chose to allow themselves to be objectified so the blame isn't all on men. I then remember words from a favorite movie of mine. "Since when is women simply a helpless animal?" We have just as much control over our lives as men do. Just because there are some that are lost in the thought that they are not worth anything, doesn't mean we are all confused about where we stand in the world. She hates that the book was about women selling they're body images, but she took it upon herself to look at the images. I did not shove it in her face. I merely forgot to put it away. If she feels so strongly about it, she should have left it alone. Do not rebuke me for having a part in the process of teaching girls that sex is their only image. Do not take it upon yourself to go through things that do not concern you. You looked at the book, took in it's title and immediately started forming your negative opinions on the subject. Then you got mad that the images in the book followed suit to what the term Pin-Up means to you. Don't get mad at me because you can't let sleeping dogs lie. If it bothers you so much, then by all means don't partake in it in any fashion. That means don't look at it, don't touch it, don't give yourself reason to talk about it. Translation: don't look at my books, don't touch them, don't fuss at me because you can't leave well enough alone.

Why do people feel the need to touch and remark. It isn't yours. Leave it alone. Leave me alone, unless I deserve it by shoving it in your face when you do not agree. If you can't handle it, keep your opinions to yourself. No one's asking you to undergo this great ordeal. If you want nothing to do with it...by all means LEAVE. IT. ALONE.

simple, silver circle

To many people it's just a ring. A ring that I wear everyday, without fail. A ring that I have worn since I was a sophomore in high school. Not in the least bit ornate, just a silver ring.

To me however it is a promise. A promise made before God, the witnesses in the church, and my family and friends. A promise that I will treat my fellow women with the utmost respect, that I will hold fast to greater virtues than my fellow man, and that I will abstain from sexual intercourse until I am married.

Any promise made comes with a cost. For in promising the last I made a vow to live my life alone and only pass through the most trivial of relationships. I made a promise that barred me against finding what I want because no one abstains from sex when they can find it anywhere. When 199 out of 200 girls are saying yes why waste time with the ones who are saying no? I heard of studies that say marriages where the people waited until after there vows to have sex usually end in affairs so the people can see what else is out there. A person can't even be said to have a friend of the opposite sex without people claiming that they are sexually active with one another. In a world where it is so common, how can a girl find someone who will rise above the rest.

You never see someone change their disposition so quickly as when you tell them no. I've had men ask me to go get a room after knowing me for twenty minutes. I've been propositioned twice without having even exposed myself. I've had a pending realtionship die in twleve hours. I've even had a guy congratulate me for my commitment one moment just to try to talk me out of it the next. But why would I want any of them to begin with? Why would I even bother to long for a man who has no respect for me? I don't. My anger comes from it constantly being the same problem. From being perceived as piece of meat and not getting any respect becaue so many women prior to me have allowed him to believe that this is the way it should be.

• I'm tired of living in a world where a guy get a pat on the back for disrespecting girl after girl.


• I'm tired of living in a world where women are the only ones held accountable for the amount of people with whom they had sex.


• I'm facing the fact that because I refuse to put myself out there that most men won't bother to waste their time with me.


• I'm facing the fact that since sex is the key to a good relationship in this world that the men who do bother with me won't stick around for long.

I'm trying to cope with being and staying alone, because even though I feel the full weight of this small, silver ring on my left hand I won't rescind my promise.

Another eventful day...yeah, I should be so lucky

Boredom.

Pull item out of the box. Make sure it is the correct item. Make sure the correct amount was sent. Check this product off a list of hundreds. Set it aside to be put on the sales floor. Next item.

Do this over and over again. Get interrupted by unimportant phone calls. Return to the checklist slightly irritated.

Boredom.

A customer. Try to take care of them as quickly and as cordially as possible. Attempt to return to the checklist.

Get interrupted by a solicitor. Realize that you are not in the mood. Wonder where a "NO SOLICITORS" sign would best fit in the window. They go away.

Boredom.

Return to the checklist with even less motivation. Dream about a dream job. Wonder why this job so completely unstimulating. Shrug yourself out of the should-of-could-of-would-of mind set and accept your job for what it is...

Boredom.

