Gotta find something... no, there it is

I should be in bed. I went to a movie with a friend and it gave me a bit of a boost. Between having seen that movie before and not getting enough sleep pretty much all week, I ended up taking an hour long nap. Afterwards I had to sit there and try to figure out how to rehydrate my eyes. All is well. And irrelevant.

I waited until the very last minute to get my album returned to B&N. I had an extended amount of time due to buying it around the holidays. Thinking it was more than enough time, I kept putting it off. I literally waited until the very last day of the extension to remember to take it back. At least I didn't forget it entirely.

I don't have a good transition for this next topic. We'll just say I'm discussing my day. Anywho, a downside of not living alone*: I feel the urge to indulge in music at the oddest times. Like now. Very late in the evening. I've also woken up very early in the morning (like 5 AM, early) and had a sing off with myself. I won every singing competition EVER that morning. Back to now. Everyone else has gone to bed. The person that shares a wall with me, a thin wall with me, has to get up early in the morning. Fortunately, deep sleepers are not scarce here. I'm in my room with an album playing. An album that only stirs in me the desire to sing along. At a range that means I have to sing louder to get the song out properly. I am a bit obnoxious in that way.

I often have dreams of being more musical than I am. I have dreams about going to parties that have sing-alongs. Being in a room with other musically inspired people playing the guitar. Accompanying each other. Different dreams feature a pianist. Sometimes I'm the pianist. I once had this elaborate dream that involved me having a troubled child that was at his most calm only when he sat on the piano bench with me for hours listening to me play. It got him through his troubled teens. I'd listen to the radio and play along to give my skills a healthy flex. Even once he became an adult, our hours of sitting next to each other while I played the piano were frequent and sometimes the only way he could rationally think through his problems. He was a serious mama's boy and I was pretty skilled in that dream.

There is one dream where I was not Sara Bareilles, but in her shoes in the process of working out one of her songs. I've had the lounge singer dream. Soulful music coming from the band behind me. Even if people weren't enthralled by my singing, I was always far too wrapped up in the song to notice. In real life, music is with me when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. Like reading, it has the power to transport me to other places. Nothing has the power to calm me down or amp me up like music. It's my all time favorite thing in the world, second only to laughing.

Hmm. That was a roundabout entry for me to get my bearings to gush about my love for music.

*I realize I say I'm discussing my day then move right into a broad subject of simply being me.

I said that things may not go smoothly

I feel that with my computer being seven years old, that we may not make it together to the end of this year's project. Right now, as I try to type this it is lagging behind me because it's spending two minutes to open it's own files. I'm trying to clear up space by deleting unnecessary items from my download folder. Talk about frustrating. First she doesn't respond.* Then she decided to be overly sensitive and copy some items because I wasn't careful enough in lifting my finger as I tried to highlight items. Then something I did almost published this post when I wasn't done writing it. I have no idea what that was.

My iTunes isn't working. I'm about to be in my third time installing it to see if I can do something about that. This, of course, happens right when I get a voucher for two free downloads. A little bit frustrated about that. I have things to do and the words "Not Responding" and I are becoming old friends. I see them so often, I might as well take them out to dinner. I should go to school for working on computers because not knowing what to do when you gateway to the internet craps out on you can be is the height of frustration.

iTunes installer is "Not Responding." The day this poor computer stops coming on may be drawing closer to me than I would like to believe. I'm feeling so defeated right now. Now I'll have to find something to extol tomorrow. Just because I needed to have a moan today.


*My computer is a girl. Her name is Shelley.

Down and then up

Yesterday I decided to be confrontational without actually facing the person. I've been told that I need to be more confrontational at times. Sara Bareilles' Brave was totally calling me out with John Mayer in the background telling me to say what I need to say. Not really, though it feels that way. Anywho, yesterday I was bitter and angry. Now I have to pay it forward and find something that makes me happy and gush about it.

