I want to take on other's talents

I do this thing where I constantly wish I was better at things. Where I wish I had more talent? Where I compile lists of things I wish were better about myself? Whatever. I'm passionate about a lot of things. In the definition for Nerdfighteria, I am a nerd because I get excited about things and am not ashamed. In my excitement I always wish I can see the things I love in myself. This is a never ending pattern. I go to a concert and wish I could play an instrument. I go to a movie and miss my acting days of high school.


In the end I have this list of things that I am in constant want of doing.

-learn to play guitar
-learn to play piano
-be a better bike rider
-learn to skateboard
-build a record collection
-be more active
-travel

Even as I type this list I'm sitting here wondering why can't I do all of this? I have a guitar. I just need to practice. I can't commit to piano lessons until I can play more than four chord progressions on guitar, but I can get there. I want a bike and already know how to ride one. Riding frequently improves my abilities so there is that. I'm eyeing a skateboard on Amazon.com, I just have to purchase it. My record collection doesn't have to happen overnight. I have time to work on that. Then being more active is just me getting off my butt, i.e. riding a bike, learning to skateboard or walking.

I've found myself constantly asking what it is I am waiting for to start living my life. I don't have an answer, but I feel like I'm still waiting for it. That has to change.

Sad Shadows

I've fallen into the pit of despair that is only brought on by being a woman. To say I lacked enthusiasm in performing tasks today would be an understatement of epic proportions. My usual complaint of everything hurts is still as prevalent as ever. Both my hands and my feet are swollen. I must have eaten far too much salt in last few days. My throat is bugging me so much that my dream self croaks as she talks.

I'm just uncomfortable. I want a day where I can be stationary. The moment I wrote that sentence I realized how ridiculous it was. I just don't know what to do. I'm swollen, my feet hurt, I'm always tired, and everything is a mess. Whine whine whine.

Hopefully it'll be better after I get some sleep.

Monkey see, monkey do

Who says watching YouTube for hours is unproductive? What's that? Everyone who has the ability to be productive? Oh okay. I say it can be extremely productive. Well, not the stationary watching of bright screens. The looking into other people's life and being motivated part. I'll explain.

I have been going on and on and on and on about how I want to be more active. That didn't quite stem from me being too pudgy. It came from me watching others having fun and getting around in ways that required an elevated heart beat. Today, however, was the best example. I have been trying to do my laundry for two weeks. Pathetic, I know. I started it last week and took to long to finish causing myself to be ousted.

My continued avoidance of the task attributed to the chaos that is my room. I started my laundry again today. That is after I sat in bed until 1 in the afternoon. Then I went to a movie and continued to postpone finishing the job. Finally I loaded the last load into the wash and what happened? I forgot about it. What was all that chatter I was doing about YouTube? Oh yeah. Watching a YouTube video where a lady was discussing her difficulty staying on top cleaning tasks I remembered I'm still doing laundry. Thanks to her I may actually finish tonight. Yeah other people's productivity being my motivation.

I don't fare stupid well

I have difficulty working with people who I don't feel are intelligent. This is such a bad thing to state. Why is it that the moment you decide that you would rather an environment of competent people you become the opposite of a team player? Suddenly I can't be a go getter if I find it hard to look at someone I feel is stupid and keep working... Okay, I get that one, but it's the truth. I get extremely irritable when I find myself having to follow a bad leader.

With all of my issues in followship (which of course, is the opposite of the leadership) roles I'm beginning to thing that my problems just stem from my bullheadedness. I am so stubborn. I want to do things my way. I understand that there is a reason for things to be done a certain way. However, show me a way that makes little sense and I will either fight it or fight myself to keep from fighting it. Ridiculous, I know. It is a constant struggle for me to not be the most irritating person to work alongside.

I also have issues with being told to do something a certain way only for it to be changed at whim. Basically I'm just full of reasons to whine and complain. I should probably work on being a better me. Dang it. All of my complaints stem back to be not being a good enough person. Screw me and my logical thoughts about myself.

I just can't be bothered

I should make a list of all of the things I can't be bothered with. I've finally decided. I'm not lazy, I just can't be bothered to do anything. What can't I be bothered with?

• laundry
• cleaning my room
• removing month old toenail polish
• dishes

Basically everything that up to now I've been putting off doing. laziness? After I get off work the only thing that I want to do is lie around and eat. laziness?? A major problem (to say the least). It's like I want to wake up one day not only being more active, but also having the ability to be more active. Pipe dreams, I know. The only thing that inspires a sense of urgency from me is catching up on YouTube. This is why I am attuned to my potential of dying fat. Who knows, I may not be bothered to do that either.

Now is probably a good time for me to tackle this toenail issue.


Note to self: The reason you don't write entries after a few glasses of wine is it's too difficult to align your thoughts.

Sleep or swim

America day dawns. It makes me ridiculously tired and I am not even doing anything. Well, I am attending a party put on by my family. Not planning, not setting up or breaking down just attending and I feel more tired the more I think about it. I'm torn between sleeping through the day and taking advantage of the chance to swim.

I should be using tomorrow to take care of all that home life maintenance that I was going on about the other day. Yeah. All my fear of gaining a new identifer wasn't enough to actually invoke action from me. I still had to function outside of home causing me to back burner everything that was bugging me. Laundry still demands to be done. Trash still demands to be rounded up and removed. I may have even worsened my issues in a category or two. I.. uh... there's... well... *sigh*. I don't know.

On the plus side there's an episode of the Art Assignment on YouTube that has me wanting make a rug out of all of my old clothes. I think I'll just donate the things that can still be worn and have an arts and crafts project for the rest. First however I need to wash the clothes that are currently climbing my wall. I have so many things to do other than sleep. And yet it is always the number one thing I want to do.

New identifier? I hope not.

Yet another day of chronicling how sleep deprived I feel. I have a secret to beat this. Really I do. It's called getting more sleep. Yet for some reason I fight my sleep like 2 year old, violently and without reason. It seems the older I get the more I revert back to my preschool days. All of this, though, is neither here nor there.

Today is the launch of me wanting to be a less unhealthy me. The majority of which shall be documented elsewhere. It's time I showed myself that I can be what I want. I'm going to be a dragon. Hopefully I'll be a dragon that doesn't feel like she's become such a slob. My first line of business needs to be to restore my home situation.

I have times when I like to think I'm not as bad a homemaker as others I know. I always knew that things get messy but it was always under control. Usually. Right?

Okay, maybe not. Right now is a prime example. I don't know why my landlady hasn't laid into me about the state of my room. The thought just hit me as I was looking around, "since when do I live in my own trash?" It's gotten a little scary. If I walked into a friends house and it looked like my room does now I'd be hard pressed to touch any surface. I take out the trash only to find more. An empty wine bottle lays on the floor making me out to be a little overindulgent. Laundry climbs the wall and dishes lay around rinsed but in desperate need to be thoroughly washed. I am immunized to my own mess. I don't know if it's because I alone use my dishes allows me to just keep using the dirty ones or if I'm just a disgusting person. Perhaps both? All I know is that I really should do better.

The deciding factor was when I left a used napkin on the floor for two days. It was when the word slob finally started to feel like one of my identifiers. Talk about a wake up call. It has gone beyond being too tired to clean to being to lazy to aim two feet to the left. The only saving grace is that I don't have an otherworldly smell that is usually associated with this kind of disarray...

That I know of. Could I be used to it?..

Oh man, I have to clean my room.