Suicide...emotional, at least.

Love...irritating. From watching it to participating in it. All of it, from the love of hobbies and animals to the love of family. From the love of friends to the passionate love of a significant lover. Irritating. That is the way that I feel about it and therefore I am a glutton for punishment, for I continue to base my pleasures in life on the works of love.

When I was in middle school I made my first assertion on why I was afraid of falling in love. From the depths of my twelve or thirteen year old mind I pulled some of my first philosophical workings...or so I like to think.


"Falling in love is like jumping off of a cliff into the ocean. I'm afraid that I am going to make that jump and while I'm falling I'll find that there is no water to catch me. Instead all that is there is the ground." -younger me.


That was how I felt of love. How I still feel, only with more things accompanying. Love is amazingly self-serving and stupid. What a ridiculous concept to destroy yourself as you are (no matter how content) to add another set of opinions and objections. All of this while knowing that there is really no way to please the both of you (with compromise comes the inability to reach one's true happiness, so to live a life based on compromise is depressing). Yet, as a human we want someone to be there and support us. To have someone in our corner to understand and show us that we are not alone. We are willing to reach for this fairy tale companion ship and to receive every forthcoming nightmare that rides on the prospect of idea of being in this "next" stage of life.


The next "stage," a new "level." The insanity of it is absolutely preposterous. Nothing is able to stay the same. From mannerisms to ideas of life. The paths that one had once decided to walk upon are all of sudden unimportant. The rules of the society forces upon us the notion that one must forget themselves and take to this other. But what happens if the only one forgetting is you? What happens if your attempts to do as much are disregarded? If you chose because society said you should...and now your choice is proving to be the biggest trial and error of your life? What then? Pick up and go again? Find the self you abandoned to be who you are now? Or just find that there are no rebates, that you are stuck with where you are and what you've got?


We do all this for love. Endure change, sacrifice, all for the hope that it is worth it...not guarantee, hope. There isn't much left in the world that we would do that for, especially in today's instant gratification society. What a thing to waste life on, to fear, to partake in. How do I know this? I might not have been in love, but I have loved to the point of obsession. I chase love. Chase it to beyond the point of logic. Even when I know that it isn't good for me, espectially when it isn't good for me. The obsession, the want to be with them, for them, plan my entire life around them regardless the lack of good that will do for me. I've been there. With friends, with family. I can only imagine what will come of me when the love that "One" is what's driving me. Everything I loathe, everything I resent will be exactly the path I walk down because of love. I may not have been "in love" but I have loved and the whole concept is stupid.


Love is emotional suicide.

How many of me...

A few years back I went to Howmanyofme.com to see how many people have my name. Well, I was told that there were two. Just two. And I was excited to hear it. I mean, with my spelling it's more unique...with the last name not being hispanic.

My best friend is the first thing that comes up when you type his name in Google. I wanted to see exactly what came up when I google'd me. I am very dissapointed to find that there are at least four other people with my name. Go figure. Between this site, Facebook.com and Myspace I am doing more than dabbling in the internet...how ever the only thing that comes up of me is an article in the city newspaper that mentioned me. Something about some play I did when I was in high school (don't get me wrong, it is one of my shining moments). It's the seventh thing that comes up. What I find funniest is that a sublink to one of my friend's facebook page comes up but not mine.

I guess it makes me happy that I am not that easily tracked down...not that anyone is looking.

I stand corrected...

but this will probably be the only time, so the percentage of this occurrence is just about non-existent.

I prefer the movie The Devil Wears Prada over the book. This has never happened to me. I am the first to contest to the book always being better. Always. However, even though the drama was jam-packed with amazing adventures - things that could not have been portrayed on the big screen without boring the audience to tears - the shortened and tweaked story line of the movie is slightly more enjoyable.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the book. It's just that a story about people not supporting your fight for success, a best friend developing into a raging alcoholic, and everyone everywhere swearing that they understand but refuse to lighten the guilt trips is borderline un-enjoyable in book format. I will give the writer kudos to the scene where Andrea quits. Actually saying "Fuck you, Miranda. Fuck you." followed by stating that she was done and topping it off with Miranda's famous, "That's all." Fan-freaking-tanstic! I do enjoy the book showing a slight companionship between Andrea and Emily, more detail on the ridiculous tasks Miranda assigns, and better look into Andrea's personal life. Though the movie wins me over in the end with an absence of Andrea's smoking habit, more Nigel, less friend drama, Christian being a debonair saint and less of an arrogant jerk, Miranda's job not being threatened, and Andrea learning how to dress herself (she never quite figured that out in the book).

In the end - and I can't believe I'm saying it - the movie wins.

Customer Service Sucks

When will people realize that when you are nice the person doing you a favor, you will get more out of that favor?

I witnessed it today. A person comes into a store and wants the manager to honor a price that was mistakenly placed on the box. It's funny how quickly someone finds the limits to their authority when you piss them off. My manager had all the knowledge and authorization needed to help the customer. However, the more she bitched the more things he realized he just couldn't do.