Intellectual...maybe

I have decided to follow the lead of my very best friend (who I look up to more than I will ever let him know) and contrive a reading list. I, however, am not going to read 50 books this year...not consciously. I came about my list in a very different way than my friend however. I am fairly certain that he sat down and carefully planned his. I was not so lucky. I went to Half Priced Books today with a thought to get my hands on one book: 1001 Arabian Nights. I didn't find it...not at Half Priced Books anyway...but, since I am a nerd, I cannot leave a book store empty handed. I went in for Arabian Nights and came out with others. Then promptly went to Barnes and Noble to continue my search for Arabian Nights...I found it and another. Some of the books are ones that I have read before. Others are ones that I know about from plays that I have done or movies that I have seen.
**While I was looking for books in Half Priced Books I couldn't find a few. When I was in Barnes and Noble I realized that I couldn't find that book because I was looking under the wrong author name...so I went back to Half Priced Books to find that book and ended up getting a three when I went in for one.

THE BOOK LIST

1. The Count of Monte Cristo (Complete and Unabridged) Alexandre Dumas
2. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams
3. The Arabian Nights Barnes and Noble Classics Edition
4. Wicked Gregory Maguire
5. Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister Gregory Maguire
6. Mansfield Park Jane Austen
7. Emma Jane Austen
8. Mirror Mirror Gregory Maguire
9. Pride and Prejudice Jane Austen
10. The Devil Wears Prada Lauren Weisberger
11. P.S. I Love You Cecelia Ahern
12. In Her Shoes Jennifer Weiner
13. Sense and Sensibility Jane Austen
14. Northanger Abbey Jane Austen
15. Persuasion Jane Austen
16. Lady Susan Jane Austen
17. Les Miserables Victor Hugo
18. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe Douglas Adams
19. Life, the Universe and Everything Douglas Adams
20. So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish Douglas Adams
21. Mostly Harmless Douglas Adams
22. Young Zaphod Plays It Safe Douglas Adams
23. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone J. K. Rowling
24. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets J. K. Rowling
25. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkahban J. K. Rowling
26. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire J. K. Rowling
27. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix J. K. Rowling
28. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince J. K. Rowling
    -though not until after I see the movie
29. Turning Tables Heather & Rose MacDowell
30. Shoots to Kill Kate Collins
31. Sinister Sudoku Kaye Morgan
32. An Abundance of Katherines John Green
33. Dead Witch Walking Kim Harrison
34. Guilty Pleasures Laurell K. Hamilton

I am about to discover it what I always believed is true: The book is always better. As a lot of my books have movie adaptations.

We can't all have our very own Edward Cullen.

So last night I went to see Twilight...of course being me I saw it after dark and decided to walk home -alone- afterwards. The dark doesn't scare me because I believe the light is just as dangerous. Whatever. I was already wrapped up in my thoughts as I (over)analyzed the movie on my way home. I managed to get what I have never achieved before. I was seriously hit on by a woman. That is not, by any means, what bothered me about my walk home. In fact it was a self-esteem boost if anything. What has me irked to the point that I decided to discuss this in a blog is the loser that tried, persistently, to pick me up as a prostitute. It is annoying because if anything I looked like was a space cadet because I was trying to walk down the center of the road while stopping every couple of yards to stare up at the few stars that you can see in the city. I'd like to believe that the "Come Screw me" sign that seems to be in neon green over my head was left at home that night. Apparently I was wrong. Before the movie, on my wait out of Barnes and Noble I guy asked for my number. Walking home a chick tries to pick me up and I end the it all with offer to "make a little extra" extended to me.

The biggest issue that I have with this incident is that it is reocurring. This is not the first time that a person has tried to pick me up as a prostitute. Granted that the first time it happened I owned up to the fact that I placed myself in that situation by walking outside alone after 1am. Especially since I am already know my knack for attracting creeps. The ones who don't want to take me to a movie, just a hotel room. Who don't want to get to know me, just my bedroom. The whole thing gets old after a while. I no longer trust any man that tries to even half way sweet-talk me. As far as I'm concerned the ones bold enough to approach me aren't the ones that I want. This is where my own personal catch-22 comes into play.
---I can't trust the ones who approach me. I've been rejected before and therefore won't approach the ones I want.

Whatever, I'm moving on. I'm not analyzing the stupidity of y-chromosomes that choose to approach me.

don't let it consume you

For the last year and a half I have been told over and over again not allow my money issues to consume me. I, however, didn't know any other way to go about it. I'm 20 years old and live in America where credit is everything. At the rate I am going I would be fortunate if someone allowed me to rent a cardboard box in the future. First I have to say exactly how everything got so screwy.

I went to school.


Funny how trying to better myself is the reason that I am screwed almost to the point of no return. I decided to continue in my education and in doing so I created a cluster fuck of debt and monetary responsibities that I cannot handle. I particularly love the way it all happened. I went to the University of Tulsa, finally ran out of money and had to look for more loans on top of the three that I already had out. I couldn't get one and was promptly kicked out of school.



