I don't suffer stupid well

Apparently I find it rather hard to deal with a person when I think they are stupid. As a sarcastic person I am not good at holding my tongue when I feel a person deserves a certain quip. Sometimes that habit may call for laughs. Other times it is completely inappropriate. Since I don't seem to have a way to withhold my reactions I am the perfect person to bully.

Bullies are always looking for a reaction. I must response to inflammatory comments. These things do not go together. It only makes for a loud argument. I know that I need to chill out sometimes. I get into a lot of fights because I don't take lightly to being mistreated. There may have been a time when I just rolled over. I wasn't always up for confrontation. I still am a chicken according to some people. Now, though, I am less passive and more aggressive.

The desire to say things back affects me in several different parts of my life. Sometimes I feel like there should be an aptitude test for people to talk to me. Which is a very rude thing to say, I am aware. When I was younger I remember that one of the things that I looked for in a man was that he needed to at least be as smart as me. Though I preferred that he be smarter. I just find it hard to have an intelligent conversation with someone.... I sound like a douche. Moving on.

I've said so in the past that situations become more dicey when people say stupid things to me. I don't handle it well. Arguments need to be logical or I just get angry. I need to reign it in because it isn't a professional way to handle things.

Why I shouldn't stay up late

Today was a difficult day. I felt like it took me until about halfway through the day to feel like I wasn't dragging. I was so tired though I did wake up eventually. With the drowsiness I also had a problem retaining information. For instance, I had a budding idea for today's entry and lost it. I decided to stay up later than my body wanted me to and now I can only think of the music I'm obsessed with and videos I just watched.

So let's talk sleep deprivation. I tend to have a lower tolerance for sleep deprivation that others I know. Lack of sleep is a guaranteed way to encounter a crabby me. I find I am happiest either well rested or caffeinated. It's a dark path me to go without sleep for too long. Not only that but I am much more easily confused. I know that every gets to this point with sleep deprivation, but I still feel that I'm more sensitive.

On more than one occasion I've woken up from a deep sleep (in a time where I wasn't getting enough regularly) and couldn't understand a simple task. Twice I fell asleep in the car and when I was woken up couldn't for the life of me remember how to work the power locks. I could only make sense of the windows but even that wasn't enough to let my family into the car. As soon as I'd hit the button I'd know it wasn't what I was aiming for and would roll the window back up. Helpful that. Not at all. Then after a moment of confusion I'd try to go back to sleep, not remembering why I'd been awakened. Which happened several times. It took my sister getting right up to the window and pointing at the button I needed to push (whilst yelling, "THIS ONE, RIGHT HERE") before I was able to let my family into the car.

Then there is the alarm clock situation. For the record I had hundreds of occasions of being brought back to consciousness with this alarm clock before any of the following occurrences. I was hit with a level of sleep deprivation that made it impossible for me to silence my alarm. None of the buttons made any sense to me. Snooze was especially confusing. I was turning the thing upside down ripping my hair out trying to figure out how to shut it up. I felt so helpless. Despite my previous experience, it was quantum physics and I was just learning that the plus sign meant addition. I've been told that withholding my sleep would be a true torture for me. Knowing how I am with only the pressure from me I'd be insane in a week tops if someone else was leaning on me.

Lesson kids: Get your sleep.

So tired

I heve a usual appointment with a friend. Every Thursday we hang you at their place and watch tv. I almost canceled due to inclement weather. Everything cleared up hours before we were supposed to get together so I decided there was not a need.

The problem is that I had no idea I was so tired. Here we are sitting at my friend's house and the next thing I know I'm knocked out. I end up falling asleep so deeply that when I wake up I've turned two seperate shows into one program with this bizarre plot that belonged to neither one. That took me about an hour to sort out.

It's always a bit disappointing to get that sleepy and that comfortable away from home. Well, it is for me anyway. When I start to fall asleep like that the only natural response for me is to go to bed. Something that I cannot do when I'm not at home. Waking up drowsy, in the middle of the night and realizing that a drive home is still necessary for settling down a tad frustrating. I spent an hour longer at my friend's house because they were too sweet to wake me. Then, of course, I needed to properly wake up. As driving sleepy is worse than driving drunk, I didn't want to navigate the ice while I was still groggy.

All in all I got home eventually. Now it's bed time. Nap at friend's house aside, I still only want to sleep.

Tough choices, or they were

I have a serious wanting things habit. I want things all of the time. Lots of things. According to a friend, I tend to have champagne taste on a beer budget. Go figure. Then of course there is my desire to own things coupled with my slow-to-spend attitude that sometimes makes me miss out on the things I want. This post just got hella confusing.