Tonight I spent the with my mother and sister. It was the final tutoring session for math. My mother's final is tomorrow. She made spaghetti whilst my sister and I acted ridiculous. We talked about the work. I tried to convince my mother that I pierced my nose in spite of that not being conducive for me keeping my job. As the night progressed I found myself reenacting a slow-mo dance sequence from Dirty Dancing with my mother. Later my sister and I threw a concert singing along to Motown hits. This was the ongoing sideshow to me double checking the work my mother knows how to do.

What's more, I was able to share my current obsession. YouTube. I forced them to watch twins high-fiving each other just because I found it funny. Then I went on to watch way too many videos and almost had my sister committed to watching daily vlogs. I told her not to because it's a whole that you'll fall into and never get out. It was a good night, full of dancing, great food and better laughter.

Disappointment

We all have to deal with it. It's a part of life. Some people handle it swimmingly. Others not so much. I'm in the latter group.

I'm not good at having things go the way I pictured. While I can't say that I've dealt with this all of my life, I can say it's been one of my issues for a while. From not handling college they way I thought I could to not getting the jobs I want, I tend to sink pretty deep into my head when I fail.

It isn't that I don't like trying for things. I understand that working for something makes you appreciate it more. I do, however, find it hard to be motivated at times when the odds are too high against me. There was a different general message I was trying to deliver but I distracted myself with an earlier comment. So instead allow me to directly attack something else.

Since I was too lost to properly motivate myself through college, I hate to hear people say that college isn't worth it. All I wanted was to graduate from college. Maybe not all. I wanted training for a career. I wanted the college experience. I wanted the ability to live up to the "potential" I showed in high school. Wanted? I want those things. I understand that you can go to college and feel it's a waste when you find yourself working grunt jobs with thousands of dollars in debt to show for it. I don't feel that way. Sure the debt is daunting. For someone who feels like she failed, I don't want to hear people who made it saying that it doesn't mean anything.

So, some context for my rant. I recently heard a conversation between a college grad and a soon to be high school grad. The high school grad was excited about the new things to come, specifically college. Just happy to be moving on with their life and getting out of the nest to experience new things. The college grad, bogged down by their own lost feeling through college, let the soon to be freshman know that college wasn't worth it. Just a waste of money really. I was infuriated. Part of my anger was to one of the things I hated the most was people loading me down with everything that could go wrong as if I wasn't already nervous about life changing. The other part was that I failed where you succeeded. I tried, it was too hard and I came back with my tail between my legs with everyone who expected me to succeed looking on in disappointment. I didn't make it. You did. You persisted and graduated. Why did you work so hard for something that wasn't worth it? It's gotten to a point that I may forever be too afraid to try again because I can't find a definitive path that will keep me focused and motivated. That isn't your problem. YOU GRADUATED!

I, the one with all of the potential, failed. You, the college graduate, struggled yet made it through to graduation. It's not worth it? We could trade places, as no one appreciates a victory as much as the loser. In the meantime, please refrain from crapping all over the happiness of someone who is excited about their future.

What was I talking about?

When we left off yesterday I was having difficulty discussing my over-attachment to people and their content on YouTube specifically. Let's dive into that.

I am going to zero in on one example to keep my true crazy withheld for a moment longer. There is a creator on the Tubes that comes out with weekly videos to keep people posted on the progress he is making on his series. I love his series. I also think this creator is hella cool. His opinion is something I find truly fascinating. I am hoping, once he wraps up his series, he continues giving said opinion on various other things in the world. It would be something I would continue to show up and watch.

That being said, let's move on to the nitty gritty. The recent changes in YouTube is apparently making it harder for some creators to succeed. The thought process coming at him from so many different angles had him thinking that maybe he should change things on his channel to keep up. Which boiled down to either eliminating or limiting my access to his witty commentary. This, as I'm sure can be guessed, is something that I can not stand idly by and allow. Obviously if he really wanted to give up he could. Fortunately, he put it to a vote to his audience. Unfortunately, my perusal of the comments only brought me more dread as I saw comment after comment of "go ahead and stop."

