Dream sequence: child rearing

Last night I had a dream.
I was a single mom.
It was hard, my support system had sprung a leak and I was... all alone.
Out of the darkness came a smile, my baby's.

Hold it. This isn't Rent. Talk about ADD. Today I can't do research because I must talk about my dream. I lived with YouTube family who posted daily videos and, get this, was a single mom. I don't know, maybe they took me in. Strange.

The craziest thing of all was how rooted in reality the dream was for me. There was no prospect of a father, as their wouldn't be as I don't know how I'd turn up pregnant to begin with. I remember thinking in my dream that I'd always wanted to experience pregnancy. That is totally true. I want to know what it is like to be pregnant. I just really don't want the responsibility of a child afterwards. Those two facts has had me research surrogate pregnancy in the past. In my dream I found myself thinking that I had my experience of being pregnant and that I should be careful what I wish for. Then there was the whole YouTube thing. Living with daily vloggers? I watch too much YouTube, so of course that was something in my dream.

Here I was, all alone. Which, as terrible as that is, is how I think I would take finding myself to be a single mom. Simply because I feel I wouldn't be able to face my family. I was only finding solace in the smile that came from the tiny human that I'd created. This little girl was beautiful in every way. She was also a newborn and still looked to mama, that's me, for everything including constant cuddle time. She had the genetic makeup pertaining to the race that makes sense to me in reality. Like I'd completely fall for a guy of that race and produce a child that looks like that. Nothing seems too far-fetched. Even being in reality and thinking all of the "dream facts" over, everything makes sense. Not always true when I wake up and review a dream.

What always makes me so sad is the lonely feeling I get when I wake up from these dreams. I've only had two where the child is fully realized. Countless pregnancy dreams and those always feel like just dreams when I wake. It's something about having a dream about being a mother. First of all I'm always me in dreams like this. I'm usually a character in an elaborate story when I dream, but I've been me in both mom dreams. It always makes me want to go back to sleep to keep holding this nonexsistent child. Despite my general opinion on children, this little girl never fits into that. I'm always head over heels in love with the tiny human and have no desire to give her up. Even though I can feel the weight of taking care of her settle on my shoulders and in my stomach causing me to panic, she is all I want. For a girl who is constantly going on about how she hates kids and doesn't want any, ever, I need to stop finding myself chasing dreams about having had one and loving her.

Research for the sake of whimsy

It's that time of the day again. The time where I forego passing out after a long day to string together some barely coherent thoughts and post them on the internet. Huzzah!

So ADD, attention deficient disorder, is a legitimate disease that affects ones life. It isn't just some excuse for a person who is too rude to pay attention to what's being said. This semi coherent question just popped into my head. Is it a symptom of ADD to not be able to go to sleep right away? Isn't the problem that the mind is always going and the person cannot focus?

I never looked into the a true diagnosis of ADD and explored what that means in all aspects of life. People joke about it all the time. Anyone with a lack of desire to do something will blame it on some never diagnosed problem with ADD. While I am sure that a lot of people are just looking for a reason to have something else to blame instead of owning to terrible manners, I really want to know what it does mean to have the disorder. So I dedicate the next few days to finding out what it really entails to have one's brain hindered by the inability to focus.

This should be interesting.

Walmart.., *grumblegrumblegrumble*

I like to utilize other stores that aren't Walmart sometimes. I mean, I find myself thinking that there were stores before Walmart. Why do I never hear of them anymore? Truth is I do. All of the time, depending on my media intake at the moment. I just never heed their advertisement and actually shop there. I worked inside of a Tom Thumb for about nine months and still my grocery store of choice was Walmart. It drives me a little crazy at times. Why aren't there any local grocery stores in my city?

I really shouldn't worry about this? In fact, I won't even delve into the whole buy local argument at all. I just want to know why I dote so much on Walmart? Even the memes let you know how ridiculous it is that 300 people can work there and only three lanes will be open for check out. I know that I, personally, am a cheapskate and will seek out the store that will cost me the least. However, all of this is going off on a tangent that is neither here nor there.