Believe it or not, the customer service reps want to help you. Without you we have nothing to do. It's when you take out your anger with the company on us that we lose interest in anything you need. We are not trying to piss you off. We are human and make mistakes...we aren't trying to steal your money. I'll one up this:

I am not trying to piss you off. (Until you piss me off, then I don't give a damn.)

I am not trying to steal your money. (I am a human who makes mistakes. It is possible to miscount.)

I would love to help you, but stupid people make me angry. When I'm angry you are not what I care about.


Moral: Be nice to the customer service rep and you just might get what you need. Piss off the customer service rep and you will lose.

simple, silver circle

To many people it's just a ring. A ring that I wear everyday, without fail. A ring that I have worn since I was a sophomore in high school. Not in the least bit ornate, just a silver ring.

To me however it is a promise. A promise made before God, the witnesses in the church, and my family and friends. A promise that I will treat my fellow women with the utmost respect, that I will hold fast to greater virtues than my fellow man, and that I will abstain from sexual intercourse until I am married.

Any promise made comes with a cost. For in promising the last I made a vow to live my life alone and only pass through the most trivial of relationships. I made a promise that barred me against finding what I want because no one abstains from sex when they can find it anywhere. When 199 out of 200 girls are saying yes why waste time with the ones who are saying no? I heard of studies that say marriages where the people waited until after there vows to have sex usually end in affairs so the people can see what else is out there. A person can't even be said to have a friend of the opposite sex without people claiming that they are sexually active with one another. In a world where it is so common, how can a girl find someone who will rise above the rest.

You never see someone change their disposition so quickly as when you tell them no. I've had men ask me to go get a room after knowing me for twenty minutes. I've been propositioned twice without having even exposed myself. I've had a pending realtionship die in twleve hours. I've even had a guy congratulate me for my commitment one moment just to try to talk me out of it the next. But why would I want any of them to begin with? Why would I even bother to long for a man who has no respect for me? I don't. My anger comes from it constantly being the same problem. From being perceived as piece of meat and not getting any respect becaue so many women prior to me have allowed him to believe that this is the way it should be.

• I'm tired of living in a world where a guy get a pat on the back for disrespecting girl after girl.


• I'm tired of living in a world where women are the only ones held accountable for the amount of people with whom they had sex.


• I'm facing the fact that because I refuse to put myself out there that most men won't bother to waste their time with me.


• I'm facing the fact that since sex is the key to a good relationship in this world that the men who do bother with me won't stick around for long.

I'm trying to cope with being and staying alone, because even though I feel the full weight of this small, silver ring on my left hand I won't rescind my promise.

Another eventful day...yeah, I should be so lucky

Boredom.

Pull item out of the box. Make sure it is the correct item. Make sure the correct amount was sent. Check this product off a list of hundreds. Set it aside to be put on the sales floor. Next item.

Do this over and over again. Get interrupted by unimportant phone calls. Return to the checklist slightly irritated.

Boredom.

A customer. Try to take care of them as quickly and as cordially as possible. Attempt to return to the checklist.

Get interrupted by a solicitor. Realize that you are not in the mood. Wonder where a "NO SOLICITORS" sign would best fit in the window. They go away.

Boredom.

Return to the checklist with even less motivation. Dream about a dream job. Wonder why this job so completely unstimulating. Shrug yourself out of the should-of-could-of-would-of mind set and accept your job for what it is...

Boredom.

Of all the things to interrupt my sleep...

why does it have to be stupidity? Well, actually the initial issue was a woman's inconsiderate decision. She got on the bus and decided that she wanted to make the bus driver's efforts of warming the bus completely moot by opening a window. Gee, thanks. And here I was thinking that I could make through one trip without my feet feeling like ice. She, however, was not the problem. They came when she got off the bus. The men who took her place were stupid. As I sit in the back of the bus -on one of the two seats that face the aisle- a man sits across from me. Following him are two other men who decided to sit on the very last seat that stretches across the entire back of the bus. The one across from me pulls out a black and mild -I thought that he had broken it and was going to try and repair it...I was wrong. He proceeds to empty out the contents in order to replace them with marajuana. Oh, goodie. I'm sitting in the middle of a drug deal. Then to completely display their stupidity they then go about asking each other the prices that they sell their cheese and wondering if each other are on pills because they can, and I quote, "get them any time whenever they want." Of course there always has to be one bigger idiot of the group. The man in the corner across from me had on swim goggles and was tweaking. He spent the entire ten minutes that they destroyed my morale with their presences switching back between rapping and speaking a monologue with barely enough space to breathe. Talking about how one of his dogs killed his cat, about the color of his dog, about wanting a new cat, about trying and not succeeding to pick up girls at a mall, and he kept trying to locate a mall where he can do whatever (probably deal drugs). All of this was background noise while his friend -the one with the marajuana- tried to make conversation with me. I don't want to talk to you, you're just as stupid as your friend.

Losers, they always flock to me.