It was because I had no money that I left school. I have no money. None. Of course the people have to be paid. I was home and left to my self-pity for three months before I received a threat that my balance was about to go into collections. Fantastic. Then I had all of the loan companies that had given me money to first go to school trying to get their money back. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I didn't see this coming. It was just really overwhelming and each time I got a letter letting me know exactly how much money I didn't have I was told to not let it get to me. At the time that didn't seem plausible. It was after all my credit on the line.



Things started to look up when, after three months of looking, I finally found a job. Then with a steady paycheck I was able to set up a payment plan with the school and give them an automatic $250 that came out of my account each month for a year. Nice right? Wrong. In all this greatness I got my own apartment and decided to pick up a few more bills. Meanwhile the loans that I left to themselves decided to at last come after me. I am about to single handedly default on three loans all at once. Then I had to think about the ending balance for the school. Yes, giving them $250 a month is fine and dandy but once the year is up they want the remainding balance in one lump sum payment. Which mean: another loan. I couldn't get a loan when I was at school with them and with recent events of both of my credit cards going into collections (both my fault, I am aware) and not being able to pay back the loans that I currently have out. I'll be fortunate if a friend loaned me a dollar cash from here on out. All of this and

I am not supposed to let it get to me? Yeah right.


To top it all off I got a letter yesterday telling my that I missed a payment for the TU. It comes out of my account automatically, how did I miss a payment? I thought the money was there. Upon checking my balance before and after the scheduled withdrawal there was a considerable amount taken out. Now, I have to call the bank. I got the letter telling me that they would try to get the amount on the 20th, yesterday, the day I got the letter. That gave me no time to prepare and I know that the money isn't in there now. Which means: a NSF charge. Fantastic. Funny though, when I read that letter it was the first time something about my money issues didn't make me almost cry. Maybe I am no longer letting it get to me. I just have to accept that my credit is screwed.

Addictive Personality

I find that I have a serious issue with addictions. If it isn't to my friends or the internet then it's to people who I will possibly never get the chance to meet. I consider my addiction a response to me just being plain lonely at times. It is going to look bad, but I mean, it's not that bad. I mean I'm not stalking anyone...unless internet stalking counts. If it does, fair enough, but first you must tell me what the heck actually is internet stalking. But I digress.

I went through a phase where I was needing to be distracted by something...anything. I couldn't face my thoughts because I was dealing with the latest bout of depression. I've gone from hitting the caffeine to popping headache meds in order to get through my caffeine withdrawal.

Anywho, the first was the Jonas Brothers. I fell in love with their song "When You Look Me in the Eyes." I was hooked on them. I couldn't even find a reason. I just wanted to figure out a way to get to know them. But they didn't cause as much issue as the later obsessions. I listened to their music, bought the CDs and did a little internet looking to find some extra info about them. Only a little. I just enjoyed them. They fascinated me...and I thought Kevin was cute. Alright, alright, I gushed over them. Did what every other teenage girl did and got flutters when I thought about them.

But it passed, thank the Heavens.

While the Jonas's did cost me a little bit of my dignity because of the lack of control I felt concerning them, that addiction pales in comparison to my addiction/obsession with *sigh* the Harry Potter cast. They snuck up on me and before I knew it I was all about them. I have no idea how it happened. I remember only wanting to watch the Harry Potter movies. Then I was suddenly really fascinated in Alan Rickman's character choices. The man is amazing. (Matthew Lewis thinks so too.) Since I am a fan of ginger-heads I had a major crush in the Phelps Twins. They are amazingly beautiful men. (I do know that they are in fact not ginger-heads at all.) I found that I like them a lot better when they are natural with their brown hair. (Which is so dark brown that I thought it was dyed.) Once I started looking for interviews of theirs, I stumbled across one with the James and Oliver, Katie Leung, and Matthew Lewis (the breath-takingly gorgeous Matthew Lewis). From there everything Ping Ponged. In looking up an interview for one person I find an dual interview and from there I start looking up another person. It spiralled out of control until I finally found myself indulging in interviews with Emma Watson, Rupert Grint (an actual ginger-haired stud...you can believe I'm crushing on him hard), and Daniel Radcliffe. Naturally the supporting actors and actresses don't have as many video interviews. This thing has bit me hard. I felt like I was in love. I would go to work then suddenly find myself smiling at something said in an interview. This happened a lot. I was constantly thinking about them as if they were people that were in my face, people that I dealt with on a personal level. I looked them up on the net during my lunch. I had them on the brain at all times.