Here is my point. I wanted to avoid Walmart but needed to pick up a few things from the grocery store. I chose to go to Kroger. It's a trusted institution for having food for buying and I grew up shopping there before Walmart took over. So I go to Kroger looking for hot links and they are sold out. I'm bummed. I pick up a few other things and decide to try a different Kroger the following day, today.

Today my agenda consist of two items. Put gas in my car and go to Kroger for hot links. The first item is taken care of without problems. When I get to Kroger they are sold out of hot links. What's interesting is they are sold out of the one I want but seem to be overstocked in the hotter version in which I am not interested. I'm now disappointed with a craving.

Needless to say, I break down and go to Walmart. I should have went there in the first place, but it was a Sunday afternoon. That spells out a guarantee 30 minute wait at check out. Having just gotten off of work, I wasn't even remotely down for that. Walmart happened to be sold out of the red hot version that I didn't want with more than enough of the ones I did. Funny that.

Moral of the story: quit being a hipster and just go to Walmart.

Peaceful beginnings

This morning ushered me in to what seemed to be a lovely day. Sunlight, muffled by the blinds, dance around my bedroom. It was hushed and calm. There was no stress. I felt well rested. I woke up on my own without any alarm disturbing my inner peace. Thoughts flitted through my mind like "what day is it today," "do I have to be anywhere," and "what time is it?" It was about this moment when all three answers hit me at once.

It was Saturday, I had to be at work at 8:45 AM and it was 8:33 AM.

Holy moly! I hit the ground running. The new tardy policy of my job running through my head. I tried to rush through tasks that couldn't be rushed and barely avoided choking myself with my toothbrush. Clothes were chosen without much, if any, scrutiny and my drive to work had me going my usual speed: FAST.

But to work I got and work I did. All is okay... for now. I guess I'll be able to truly assess the damage on Monday Tuesday.

What I don't understand is I got about eight hours of sleep last night and yet I was still exhausted when I got off of work. I thought that maybe I'd take a nap. Five hours later I find myself still not wanting to get up and move around. A truly wasted day. Unless I consider that I do love sleep, and also consider that sometimes a day spent enjoying it isn't a waste at all.

Cozy? Strangely, no.

So the movies. A great way to pass the time. One might say, a favorite way of mine.

Okay, I would say that. Seeing a movie in the theater is something that I try to do frequently with or without a partner. I go often, I'll go alone, and I see things simply because my interest is peaked. I find it a testament to my love for movie going that I keep doing it even though my body seems to protest the act.

What do I mean? I'll tell you eager reader. When I go to the movies, inevitably I end up freezing. Even when, after doing an assessment I find that it isn't really all that cold. I always start off fine. Just chilling in the theater, eating too much popcorn. Then suddenly it's like someone turned down the thermostat. I can't explain it. I'm just really cold. Sometimes I can genuinely blame it on the temperature in the theater. Tonight was not one of those times.

I can't ever notice if there is a gradual change in my body's sense of the temperature. Tonight was like that. As I watch the movie I go from sitting with my hands tucked away to teeth chattering, full-body shivers. Even as my stomach convulses I'm telling myself that it isn't cold enough to feel this way. All the time this happens. I cannot remember the last time I went to a movie and didn't end up with my body acting as if I decided to detour to the local freezer.

I've tried different things to beat the phantom cold. You could, at one time, find me in a theater wearing fuzzy sock in my fuzzier house shoes all tucked under my Carebear cozy. This only barely warding off the shivers, as my jaw still gets quite the work out with the teeth chattering. If that wasn't ridiculous enough take in the fact that I'm in jeans and a jacket under all of that. Even in the summer, nay especially in the summer I make it a rule to never go to a theater workout pants, socks and shoes, and an overcoat. Nothing helps. I genuinely don't know why I'm so strange.

Not that any of this matters because as the pattern has revealed, I still continue to go to tbe movies without hesitation.