This is where my attachment comes into play. I felt my stomach sinking as he did his lead up speech of how he felt. For some reason the "I'm leaving YouTube" speech is always the same. No matter how happy the person starts off I can sniff it out a mile away. I don't know if it's because I become familiar with the person's mannerisms and that gives it away. Maybe it's the finality to everything they say that clues me in. He started that he didn't want to leave altogether, he just wanted to cut his updates and go back to only highlighting his series. Either way he was talking and I was cringing.

I pleaded in the most pathetic, albeit honest, way I could for him not to. I let him know how important his updates were to me. I reminded him that his fans would take care of the turnout. That all he had to do was the provide us the reason to run rabid and we wouldn't fail. I painted a picture of myself panic-stricken staring at my computer screen. What is worse, I walked around all day today worrying whether or not others had convinced him to cease and desist. I was convinced he would be swayed.

He wasn't. What's more he replied to me personally to tell me as much. It appears my mental image of me as a kicked puppy moved him to at least assure me that he would go on. Talk about gushing when I saw that response. He took the time to answer me. Told me that my response helped cement his feelings on the matter. He may have been joking, but it still meant a lot to me.

I love it when they respond. I equate it to going to a concert of your favorite band, reaching up towards them only to have them reach out and grab your hand. Deciding to acknowledge you out of the thousands of screaming fans surrounding you. He reached out and grabbed my proverbial hand, letting me know that I was an audience member that mattered. It's why I can't shake my over-attachment to YouTube. It is a different level of being a fan. There are relatable people doing things I find interesting. They are in places in the world that I can't imagine ever getting to, inviting me in to share. And as if being a fly on the wall in their life wasn't enough, occasionally a line of conversation is struck. All of a sudden you're conversing with these people you find interesting. Why not be a fan? I stay overly attached, thanks.

Attachment

I have an emotional attachment to several people that I don't even know. It's kind of crazy. Since I am so into media, I find myself drawn to creators of just about every kind.

So attachment. I may have mentioned that YouTube is something I indulge in way too much. Well the creators have me feeling all sorts of different emotions. I'm elated over one, saddened over another, worried for someone else, and can barely hide my excitement for yet another. These are different events in people's lives that I take on emotionally as if I am actually affected by them. I love every minute of it.

Being able to include myself in the cheering squad of someone's life is exciting. Whether it's encouraging someone while they struggle or laughing with them, I want to be apart of it. I'm having difficulty stringing my thoughts together. Maybe I'll go more into it another time.

And the worst family member award goes to...

ME.

My mother wanted me to watch my niece today. I told I would because she was asking me to, but also let her know that I didn't want to. Just wanted to make sure the record was straight. I just don't have the enthusiasm to handle children, related or otherwise. Unless they are infants. I can deal with infants all day.

One of the reasons I wanted to not have any obligations today is that I was sleepy. As I said yesterday, I feel tired all of the time. Today wasn't any different. Since it was half day, I fully intended on rectifying that. I came home, ate a lot and promptly went to sleep. Then since things are changing in my house, I was woken up by someone getting a tour of my room before my landlady realized I was asleep in the middle of the afternoon. I should tell her sorry about that. Once things settled down again, I went back to sleep for a few hours more.

In the end I did not have to babysit. Events happened and everyone's schedule lined up. There wasn't a need for an intermediate stage of me watching her. Back to the bad family member thing. I am not really a team player sometimes. I feel as though I constantly need to worry about my own navigation through life. Therefore, I often forget that I'm in my family and that I should also keep them in mind. A qualm for not living with family or selfishness? Dunno. It happens a lot and for some reason I always feel blindsided when things are asked of me.

Either way my Saturday was spent the way I wanted. I may actually be well rested tomorrow. I won't count on it though.