I even ended up analyzing them. I found that I can only watch interviews with Rupert Grint if they are asking him legitimate acting questions. Otherwise he averages about three "I don't knows" a question. Then the interviewers start to get snippy with him and it makes me angry. Daniel is extremely funny and very witty. I, however, am a huge fan on Matthew's wit and *gushes* I can't get enough. I enjoy the way he dodges questions that could get him in trouble if answered the wrong way. I watch some of his interviews two or three times over and still laugh just as hard. I love Emma Watson's grace in the way that she politely ignores stupid questions. I even enjoy that Oliver Phelps is soft-spoken at times. I hate how some people make them [the Phelps Twins] perform as if it is their divine right to get a private show. Being the kind men they are they just politely comply. It bugs me that they are put in that awkward situation.

But Rupert. I enjoy him. He doesn't have the answers to stupid questions automatically on tap in his mind (to questions like "if you could invent a plavor of ice cream what would it be?). I love it because at the same time he isn't going to go straight for the answer that you want to hear. How many actors are brave enough to do that? Not many, they are afraid of losing their fan base. (A genuine fear to have, I know.) He is in one of my favorite movies. Well actually he is in six (and counting) of my favorite movies, but Driving Lessons is freaking brilliant. Julie Walters and Laura Linney are amazing. I am hoping to figure out a way to see Cherry Bomb when it comes out.

I have never before followed a actor, singer, movie, or even a song this closely. I used to just stumble across it whenever I stumbled across it. Now I'm looking ahead to the when they happen. How did I get like this? One crush on two guys and now I can't get over any of them. Heck. In this long entry alone I didn't even mention the others. That ping pong bounce around them that landed me to Daniel has a lot more steps then I let on. It went something like this:

• look up interviews for the Phelps twins, found interview with them, Katie Leung and Matthew Lewis, another with them and Matthew Lewis
• look up interview with Matt Lewis, found one w/ her and Katie Leung
• look up Katie Leung, found some interviews
• look up Tom Felton, only found the interview with the Slytherins
• looked more for him, found two maybe three others, got annoyed
• looked up Alan Rickman, got a few interviews
• looked up Imelda Staunton, didn't stay on her for long
• looked up Bonnie Wright...moved on quickly (no offense)
• looked up Gary Oldman, found interview with him and David Thewlis
• looked up David Thewlis, found out he wrote a book
• revisited some searches of Lewis, Phelps, and Felton
• looked up Jason Isaacs, found a good one
• looked up interviews of Emma Watson, on the Rupert Grint, and finally Daniel Radcliffe
• listened to a couple Watson interviews
• got annoyed with Grint interviews
• got into Radcliffe interviews
• looked up Radcliffe interviews about December Boys and Equus
• revisited old searches of others
• looked up Grint interviews about Driving Lessons
• stumbled across a press conference
• looked up Harry Potter press conferences
• and so and so forth

I am sure that there are a few steps that I missed. This was a process that took me three weeks to go through. I lost sleep over this...a lot of sleep. I was consumed by it. It was all I wanted to do. It was the first thing that I did when I got home at night. I think I can breathe now,that the worst has passed. Of course not before I bought Driving Lessons, Ballet Shoes and December Boys. No one knows the extent of what this was to me...and they probably never will.

So that's it

He loves me after five hours and refuses to let me go by the time we are done with the night. He was all for making me see how we could love each other. Right.

His faults:

• he doesn't respect my "no" (if you can't stop when I ask/tell you too then I can't trust you)
• he's aggressive (first day meeting, you love me? want to get married? have children? what the hell?)
• he thinks that all guys who befriend females are trying to have sex with them, and if not are gay (granted this may be true for some but definitely not all. he called my best friend of ten years, who is a male, gay--major fuck up)
• he thinks very highly of himself and has no problem letting me know...over and over and over again (sometime you have to be still and let your light show. translation: stop telling me how good you are and just show me. I'm not a total bitch, I want you to be confident, just not full of yourself)
• even though I ask for time to get used to a possible relationship between us he still wants to force on the physical affection. basically he was trying to have sex with me (in what I think he thought was a subtle way)
• he wants to have children, correction: he wants me to have his children...enough said (maybe not if you not know me. basically, I don't)

These are the reasons that I was uncomfortable with our pending relationship. And he didn't end. Kept professing his love, and his wanting me to have his children. So I decided that this wouldn't work. I decided to not wait any longer but to phone him and let him know. However, when I tried to talk to him he doesn't want to listen. Just gives up. Yeah, never gonna let me know, my ass. I knew he was full of shit.