I wanted to go to a concert. There is a website that had some shirts that I want marked down. My watch needed a new battery. All of these things cost about the same. Around $30. I was willing to spend sixty (when I should be saving, I might add) but I couldn't get myself to spend ninety. So I need to make a decision. Would I get the concert ticket and enjoy some music? Should I go for the T-shirts that I've been drooling over for months now? The only definite purchase was my watch battery. I have to have a watch.

All of this back and forth proved to be pointless in the end. I waited too long to get my concert ticket and now the event is sold out. The genius is coming to town and I will have to let him pass through without enjoying his stay. I'm so bummed. Had I bought that ticket two months ago this wouldn't be a problem. Why didn't I buy the ticket? Silver lining can be seen as I do get to get the shirts now. In fact, I should buy them now before they get sold right out from under me. Meaning I should stop typing and get to purchasing. Like right now. I should stop wast.... oh.

So that's what people do with their days off?

I had a day where no one bugged me. A day off, basically. Sounds like a day in bed for me. Nope, today wasn't. What?!? Am I sick? Crazy? Not entirely ready to give up on life? No. Well, maybe the last one. Focus Jas.

I get the urge to go to the movies. When I was younger I practically lived in the movie theater. I would see at least two movies a week, sometimes two in a day. I decided to go to one movie every week last November. This, of course, making my desire to constantly see movies very persistent. Growing up slowed down my movie going. Today I found myself lacking the satisfaction a recent movie viewing grants me.

Look at that, I'm getting to a point. I wanted to go to a movie. Actually I wanted to go to two. I reminded my sister that we spoke about seeing Ride Along. She was game for seeing it still so we made it a date. Also, since I like to go to the movies in the middle of the day, I made plans to see That Awkward Moment at 11:15 AM. I let my sister know I was planning on seeing it as a way to explain why I chose the time for seeing Ride Along. She took my notice as an invitation and thus a sister day was born.

Instead of sleeping the day away, I was up and out of the house before the breakfast specials had their last call. My sister and I went to our first movie. It was delightful. With the hour we had in between movies, we ate lunch. That was delicious. Then it was time for round two. Ride Along, for the record, was funny and thoroughly enjoyed. After that my sister wanted to go and get her nails done. I sat and chatted her through her pedicure. We wrapped up the night with an hour long discussion of how to best tackle executing my mother's party. It was a discussion that ended exactly the way I expected.

All in all it was a good day. I enjoyed my day with my sister. Two movies in the bag and family time. I didn't miss my bed at all.

I want it but I don't want it

I want a tattoo.

I want a tattoo that I won't ever get.

I want it in a place that isn't good.

I want it.

It doesn't make sense to get it.

What is it that I want? Four things that occupy my free time.

I want a 2x2 cell grid that holds in each square a line drawing of each the following: old time camera, book, treble clef and the theater masks. I want it on the front of my shoulder. I want it there because it's a place where I can see it. The longer I think about it the more I want it. Maybe I should wait a year and see how I feel.

It takes a lot for me to get a tattoo. I am very aware of the permanence of inking oneself. Plus I have dreams... dreams that maybe I should give up on but can't seem to. I just wish I could get my vision on paper. Maybe not being able to do that is the only reason that I haven't gotten the dang thing.

Stop arguing! But they're wrong

I'm so distracted. It's hard to focus. Maybe I'll just keep typing and maybe something will come to me. type type type type..... nothing. type type type type.... maybe, oh I can't talk about that. type type type type... distracted by YouTube. Oh, what about:

I'm not good with going against my system. I am particular about the way to do things. A way that I'm not good with straying from. It's a sickness. I am constantly trying to not allow my disappointment or anger take me over when things change unexpectedly. So maybe I am also bull headed. Which only means that I fight to keep my systems in play.

Today was a trial. I wanted to do something that I thought was important. Not only was I told that it wasn't, I was also blocked from doing it with crappy excuses. (I felt they were crappy.) This infuriated me. Being told that things were different, that I was stepping on people's toes, and that I was being ridiculous had me about to go through the roof. I had to tell myself to calm down and build a bridge. It took about an hour and a half for me to not stomp around like a child. Even longer for me to quit being standoffish. I hate to change things when my system makes more sense.

I need to change this about myself. Not being able to adapt when I think someone is being stupid is a serious hindrance. This has caused me to argue with my bosses even when I can tell it's a dangerous stance to take. In case it wasn't known, that isn't a good way to keep your job. Luckily none of my bosses have decided to terminate me for doing so. It get it into my head that the best way to carry out a task it's very hard to convince me to change. I try to blame it on my personality type. Apparently I need to have the benefits of a change made plain. Even I feel that's just an excuse to be cantankerous.

I should get to be bottom of why I feel the need to argue against everything (sometimes for what seems to be for the sake of arguing). Or maybe I just need to learn to control myself.