Music that promotes dancing

I just recently, and by recently I mean a few hours ago, realized that I am very much into music that promotes dancing. Now before the obvious thought sets in, let me explain. Yes, music in itself does usually promote dancing. Rhythmic noises tend to do that, I know. What I mean is I can name several songs that say in the lyrics get up and dance. I own these and adore these songs because I feel like they speak to my soul.

Strange, I know, but true nonetheless.

I was listening to one tune in my car that spoke of dancing away one's sorrow when faced with a sudden loss of stability in life. What better way to deal with sadness than to face it head on. The attitude of "I'll dance until my pain is bearable," is a lot more productive than "I'll just stay in this fetal position until everything goes away." Neither one may be better, but I like the potential of being able to laugh again that's wrapped in the former choice.

There was yet another song that had the message of constantly being in tune* with the music in your heart. It went on to say that the way to reset your can-do attitude is to get up and dance. Doing so reunites one to the music playing in their head allowing them to get that confident gait back in their step. While it isn't said in so many words and totally has more umph to it, the message is incredible. I actually do feel as though I carry a song in my heart, so I'm game to being reminded that sometimes I just need to listen to it.

Music has been my way to flow through life when conditons weren't the best for as long as I could remember. Even when music isn't playing I'm experiencing it from randomly singing my spoken word to dancing to a song no one is playing. I don't know if it's because I find these songs when I desperately need to get out of the dark recesses of my head. I don't know if I just love to dance and sing and just love that there is music encouraging me to continue doing just that. All I know is that I do enjoy a good uplifting message. Putting it to rhythm just allows me to enjoy it more.


*No pun intended.

Something that flips the roles

My mother has recently decided to go back to school. She told me from the beginning that she would need my help with her math classes. I'm game. I love math and am extremely confident when it comes to tutoring Algebra. Then the moment came to actually get some tutoring done. Talk about a reversal of roles.

My mother stirred up some frustrations inside of my that I can only imagine she has felt when she used to help me with my homework. It wasn't that she didn't know certain things. Math is a perishable skill. When you don't use it, you lose it. That wasn't the problem. The issue was when I felt she was trying to figure out an answer for herself.

I'll ask her a question and would immediately get the response, "I don't know." The first few times I reworded my question. Frustration started to build when we'd use a formula that she'd have explained to me only for me to ask her how to use it later and I hear, "I don't know." Next step for me was to immediately answer "yes, you do" when I heard "I don't know." That didn't last long as I would have liked. After a while, with that immediate response when I knew she did know, I was feeling as though she was wasting my time. I mean if the only answer you have is "I don't know," you aren't trying. If you aren't trying, then why am I here? You're wasting my time.*

It only took few more occurrences of "I don't know" to be said before I was completely out of patience. My mom mode burst forth complete with lectures, finger-wags, and a desire to give a spanking to the petulant child.** I was exasperated with her. I started to become a tad more snippy when I heard, "I don't know." I ended up fussing at her that she did know, that we'd just done it. I'd ask her a question and immediately say don't say I don't know, think about it for a moment and answer. She changed her answer to "I'm not sure," saying "you told me not to say I don't know." It wasn't any less infuriating.

This was when I came close to ripping in to her. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN YOU TAKE THE TEST? ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LOOK AT THE PAPER AND SAY 'I DON'T KNOW?!?' IS THAT GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION? WILL THAT PASS THIS CLASS FOR YOU? 'I DON'T KNOW?'" Fortunately, I was able to contain this outburst. I did tell her she was close to getting that speech from me. She said she wouldn't have appreciated it. Basically, the way I don't appreciate the reponse "I don't know."

If ever children happen to me, I don't know if I'll be able to contain the desire to spank when they don't try. It sounds ridiculous, but it is literally one of the most infuriating things to me. Someone just saying "I don't know" without trying to find an answer has frustrated me at work and at home. I sends me through the roof. My mother was almost tutorless for doing so.


*I forgot to mention that these session were taking place after I finished a fourteen hour work day at 11 o'clock at night. I'm tired and had to get up early the next day.
**I actually threatened to smack her at one point if she told she didn't know again.