Suicide...emotional, at least.

Love...irritating. From watching it to participating in it. All of it, from the love of hobbies and animals to the love of family. From the love of friends to the passionate love of a significant lover. Irritating. That is the way that I feel about it and therefore I am a glutton for punishment, for I continue to base my pleasures in life on the works of love.

When I was in middle school I made my first assertion on why I was afraid of falling in love. From the depths of my twelve or thirteen year old mind I pulled some of my first philosophical workings...or so I like to think.


"Falling in love is like jumping off of a cliff into the ocean. I'm afraid that I am going to make that jump and while I'm falling I'll find that there is no water to catch me. Instead all that is there is the ground." -younger me.


That was how I felt of love. How I still feel, only with more things accompanying. Love is amazingly self-serving and stupid. What a ridiculous concept to destroy yourself as you are (no matter how content) to add another set of opinions and objections. All of this while knowing that there is really no way to please the both of you (with compromise comes the inability to reach one's true happiness, so to live a life based on compromise is depressing). Yet, as a human we want someone to be there and support us. To have someone in our corner to understand and show us that we are not alone. We are willing to reach for this fairy tale companion ship and to receive every forthcoming nightmare that rides on the prospect of idea of being in this "next" stage of life.


The next "stage," a new "level." The insanity of it is absolutely preposterous. Nothing is able to stay the same. From mannerisms to ideas of life. The paths that one had once decided to walk upon are all of sudden unimportant. The rules of the society forces upon us the notion that one must forget themselves and take to this other. But what happens if the only one forgetting is you? What happens if your attempts to do as much are disregarded? If you chose because society said you should...and now your choice is proving to be the biggest trial and error of your life? What then? Pick up and go again? Find the self you abandoned to be who you are now? Or just find that there are no rebates, that you are stuck with where you are and what you've got?


We do all this for love. Endure change, sacrifice, all for the hope that it is worth it...not guarantee, hope. There isn't much left in the world that we would do that for, especially in today's instant gratification society. What a thing to waste life on, to fear, to partake in. How do I know this? I might not have been in love, but I have loved to the point of obsession. I chase love. Chase it to beyond the point of logic. Even when I know that it isn't good for me, espectially when it isn't good for me. The obsession, the want to be with them, for them, plan my entire life around them regardless the lack of good that will do for me. I've been there. With friends, with family. I can only imagine what will come of me when the love that "One" is what's driving me. Everything I loathe, everything I resent will be exactly the path I walk down because of love. I may not have been "in love" but I have loved and the whole concept is stupid.


Love is emotional suicide.